I dont understand this tonight and havent for the longest time - TopicsExpress

I dont understand this tonight and havent for the longest time when I stopped believing In God. Every day that passes, I am doing the usual, taking care of myself, chores, working out, typing on this computer more then 70% of the time, taking my walks[alone, dont have friends up here but I can cope], and so on...And then I settle in bed watching Ion television or on my laptop, everytime this show comes on Inspirationtoday with this male pastor, I thought I was a dark person from the very beginning deep down inside, just secretly twisted. I remember some of the times back then when I snuck out of the house to yell at the skies when it rained like a psycho, tearing at the grounds out of sheer anger[personal], and when finally running out of energy I fell to the grounds and lost my words, and that night sometime my senior year, I lost my hope and beliefs all together. Sure I was, a decent person up to this day, but as a realist who finds anything spiritual merely impossible having no visual proof, daring for a demon to expose itself to me staring at myself in the mirror compressing my laughter and giving such a nasty glare, I always find this show on and end up listening to him over the night. Its bothering me because, I feel these brief pulls from his words, like hes reversing the way I now think. And to make matters worst, I come here on facebook and find things on the same category with God, spirits, lord, bibles...for all this time being empty and careless looking at everything scientifically, it still stings me into almost crying when I read these messages or hear this pastor or preacher, I dont know what it is. Do I want to believe or not? I find myself all the time switching back and forth between realism and that state of mind where I just cant fully grasp a belief...it hurts sometimes and bothers me. And what effects me the most, I cant...find myself to understand, the very person I see as a goddess in my eyes, is really the only female I cant get a grasp of, Im invisible to this woman...Even as much as I care deeply for this secret admirer, I just hope she has someone that makes her happy and that she remains healthy, protected, and cared for. I may be very low significance to this person, but I have to understand like any other, that we cant have everything handed to us on a silver platter, and we all have our path ways on our timelines[from life to death] to continue ahead with what we have.............I......what Im going to do is really think about these words, and keep going as time passes by, I will find my place and my eyes will still hold its stories...heh, personality development in everyone, I know personality is not a universal trait, its basically created, and shaped to reflect his or her own unique character. And I see that in everyones eyes, cant read them, but knowing their personality and the way they express, I can at times understand the hidden side to someone, we all have that side.