I have found in myself, that denial and acceptance is a daily and exhausting battle, and to win this battle means I need to stop fighting the mourning of life as it once was, and remind myself to be grateful and appreciate the fullness of the present, cuddle time with Gray and Sophie before bed, a shared laugh between Lauren and I, expressions of love and support from friends. At this time this also needs to be coupled with, the embracing as an old friend, the helplessness of our situation. I think specifically as a father with a child that is facing a life threating illness, we go through a type of identity crisis. This happens on a family level also, but my experience is felt and seen through the eyes of a husband and father. This illness goes against everything I have learned or wanted as a father. I, as a father am the problem fixer. The sink leaks, the batteries need to be changed, Grayson needs a band aid or Sophie sees a bug in her bed room, I am the person to call. I thrive with this, it is simple, it has a start and an end. Now our family is faced with a situation that cannot be fixed by me, and at times it feels like I am staggering around in a dark room. I feel lost, and helpless at the reality of the needs of my family. Left alone at this I can see how many fathers faced with a situation like this where they feel helpless turn away from their families in their time of need. It hurts, it feels closed in, it makes me face inadequacies that I try to hide from, and they show to those who I love the most. But true reality is I am not, and will never be enough to meet the needs of my family during sickness or health. No one individual has enough patience, love, peace and grace to fulfill all the needs of another person, and If I fight it and try to be it anyway, I am trying to move a mountain with a tea spoon, we are too complex and broken as a species. So instead I need to redefine who I am to myself and my family. My role goes from fixer, to peace finder, or joy seer, cheer leader, soul guarder, and hope cultivator. I never studied for these roles, but this is the job that was handed to me. In letting go of, and redefining my role as husband and father, I am hoping to find new meaning in what it means to be a husband and father, meaning that was always at the doorstep waiting patiently, but that I never invited in. Now, step right in, make comfortable.
Posted on: Wed, 04 Sep 2013 13:57:00 +0000
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