I have exactly ONE WEEK LEFT of freedom before my districts inservice starts. And exactly TWO WEEKS LEFT before the school year officially begins. As I always am at this time of year, Im a bundle of a zillion different emotions. Even after years of teaching. A long time ago, I think I read something about cyclical anxiety, and I think it has rung true for me. Even during the years I stayed home to care for my little bitties, I would get this inexplicable surge of anxiety/depression in the late summer and early fall. During this part of my life, we mostly lived in Iowa, and I began to associate it with the oncoming train of winter weather that buffetted us every winter... but I think that at some elemental level, it had more to do with the beginning of the school year. I had been a public school teacher prior to motherhood, and even as a small child, I was the child and grandchild of schoolteachers. So its probably a generational anxiety cycle. If that even exists. If it doesnt, well, I just invented the concept. Once I get settled into the routine, I find that I can always manage. Its just the anticipatory terror. Even after living and working in a district which I consider to be my permanent home, I will *never* be able to escape the secret fear that the powers-that-be will suddenly decide they hate me and subsequently fire me. Its not based on anything other than just anxiety... and for that matter, my logical mind knows that even if that DID happen, God has someplace else for me to be or something else for me to do, and I neednt worry. It doesnt change the innate fear. I honestly cant even begin to deal with the flood of collective angst thats swamped every media outlet for the past two days. Its too hard. Its too close -- even though I did not know him, nor did he know me. But it hurts just the same. And its terrifyingly close... raw... NOPE. Just NOPE. I am grateful for the phalanx of prayer that my friends here have offered up on my behalf... and I assure you that Im doing my share of it FOR YOU as well.
Posted on: Tue, 12 Aug 2014 23:53:12 +0000
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