I have only ever posted one other thing here, and it was for a very different purpose. Im not entirely sure why it feels important to me to write this post ( I am not very big on social media), but for whatever reason, I feel it is something I need to do. Anyone and everyone who knows me ( or even knows OF me Im sure) knows that I have spent the past six years of my life, beer in hand, acting as a wrecking ball for any gift, blessing, opportunity, or relationship that I have ever been graced with. Once I successfully destroyed any and all of these, I proceeded to destroy anything positive or beautiful that had survived my initial attack. There have been so many people (family, friends, doctors, counselors, police officers, judges, probation officers) who have bent over backwards to offer me help, but the fact is that I didnt need help. What I needed was to be so terrified I could hardly stand or breathe. two and a half weeks ago I woke up on the side of the train tracks, homeless, knowing in my heart of hearts that if I didnt stop drinking immediately, and for good, I not only would never get my mind, my personality, and a real life back, but I would die very, very soon. I am going into treatment tomorrow morning, and it feels good to be able to say that I am going into treatment two and a half weeks sober, and because I want to, rather than going in drunk and because the alternative is jail or prison. There is a part of me that is writing this because I have reconnected with many people via facebook, and I want to let those people know that when I disappear this time, its not because Im sleeping in a porto-potty or in prison. There is another part of me that is writing this because next to the amends that I know I need to make, I know that there are many I need to make that I am not even aware of. To those that this concerns, I hope that when I get out of treatment, you will trust me enough to let me know how I can correct my wrong. There is yet another part of me that is writing this because I want to be held accountable to any and everyone ( though most importantly to myself ) for this commitment that I am making to sobriety, and to my life. Or maybe this is all just crap and Im writing this because Im an ego-maniacal drunk with a self-esteem complex who is grasping for attention. All of this aside, the primary reason that I am writing this is not because I even expect anyone to actually read it. Im writing this because whatever it was that woke me up on the train tracks and told me that this nightmare had to end or I would die, is that same something that is compelling me to post this. To anyone who took the time to read this, thank you. But even if no one reads it, it still somehow feels right. All of my love, truly, -John
Posted on: Mon, 18 Aug 2014 20:15:16 +0000
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