I have no dictionary. It just pours out of my mind. Some people say I read a dictionary; I don’t,” he says. As if he is in a profession of words, Mpombo’s ‘statements’ are always humorous and journalists have to make sure they have a dictionary nearby. For instance, during Valentine’s Day, messages pop up on social networking sites claiming Mpombo has said: “This valentine, I want to advise couples that as you imbibe a myriad of intoxicating fluids and encase your anatomy with lavish habiliments in preponderant pandemonium of hyperbolic toast of valentine, it is with seldom rectitude that I wish to expostulate against any ignominy and sordid cogitations that will arouse ignoble shenanigans.” On this one, Mpombo laughs and says he feels excited that people can concoct phrases just to make it sound like he said them. “I feel excited and proud that I’m able to contribute to the building of the word industry, the literature industry. You know in West Africa they say ‘wordsmith’. Each time I’m able to contribute… for instance, I was reading on Tumfweko the other day just this week. Somebody was quoting from The Post and he was referring to a word lugubrious saying ‘according to Mpombo’s vocabulary’. That is not my vocabulary, that word exists. And the guy checked the dictionary and realised that this word actually exists!” he says. Some of the statements attributed to Mpombo like the one where he castigates fellow opposition leaders’ request to meet President Michael Sata at State House are amusing. For instance, Mpombo says: “As PDP, we wish to condemn the malevolent forces of the political depravity being employed to unleash a vortex of unrelentless barrage of negative psychological warfare against the President’s perceived medical challenges. Instead of clinging to the elusive mantra of do or die, as an opposition, we can no longer continue wallowing in hedonism and other vain pursuits, including the legislation of cocaine, we should instead start honing our manifestos for 2016.” When he is reminded about this statement, Mpombo says he had to use such big words to remind the opposition that they were spending too much time on irrelevant issues. “When I was talking about the opposition wallowing in mischief, like they were missing… were spending too much time on irrelevant issues. Because people, as Africans, we do not want to take or like the suffering of an individual. “So we have our strategic mission as opposition, as alternative programmes, we need to show the people the alternative programmes that we are able to do once we get into power. Not necessarily to take every issue and you start splitting hairs. So malevolent forces are bitter and want just to destroy. Their intention is not good. People were unnecessarily trying to put the President under siege, to break him psychologically, when you know it is with evil intention wanting to take a pinch of thrill out of a very genuine but difficult situation.” Then there is this message he gave out from prison: “I am full of gusto despite the raging storm and gathering clouds but I can see the sunshine beyond. The whole shebang had a political motive. Politically, we differed, so they had to fix me but what I am saying is that I respect the judgment but this was an act of political vengeance by Rupiah Banda and company but I was fully and adequately prepared.” New Year’s Day message: “May your New Year be punctuated with a revanchism whose magniloquence can only be theatropistically analysed by the use of reminiscent exacerbation. I hope you do not mind my apostasy. I hope your arquistic impedance might not engulf this kind of debauched pedagogy because of its repuginatious polycentrism.” Mpombo on 2016 elections “The committee’s work has been a resounding success, even here on the Copperbelt, the ground is fertile. Because you see with the Copperbelt, once you make it here, then your job becomes much easier. We shall certainly launch something that will be a formidable party which is going to be a juggernaut of a party with very strong grassroots tentacles that will provide a very fearsome challenge.” Mpombo’s house on fire Mpombo’s house caught fire and he quickly picked the phone to the fire service. This is what people claim he said: “Hello? Is that the combustion officer? Please gravitate here with immediate acceleration because a gigantic conflagration has just engulfed my domiciliary habitation. Mpombo’s ‘girlfriend’s phone rings: Mpombo: Mary, your cellular gadget has intercepted some electromagnetic waves and is currently summoning your attention. Mary: What? Mpombo: Your phone is ringing. Mary: I am in the shower sweetie. Please answer it for me. Mpombo: hello…. Caller: Ndandeko na Mary. Mpombo: Your lingual is foreign to my cochlea. Please utter alphabets in a universal manner so that I can derive sense from this dialogue. Caller: Where is Mary? Mpombo: Mary is currently interacting with a hot shower in my master bedroom that is located at the attic section of my bungalow. She cannot commence dialogue with you as her phone is not waterproof like the one I own which can receive calls even while I’m submerged in my marbled Jacuzzi. Caller: Who is this? Mpombo: Do you have airtime of K100,000 and above? Any airtime below that amount is not enough to permit me to finish explaining to you who I am via the phone as my accolades are too numerous. But to comprehend me better, visit any bookshop near you and purchase a book titled ‘knowing professor Mpombo, the individual with English PhD whose number exceeds the mythical lives of a cat’. I authored it when I was minister in the previous regime. Caller: Who are you to Mary? Mpombo: I am the individual whom Mary surrenders her fauna to in absentia of clothing. Caller: Come again? Mpombo: Yes I am the individual who relays copulative sensations to Mary’s pelvic areas. Caller: Say that again, I don’t understand! Mpombo: I am the individual who exposes Mary’s lower limbs to mirror an obtuse angle. I’m Mary’s boyfriend and who are you? Caller: It’s Mary’s mother. When asked about the statements above, Mpombo laughs and says some are concoctions while others are genuinely his statements. “The one on Mary is just a concoction by someone (laughs). That one on Mary, the circumstances and… (laughs again). I think someone just wrote something and put it into circulation. I have seen that one. But all the same, when I say he was joking, it is also an appreciation, like some light moment but in appreciation that I am able to contribute to something,” explains Mpombo. Congratulating Nigeria on winning the Africa Cup “It’s my emblem pleasure to commiserate the superior melofarm exclamagated bermasaur on their recent victory against the Ivory Coast. As the reframed, solid giants are to face winners of the later game in an uncavoured camfamgnam match. My empyrean paradisiacal rendezvous advice to the Super Eagles is for them to recumbently metragalobicaly believe in themselves. If possible, they should parademically paralyse their postulated orthodexial legs. I wish the Super Eagles arxiatical luck!” Did he say this? “Yes!” Laughs Mpombo. “For the Nigerians you see, the last time I stayed in Nigeria, that is the kind of grammar you find in their newspapers. That is the kind of grammar they use in their newspapers. Anyway, I had to do that because that time I was deputy high commissioner to Nigeria. So as Zambia, we had to come out and just to speak and pay them in their own coins. That is the kind of English they normally use. They are fond of high sounding phrases and things like that.” On Zambeef issues: I want to express my cancaritorious opinion in the Zambeef intromporial and stamparific issue of Aromatic Aldehyde. You see, most of these substances are just scombals, if poncoriated into our gobows they don’t necessarily cause nicklinities. The human hombonianic system cannot fambracate the wibnoxious embalmaniasticity of the intestinalics. Therefore, let’s not foofrossfy this issue. This is just a union alitigative scum that needs no further voyastomities! Lastly, let me squantify the ruling introvantracious governmentorium for this rombostic venture. Thank you. His reaction? Mpombo just laughs. Mpombo on MMD confusion Mr Mpombo how can you interpret the threat you are receiving from MMD party cadres? Mpombo: In the preamble, that’s tantamount to falousiosness. You know the audacity and chilled cold breeze that sweeps the jolly faces of Zambians should not be taken for a ride. I harbour none of acrimonious hemispheres in my heart toward Rupiah Banda with his bunch of charlatans, tuntermites and mullybangs. Generously and gaugerlaniously, MMD is shifting its camp from initial principles and norms on which the party was formed. It is so fungfunenous to insight mullybang to parasquad and beat me during the forthcoming convention...by the bullet or the ballot, Bible or Koran these sinterenias cadres are losing it. They have no focus. They are all braggadocios and are moribund! Zambians should not go in for these chaps’ cheap political saber-rattling. These cadres are headed for a deep and suffocating political kerfuffle! Mpombo on subsidies This lingua on subsidies is foreign to an ordinary Zambian cochlea. I wish to encourage everyone to utter alphabets in a universal manner so that we can all derive sense from this debate. The government has a lot of work to prove to these mulligrubs and gongoozlers who think this measure won’t work. I have been listening to some of these ultracrepidarian and polyphloisboian opposition politicians who are so inaniloquent over this change and I can assure you Zambians, the PF will discomfit these slubberdegullion and sciapodous parties, come 2016. If you drive like me, I do know it is now difficult to transfer from the subterranean reservoir of a petrol station a sufficient quantity of the combustible fluid of the highest octane rating to fill the appropriate receptacle of the said means of perambulation to the brim. Since I am also feeling the heat, I am appealing to the government to please gravitate with immediate acceleration before a gigantic conflagration engulfs our domiciliary habitation. Thank you. Zed Online Ads on Mpombo People who live in glass houses should not throw stones. Mpombo: Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting perilous projectiles. Birds of a feather flock together. Mpombo: Members of an avian species of identical plumage tend to congregate. There’s no use crying over spilt milk. Mpombo: It is fruitless to become lachrymose of precipitately departed lactile fluid. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Mpombo: It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative manoeuvres. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Mpombo: Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders Jack a hebetudinous fellow. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire! Mpombo: Where there are visible vapours having their provenance in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration! Mpombo going for presidency: Being a former diplomat, I have an answer on how to repair Zambia’s seriously damaged foreign policy with countries like Nigeria. Right now, I feel the PF is seriously veering from its manifesto and we are seeing incessant political somersault which has seriously eroded the party’s popularity. The PF has been a gargantuan resounding failure because of leadership failure. The party has now turned itself into a source of despondence. The PF has suppressed the growth of democracy because what we are seeing is a culture of arrogance and impunity. There is no respect for human rights, for example, the rights of assembly. This is a barometer of democratic dispensation in a country. The Zambian government must create room for activity of other political players in the country. The PF is behaving as if they have drank a poisoned chalice. The people’s power is like raging water which removes any obstruction on its way. This he said. But for the others - just attributed to him. “And I’m grateful that it has expanded my vocabulary. So I really feel proud in the sense that I’m able to contribute because you see, the reading culture is very, very down in the country,” he explains. “And in schools today, English literature, English language, the standards have plummeted to very, very goon levels. So to me each time I add a big word, I contribute. I feel there is that need to uplift the standard of that language. If you went to West Africa, the standards in schools are very high. When I was there, I made an effort and got to like reading newspapers, listening to radio and things like that. So in a nutshell I feel happy that I’m able to contribute to the growth of the English language.” Mpombo says he does not refer to the dictionary when making such big words. They just flow naturally. “I have no dictionary. It just pours out of my mind. Some people say I read a dictionary. You can’t read a dictionary because the first word is meaning something else and the next one is something else, so you end up confused. You can’t read a dictionary,” he says. Mpombo says he merely wants to connect with people so that he can be appreciated too. He says he reads a lot hence the reason to study for a PhD in political science. “I’m a voracious reader. I read quite a lot. I get up at 04:00am, I read The Post newspaper on Internet, I browse other papers, I do about 20 international newspapers a day online. I do the New York Times, Washington Post, Los Angeles Tribune and about eight newspapers in Nigeria and then Mail and Guardian of South Africa and quite a lot of newspapers and books,” he explains. But some of his critics think some of his big words are concocted. But Mpombo says: “These are not concocted words. They are actually there. Even when I was at school, they used to call me a moving dictionary, and I’m a moving dictionary.” Mpombo says his passion for use of big words started from childhood and some of his friends appreciated his efforts. “And that is how I got in touch with Mr [Levy] Mwanawasa because each time we were in inter-schools debate, he would emulate me to do that. And I would represent the school effectively,” he says. “But you see, what is important is that whatever the mind conceives and believes, it is totally attainable. I believe it is talent that I have and I have always believed that I would want to contribute, produce a book for it. If you read my book, you would be surprised that now its being printed in the USA. You know I just want to do something challenging, contribute effectively to Zambia in various fields.”
Posted on: Mon, 05 Jan 2015 18:21:27 +0000
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