I cried my eyes out while writing this (just a heads up ;)) Finding the balance between Mom, friend, and caregiver has been an ongoing challenge for me throughout the years. And that challenge only deepened when I was blessed with the birth of my daughter. Everything that I had perfected about being Logans mother was now suddenly having to transform. Having a special needs child is a challenge, but a gift in remarkable and unexplainable ways. When he was born, I loved him like any mother could love her child. I hurt for him, wanted for him, longed to hold him, and missed him every moment we were apart...and we were apart more moments than any child should be from their mother. But it wasnt until he finally came home, and he slept on my chest for the first time ever, and I cleaned his feeding tubes and assessed his daily vitals, and became his nurse and mother and friend all in one tidal wave moment, that our bond really formed and cemented. I devoted my life to making his a better one...obsessing tirelessly over his care, his needs, and his survival. I emersed myself so deeply and wholly into his survival and health and well-being, that I often found myself suffocating...gasping for air. I was 18 years old and I had no idea what I was doing...and as much as I obsessed over everything, I was convinced I was messing it all up. But time moved along, and over the years I learned how to dedicate myself to his success, while also leaving room for myself to breath. And everything about life changed, as I became more confident in my ability to be his mother...because for so long I thought God gave him to the wrong person. I thought he would regret what He had done. But I finally knew that He knew what He was doing, and I just needed to trust in myself and the capabilities He gave me to do this. And so I did. And life became so much easier suddenly. I could breathe. And I wasnt just confident in what I was doing, and certain that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing, but I fell completely in love with doing it. I fell in love with being his mom. Not just a mom. But his. Then, a few years, into it, God blessed me with my daughter. And everything I had honed and perfected was suddenly thrown in the air. I no longer had just one child, but two. That devotion he needed...needed to now be split...in a balanced way. And I questioned myself so much again. How was I going to do this? So much has happened between then and now, but I havent stopped growing and learning how to do this. I never do. It is always a challenge, and I will always wonder if Im doing it right. But I wont stop doing it either way. Tomorrow is Savannahs birthday party. The one she has been telling people about since June. The one day when she knows my world will not be filled with doctor appointments, IEP meetings, phone calls, sign language studying, long work sessions with her brothers homework, hospital visits, or otherwise. The one day when she knows my focus will be (for the most part) on her. When she isnt defined by her brothers disability, or the medical facts that she astonishingly trickle easily off her lips from way too much time in doctors offices and procedure rooms. It is the one day when she just gets to be Savannah. Just herself. And if you think that doesnt matter to a 4 year old, trying telling her that when she is falling asleep in my arms at the kitchen table on a Tuesday night because she needed her Mommy, but Mommy had to spend 3 hours figuring out a way to teach her brother order of operations in a way he could that actually understand it. She needs me. Maybe not in the same way that he does, or in the same volume. But she needs me, just as much as he does. And I have to remind myself of that from time to time, when she is begging me to watch her dance across the kitchen floor in the middle of a sign language discussion with her brother about why he cant ride bicycles all the way down to the mall with the hearing kids from two doors down. She needs me. She needs me to show her that she is just as important to me as he is, and that my world revolves around her just as much as it does him...that without her, my world would simply fall apart. She is one half of what makes my heart whole, and I have to show her that. So I do. I try very hard every day to show her how dedicated I am to her success as well. A and once a year, I plan a party that will give her the chance to just be a kid. To just be Savannah. And tomorrow is that party for her. And, as we know is always the possibility, her brother has become very sick the day before. And this will prove to change a lot about HER day. He will be kind of quarantined to the upstairs, where I will go periodically to bring him food, get vitals, administer medications, and show him some motherly attention. And so, her day will now be a day she has to share. So when I told her this, I was expecting her to become jealous or upset...but instead, she asked me Can he sign Happy birthday to me? I told her I think I can work that out. She asked Can we bring him some cake? I said of course. And she said Okay...Im just a little sad he wont be there, and you cant stay downstairs with me all the whole time. But brother needs you Mommy so lets just make sure we bring him cake. And with that very brief and innocent conversation, I was reminded that they both also need me to teach them love, and compassion, and acceptance, and grace. And she has proven to me that Im somehow giving her everything that she needs. Somehow, her little 4 year old heart was able to accept the situation and care more about her brother than herself. Could I really ask for more?
Posted on: Sat, 04 Oct 2014 00:58:57 +0000
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