I have debated sharing this. Ive told myself that its just to personal and there are still too many unanswered questions. Ive told myself to hold it in until I know ....hold in my panic, my fear, my heartbreak. But I am an open person and I know I am not the only woman who has been here....so I choose to share. I am thirty four years old, married (to a crazy but incredible partner) , and the mother of two beautiful (and amazing )little girls. Two days ago in one single moment everything changed..... A lump was found in my right breast. I have many times told people in my life ,who were facing illness, to stay positive to not think the worst. But truth be told no matter how positive you are, no matter how much faith you have, no matter how much hope you cling to....your mind cant help but go there (even if only for a moment). I felt a flood of emotions over take my body....mourning, fear, sorrow....I cant begin to express the overwhelming sense of panic that I felt in every ounce of my body. My fingers felt numb, my stomach dropped, a lump formed in my throat, and tears I didnt even feel well up ...fell from my eyes. That evening I looked at my 8 year old and my 5 year old ...I felt scared for them.... What they might be facing....how their little lives could be altered forever...the thought was more then I could bare. I should not think these things... but I am a Mommy first and Mandy second...as their mommy I cant help but worry. I try to push out every negative thought (but it is easier said than done). Every time I touch my breast (hoping the lump will be gone) and my finger tips feel that knot....my stomach sinks, I feel betrayed in some weird way. All of that being said ...I want to add that I believe I will be fine, I believe in the power of prayer, I believe God loves me and my children. I believe that no matter what happens ....my family and I will get through it. Tuesday I go for an ultrasound of my right breast and I will know if it is nothing or if I need a biopsy. I do not share this for pity, or for negative attention . I share this because my first reaction was to cower , to hide in fear, to keep this secret until I knew for sure. But today I realized I have nothing to be ashamed of, this journey will not be traveled alone (good news or not so good news) I am on a path traveled by many others before me. I need strength, support, and most of all .....I need prayers. My hope is that Tuesday ....I will walk away realizing I am blessed and HEALTHY. But no matter what happens .....I am still blessed.
Posted on: Thu, 31 Jul 2014 01:51:14 +0000
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