I dont want to be at school anymore... I hate school. I used to enjoy learning, but this place has stripped me of all will to seek knowledge above and beyond what is the bare necessity. I would like to graduate to get something for the $160,000ish that has been put into allowing me to be here, but as most of that was free money, I really don’t even care about that. Work is acceptable, maybe not enjoyable, but it’s not bad and the people are nice. I have less than a half dozen friends that I may miss when I leave this place, but even that is not a guarantee because after high school I didn’t even miss my friends who I haven’t seen sense (no offence guys, I don’t know why it just doesn’t bother me). Unlike some of my siblings, I do not hate my childhood. Maybe I once did, I don’t remember, but if I did I no longer do. It wasn’t easy, it wasn’t always enjoyable, but it prepared me for life. I always did well in school. I don’t think I tried hard, but I applied myself enough that I passed with flying colors; I was an honor student every semester. I took advanced classes, having maxed out my math courses in my junior year, and even taking a college stats course that year. I started to get burnt out in junior year of high school and have never recovered. I overextended myself with working 18-24 hours a week, having 3 Advanced Placement courses, Spanish 4 one semester, and Honors Physics the next. Again, I didn’t love what I did, but it made me money which I desperately desired, and it got me out of the house. It also gave me a good set of mentors; I made perhaps my best friend from high school through work. I haven’t talked to him since maybe freshman year. And I can only aspire to be as decent of a person as my employer was. He was a boss, an equal, and a friend. He was hard handed sometimes, he forgot what you told him 3 minutes after you told him, but everything he did was for the our good, the good of the store, and the good of the community. I never thought I would last as long as I did there, but apparently he saw more in me than I saw in myself. I think it is because of him that I have any confidence in myself at all. And I also think it is mainly because of him that I allow myself to write these feelings down and share them with my Facebook friends. It is also because of my cousin David for the advice he left on my last big post, thanks for that. It’s was good to hear it, I’m not happy, maybe I never will be that’s a different problem, but at least I do not regret never having tried. Anyway, I just want this semester to be over. I can’t actually just quit because unfortunately I won’t let myself. I do not, however, have any motivation left at all. I did 0 work over vacation. I said that it was so I could spend my last spring vacation with friends and some family, but really it was because I could not make myself get up until 1pm. I just kept rolling over and falling back to sleep so that I could avoid getting up in order to not have to have conscious thought. I then spent the rest of the day up until 5am almost exclusively in my room at my computer playing videogames and other stuff that I won’t bring up this time. Some of this time was actually spent on Skype with my roommates who were in the other room, some of it was alone. I play videogames as a form of escape. League of legends wasn’t fun a long time ago. I have played more than 2600 normal games, and probably 1800 ARAMs. I used a website over break to see how much real time I had put into league, and it was over 95 days of straight play time, in maybe 3 years. And at the start I only played a few games a week. Now I play it every second that I can because it is just mind numbing enough that I don’t really have to focus on it, but I also have to focus enough on it that I do not have my spare thoughts floating around. In a regular day, there are only a few major repeat things that I think about. Not to say that I do not think about a lot more than that, but there are a few pervading thoughts that always circle back to the front of my mind. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, but I am most certainly depressed. Last time I posted something of this I got a large group of people to very kindly respond, and I was glad to connect with them for a minute. It was suggested by a few that I seek professional help, which I truly believe that I should, but I know I am moving in a couple of months, and so I haven’t sought it up here. I’m also not exactly sure how to go about it, do I just walk into the hospital and say “Hey, I’m depressed, give me meds.” or what? On that note, for any who care and didn’t know, I am most probably moving to Florida around May 14th, and I only say most probably because I am not sure what I want to do with my life even in the slightest. I never have, and I hate that about myself. As of now the plan is a go. I have no job plans, the only reason I am going is because my sister( Alaina) and her boyfriend (Ryan) who have been some of my best friend for a long time are going, as well as that their friends Marlena and Megan, my brother (Griffin) and his girlfriend (Lindsay), Ryan’s co-worker Jon, and possibly a few other later on. As of now it is looking like a 5 bedroom house, but who knows what will happen in 2 months. The rent is really cheap in Florida, so even if I wimp out at the last minute (which I am not planning on currently) they will still be able to get a house even without my income. OK, back to the things I think about in a day. I think about my depression, of which a subset is my family, a bunch of which also have it. I think about the people and pets that I have known that have passed away. I am not sure why, I wish I knew why the things that go on in my head do, but I do not really miss them. I only think about them on occasion, and when I do its usually “What would such and such be doing now,” or “Man I remember when my cat Dobby tried to pick me up by my neck for making a sound like a mewing kitten,” or “I would trade with them if I could.” Fortunately, I guess, for my family, I have many many suicidal thoughts, but zero suicidal tendencies. I can think of a thousand and one ways to die, but I can’t put them into action. I used to be afraid that if I got drunk or high that I would kill myself, so all throughout high school I refused to get more than buzzed. After freshman year I hung out with some strange customer that I used to know from where I worked, and got completely wasted. I stayed at his house playing chess, watching VHS, and playing some MTG until I sobered up and could drive home. He still owes me $20 for the vodka I bought lol. After that night I was no longer afraid to drink (wish that were still the case so I wouldn’t have started drinking scotch 10 minutes ago). Then last summer I was with some friends who decided to light up, so I said screw it and joined. I just realized that I mentioned all of this in the last post, so I’m gonna skip the details and go straight to the “point”. I’ve smoked now maybe 22-25 times, I lost the official count after about 12 times. I know that I could be addicted to the feeling very easily, because it is much like sleeping while awake. There is a nice sense of being light, and I have a slightly behind time sense of feeling, so I think of things about 6 seconds after they happen. I can still be depressed as hell, but eventually I fall asleep and forget it, or something stupid becomes really funny and that makes it go away. This is not a long term solution, and I am hoping to work on one when I get out of college, whether it is in Florida as the plan dictates, or in Burlington as could be a viable option, or even back in Chester which has a slim chance of happening. Nobody should worry about me offing myself because that isn’t going to happen. I am incapable of it unfortunately. I joke about it all the time, but the truth is that the one thing that I fear is pain. I believe that I have rid myself of all other fears except those that are incurable, such as maybe stage fright. I used to be afraid of falling, not so much heights, but being on a rickety ladder. Now that doesnt even really bother me. I can’t think of any other real fears I have had at this moment, but maybe that’s because I didnt have any others. Matt, when I graduate, I plan on reading that whole guide that you left me last post. I may even print it on the schools dime as they owe me something for the amount of money that has gone to them on my account. Officially drunk now, so I take extra responsibility for what I say from this point on. So when I am alone in my mind I think about my depression, and its different aspects. I think about my loneliness, which always makes me think of different people in my family, and my friends because I know I am not alone, and I think about my relationship status, as that is the focus of what I believe is the root of my loneliness. I haven’t ever directly asked someone out, either I was too afraid, or something else came up, which made me never ask. I have only had extreme feelings for two or three girls in my life. I have countless “crushes” and infinite “lustings” (I dunno if that’s the appropriate word, but I think it works). But in my life I can only think of three girls that I thought about day and night for any stretch of time. One I had a crush on, on and off for about 12-13 years. I dunno exactly when it ended, probably when the newest one stopped, or maybe even before that I realized that I didn’t know anything about her anymore, she was a different girl that who I had known in 4th grade, and who I had worked with in 9-10th grade. Another was much shorter lived, maybe for about 5-6 years. Still a decent amount of time, more than 25%of my life, but now it seems like it was gone in the blink of an eye. I guess time goes faster the older you get, because high school seems so far gone by, and even college will be done in 6-7 weeks or so. The last, though perhaps not the least, has not even been 6 months. Other than a quick hello and goodbye on a day when I was so tired and burnt out that I was incapable of much more, I have not talked to her in person since last December. And other than that one time I have only seen her in person one other day, while I was almost being run over in traffic/ in the library in school a few hours later. I still do not know why I grew such a fascination with her. Originally I classified her as a “lusting” as I do because that’s how my mind works. And then I got to know her a couple years later and she jumped right to most important person in my mind. I can only explain it as she was genuinely kind to me, at least I think she was, and I looked forward to seeing her twice a week, using her to help me get through the rest of my week. Then the semester ended, and I kept thinking about her. Every. Single. Day. It’s really a problem actually. I’m not sure why, but whenever I realized that I had stopped thinking about her, I started thinking about her again. That’s fairly obvious I guess, I realize I wasn’t thinking about her which makes me think about her but I was constantly thinking about her. I still think about her a lot, luckily it is not as prevalent as it was. I’m hoping that moving away in a couple of months will make me forget about her completely. I have been meaning to write more for a while but I keep losing myself in League. Tonight I was going to keep playing league with my roommate, maybe make some dinner, and then I decided facebook was good idea. It wasn’t. I went on, did my games that I always check. Then I decided to see if she had messaged me back. It’s been about 5 weeks. I stopped thinking she would after 2 weeks, but I still check from time to time, even messaged her the occasional hello or whatever. Today I went to her account and saw that she was in a relationship. I’m happy for her, truly I am. Everyone deserves to be happy. I wish that things had been different, but they aren’t. For some reason I over reacted and drank a bunch of scotch. Now I think I’m sobering up a bit and am really tired. Work in 5.75 hours, bunch of homework to do after work tomorrow. Class, work, VITA, and more class on Thursday, work Friday. Copy and paste 6 more weeks of this crap, exchange some jack/ Bacardi for the scotch when I run out, and we will be out of this hell. Goodnight.
Posted on: Wed, 12 Mar 2014 06:28:54 +0000
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