I have to say the worst part of this journey is not seeing the end in sight. I know people keep saying youre going to be stronger at the end of all this. That may be true, but it doesnt help now. When you go on a road trip or fly to certain destination, you can mark the time or mileage through road signs or hours that have ticked off your watch. Then as you get nearer your destination, you anticipate the place, warm sun, sandy beaches a nice comfortable suite. You put up with and at times enjoy the journey. But this journey there are no clearly mark signs that say Youre this far, half way there, etc. No this journey for me is what seems like 1 step forward and 3 steps back. I dont see the end result, I just see continued signs that state Im still on this same road. When I talked about my bride I still tear up. I at times cant control the overwhelming sense of loneliness that grips my heart and mind and I lay on my floor crying and calling out to God for His strength and goodness and mercy. I look toward my future with anticipation, knowing God is good and faithful and at the same time I dont see the end. I want to, I need to. I want to wake up and live with my bride again. Grief is a strange beast and can make no sense and perfect sense at the same time. It makes you think youre the only one and everyone else is normal. You begin to long for normal again, but that normal, will not be my normal again. That normal was for my former self, my self that was married to an amazing woman. That normal could have never prepared me for this normal. A normal absent of my bride and best friend, a normal looking for something to stop the hurting in my heart, that normal that drives as the only one in the car to the destination that used to be with my bride. Will I get used to this normal, probably, do I like this or anything about it, no. But it is the road I am on, not the one I chose, but the One He chose for me and because its His choice I guess its His road. He knows how far down this road I am and much further to the end I have to go. Ill have to move with Him, I dont have a choice, I cant stop, Im probably closer than I think or it looks like. I love you Babe, Ill see you soon.
Posted on: Sun, 07 Dec 2014 01:28:13 +0000
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