I feel like I need to say something - not just for Rachel, but for everyone who is dealing with a long term medical issue. People are constantly saying, You share too many negatives. People like to see progress and resolution, not just heartache. Yep, I know that. But the problem is, what if you are actually dealing with too many negatives in real life. There is a point when trying to see the sliver lining is really a sort of sad form of delusional behavior and down right dishonest. The figures of friends lost when one goes through a serious, chronic problem is staggering. Just yesterday, Rachel was sharing with her pain management specialist, who is one amazing guy. He told her that he sees this happen time and again. People get on the bandwagon when someone first gets sick. But if that medical problem lingers, people find more and more reasons to break off friendships - most of the time for irrational reasons. But the truth is, hanging around a person who is chronically ill inadvertently makes people deal with their deepest fears, their hidden nightmares, and the toughest questions we all face. What if this happened to me? How would I handle something like that. And deepest of all, Im afraid of death, so I dont want a constant reminder of it. This is why we instinctively turn away from someone who is horribly deformed. Its NOT out of courteousness that we do this but out of fear. Then when you bring it into the Christian World it can actually get even worse. Many people view their faith as a Get out of jail free card. They want to be in control of their lives and they will, sooner of later, become very hostile when another believer remains chronically sick. After all, If this sick person doesnt get well, there must be something wrong with them - they must be hiding something sinful or surely they would get better. To believe that way completely negates the lesson of Job, ignores the fact that Jesus only healed one person out of hundreds who were at the Pool of Bethesda, and looks the other way when they read about Jesus asking to be spared the cross and when every Apostle (except one) died a martyrs death. I say, except one because John died of old age in exile on the Isle of Patmos. Thats true, but only after he survived being boiled in oil - hardly a pleasant experience! Im saying this to let you know why I write updates, at all. Im not trying to get anyone to actually do something. Im not after peoples money. I certainly dont think that Rachel suffers more than anyone else because, the old saying that you can always find someone who has a tougher life than you, is true. I am writing because most of the time we are going through this stuff essentially alone. These posts are my cathartic release of emotional toxins that are building up in me which I have to at least talk about or Ill explode. Sometimes we reach a place where neither of us wants to go on any more. In fact, when I found out about the recent serious heart problem I had developed, I was almost tempted to do nothing. I reasoned that I didnt have to do something to make all of this stop - if I did nothing, my body would go ahead and kill me off. No one could say I committed suicide and with 100% blockage in the back of my heart, any little clot would finish me off. (Sick, I know.) Rachel has been at a similar place many times, also. Instead of giving up, I write about the pain (emotional and physical) to cleanse my soul of the junk that is building up. I know that is probably not the best thing to do to all of you - kind of like dumping my garbage in your front lawn - but it is the only release I can think of. Sorry. This past week, we lost a couple of close friends. They just gave up on us - they must have felt that they had prayed too long with no results or heard too many on going stories in this seemingly endless saga that seems to be our life, right now. Believe me, I understand. Remember, thats where Job finally came to when everything kept going wrong. In many ways it is even more of a burden and puzzle to me because, in my ministry I saw so many spontaneous healings - often in front of crowds of hundreds, if not thousands. So the nagging question I deal with all the time is the same one that the negative thief of the other cross said about Jesus - He saved others. If this man really is who he says he is, let him save himself. However, I didnt fall in love with Rachel because she was a beautiful ballerina (though she definitely was). I fell in love with her because of who she is on the inside. She still takes my breath away. I also didnt begin with faith that thought everything will be happy, ever after. In both Rachel and God, I saw someone who would love me in spite of my faults, someone who would always try to see the best in me, and someone who would never leave me. I am so happy to be able to report that all that has been true and continues to be so, today. There is a very powerful verse in the Old Testament that I have always remembered which says, Happy is the man who, when going through the valley of Bacca, makes it a well. The Valley of Bacca was a very dry desert - almost impossible to cross without plenty of provisions. Many people died of thirst and starvation there. But the writer of this verse was saying, If you dig until you find water, it will satisfy both you and all those who come to this place in the future. I write to say, Yes. You can go through hard places. You can come to the end of your reserves or even your desire to go on. But I have dug this well here for you to know that you can make it through this difficult time. Im not giving you untested theory but I am sharing what I experienced so you will know that even after so many setbacks, Someone is with you who also saw me through a similar time. For those who are tired of hearing the same ol same ol and feel they have to walk away, I understand. Ive wanted to do the same, many times. But there is a difficult bridge we all have to cross when we walk away from friends because they are too sick to be much fun any more. The Bible says that, when we see God, He will ask us why we didnt visit Him when He was sick. Our response will be something like, What are you talking about? When did we ever see you sick and not visit you? His answer will be, When ever you didnt do this for one another, you didnt do it for Me! People dont actually just leave you when they turn away from your disabilities - they actually leave God. (NOT MY WORDS, BUT HIS.) I have found that you have to look past the scars and the troubles, and see again the person inside - how special they once were to you, how much you enjoyed their company when everything was going well. That person is still there - just as special, just as enjoyable. In the movie, Hook, Robin Williams plays a grown up Peter Pan who returns to the Lost Boys. Hes a major businessman now and has no time for family or friends - and certainly not for just playing childish games anymore. But one little Lost Boy looks deep don into his eyes and says, Oh there you are! Peter Pan! Sometimes you have to look really hard to find it - but its still there Loosing these two friends of 10 years or so was difficult. Im sorry we cant spend as much time with you these days as we use to. Were just too shot - worn out, depressed, some days, - and we cant do as much as we use to be able to do. But were still in there, holding on. still hoping that the road will finally clear in front of us. I so deeply want to finish the course that is set before me. I have lost a lot along the way. But I decided that it mean nothing when compared to just holding on and trying to do my best for my Lord. One day, I shall get all my friends back! Forever!!! All questions will be answered and all grievances resolved. What lies ahead is brighter days - no matter what happens today. So I press onward to that goal, and I truly appreciate friends who held on with us. All of this was possible only because God has been with us through it all. :-) Blessings, Steven Phillips
Posted on: Mon, 14 Jul 2014 19:04:03 +0000
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