I cant believe that a month from today my Dad will be here helping me & Hank pack up everything for me to move back to Southwest Missouri. Only Will Huston really knows what that means. I feel so much like a failure professionally and so broken existentially. I really thought that however things went down it would be me & Amy in some way, even if it was a breakup or whatever. And that was often a looming concept, though - ironically - not before I lost her. We were getting along very well before she died. We watched the film version of John Le Carres THE LITTLE DRUMMER GIRL the night before I woke to find her dead. Some of you might know that my Mom died on 2 January 2006. Worst day of my Dads life. And the worst day of my life until 10 August 2013. Now - I just dont know - Im measuring my life in small steps...from sobriety (how long since not getting drunk?) to packing (how many boxes have I filled?). This probably doesnt surprise anyone, but I cry a lot. And my losses are nothing compared to most of the world. Near as the autopsies can tell, neither my Mom nor Amy suffered prior to their deaths. But...its still very, very hard. Sorry - Im babbling - actually have a pretty keen night lined up but...wow. Its just a walpurgisnacht of blood & fire (which I found out was from a review of Nicolas Roegs EUREKA by Harlan Kennedy - weird how a turn of phrase like that can imprint so hard on ones brain that it transcends its source).
Posted on: Mon, 29 Dec 2014 01:02:58 +0000
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