I cried this morning thinking about everything in my life thats caused me to hate myself so much now... Feeling unable to feel secure... Feeling the extreme anxiety and fear about school and how my teachers and family treated me about it.. Fear of adverse consequences...never being able to feel safe.. Expecting too much out of friendships... Deep jealousy that eventually got me separated from the other kids entirely... I was isolated and alone while watching everybody else socialize together... I despised the skin I was in...I would cry and turn away from having people even look at me at a very young age..I felt different and they told me I was. Screaming, crying, hitting myself. When it came to normal disappointments.. I would turn it all against myself and hate myself for being in the situation - every single little thing was my fault. Ive been stuck in my own head fighting against myself. The whole time keeping it to myself and feeling as if no one will EVER truly care or understand... This has been going on my WHOLE life and Im 20 years old and the product of it. No wonder Im a loser. Its all my own fault - my own choice. Its like theres two parts of me. Hes trying to hurt me and destroy me for all of these things Ive brought upon myself.. Why is everything my fault? Why cant I just change my perspective overnight and be happy? Why have I never been genuinely happy, content, comfortable in my own skin for a lasting amount of time? Im in a black hole and Ive gone too deep... the depression sinks in and brings me no where but down... and Im sure Im past the point of going back, the event horizon, I cant escape it.
Posted on: Mon, 06 Oct 2014 01:25:48 +0000
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