I have been quiet here on FB for a while now...sorting through my thoughts and my life, and making some very hard changes. At first, when receiving news of Steves death, there was the period of shock...the minds way of protecting itself. Then as that protection waned, there have been feelings, thoughts and memories that have flooded in and sometimes nearly drop me to my knees. When my brother lost his battle to brain cancer ten years ago, the sadness of a life not finished was so hard, but his beautiful spirit and love was surrounding us all. We knew the end was coming and we were as prepared as we could be. But when a loved one takes their own life...with no warning... the shock and awe that hits is nearly debilitating. I have had some very hard days this past week...there isnt a part of my life that hasnt changed dramatically. The obvious ones...staying with my daughter at her apt...my son and his family took over my lease, so moving my stuff to the garage and out of their way (they have been so loving) and putting my bed in Steves old office downstairs...driving with my breakfast blender in the back of my car as I no longer have a permanent kitchen of my own...started working two days a week at Costco doing food demos...trying to get the cobwebs out of my brain so that I can setup a website to feature commission paintings again...fighting off more tears and emotions than I thought even possible...my dad has cancer (he is 90) and is on hospice...my mom at 88 is struggling...Basically, lots and lots of rough emotions. So my basic nature is positive..always has been...and always will be. So to deal with all of this, I find myself very stuck in the cycle of grief known as anger..but my anger has a different name. It is called betrayal. I feel so betrayed by Steve. I emotionally supported him for 29 years...when I met him, he was sad and struggling. I thought it was from his divorce, so I helped him through it. But the negativity and sadness never left him. His ex-wife called me after his death to tell me that she was amazed that I had made it so long, that he had drained her after 11 years. She wanted to thank me for the years that I gave her children by keeping him alive, as everyone thought he would have left this life sooner without my love and support. There were times that I wanted to leave him....the energy drain to keep him up was so difficult, but I never could. I loved him completely. I knew that I would be with him no matter what. So for him to just leave me and abandon our dreams has left me so shattered, that my only way to mentally deal is to get really, really mad. I have no closure...not like a divorce where you can yell and finalize things. I have been thorough a divorce years ago. Hard as hell, but there was closure. There has been no way to put things in perspective...he just chose to leave in a way I still cannot wrap my head around. I hesitated to write anything here, as it is hard to some to accept the thoughts of a suicide being discussed openly, so I hope I do not offend anyone. But knowing that so many people in the world have lost someone to suicide, or perhaps someone has thought about it themselves....so for that end, I wanted to share these thoughts.
Posted on: Mon, 18 Nov 2013 20:25:35 +0000