I gave up today. Not in the sense of quitting or stopping but in the sense of surrendering. I gave up years and years and years of pain, abuse, neglect, abandonment, trauma, and hatred. For the first time since I was little I was able to honestly forgive. Not the kind where someone asks for forgiveness and you reluctantly say yes and then still hold a grudge towards them. But ACTUAL whole hearted forgiveness! A little about my story: I grew up in an abusive household... Physical, emotional, verbal, and any other form of abuse. I was neglected, abandoned, shamed and put down, spoken poorly to and about, and I have experienced so much trauma in my life that not really much could take me by surprise. I was raped by people that were once close to me and family members, I was made to believe I was nothing and meant so little to this world that for years I have carried that burden and have not been able to forgive anyone else who wronged me since the age of 9. For TEN years I have not experienced true forgiveness in my heart. For TEN years I resented people, held grudges over every little or big thing. It didnt matter. If I was wronged by someone, not only did I not forgive, but I made their life miserable. Why? How? How can someone who has been through such horror pass that much judgement and be so unforgiving? Well first off... I was accepting the thought that I was in this alone. Everyone was out to get me and that I had to basically live independently and in survivor mode all because of the amount of pain I had received as a child. No amount of books, stories, or scripture could convince me that anyone deserved MY forgiveness. Secondly, I went about everything all wrong. That burden was never mine to carry all alone. I thought id talked enough and resolved those issues from my past and I didnt need to talk anymore... I didnt HAVE or NEED to revisit the past. But oh boy was I wrong. I hadnt resolved or even touched a portion of my pain. I was still carrying this ugly, dark, weighed down, rotten bag of trash called pain. Well today, that is what I gave up. I gave up that battle. The Lord is my refuge, my rock. He will take all of that baggage and garbage Ive carried for years and he will dispose of it 1,000,000 times better than what I could have ever done alone. I feel so free, so at peace, so happy again. I feel like I have self worth, Im lovable, Im beautiful, even my flaws are beautiful. Because I was made without flaw! God did not go wrong or mess up at all when he made me and how dare anyone say different and how sad that for so long I believed differently. I am smart, I am wise, strong, sweet, loving, nurturing, and a blessing to this world. I have so much love to bless people with now! To anyone I have ever held a grudge with, you have my forgiveness and I ask yours for ever making you feel like you were not worthy. I have been set free, thank you Jesus!
Posted on: Thu, 05 Jun 2014 04:51:52 +0000
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