I feel Ive made some of the break throughs that were holding me back as an artist and I can start to breathe once again. Its so difficult to see through your own self-deception and coping strategies and it takes desperate measures to create change. All I knew is that things were wrong in my life and holding me back as an artist, but I had no idea about what would unfold, all I knew is that things had to change for me to feel at one with my existence. I think the deconstructing of my work and self, was a vital part of this process and to write pretty openly about it, is liberating because Im no different to anyone else and when I speak with people Im always aware of the unspokenisms we all seem to carry. With art you have a companion through all these trials and that helps soften the experience and dilute the intensity, but it still gets tough on an emotional level and in my own life has left me feeling like Im dangling over the edge. The bottom line in my life is that too many things were holding me back and it felt like I was caught in a complex web that forever neutralised my possibilities. As a sculptor you learn to see the world in a rather complicated three dimensional way and in my self analysis I gradually uncovered a very complicated picture of how I was held back and it was through so many circumstances of my life both current and historical. I became aware that I couldnt move forward in a significant way unless I dealt with these issues and set myself free to explore life through art in a way that I truly felt came from the core of my being. What held me back could be felt every time I picked up a pencil as my arm would tighten with the anxiety of expectation and the sheer weight of expectation crippled my sense of freedom, now I understand why. I often mention proudly that I made over a thousand drawings last year which I keep under my bed well protected :) those drawings set me free, I may never show them and I may choose to destroy them because they stand as a symbol of my freedom to do and explore what I wanted without any weight of expectation. They are not a product and the aim is not to impress or market, because they exist as a gesture of open creativity, my true art and my biggest lesson to date in self-awareness and the importance of art beyond imposed constraints. So now I continue with my art and I realise that my life will never be easy, because I enjoy the challenges and the rewards that struggles bring. I think life is too precious to be mapped out into a long straight road and that moving forward is not about fulfilling expectations of compliance but making your own story. Its a cliche but I really feel my future is an open book, an adventure waiting for me to just get on and do it. Hell Yeah :)
Posted on: Sun, 02 Feb 2014 10:41:28 +0000
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