I hope this is the last pity party rant. I just needed to get this off my chest. In May of 2009 after having a Cerebellar Stroke I was told I had “chronic old person’s brain”. After 6 months and my symptoms had not abated and a CT scan showed I was having a cerebral hemorrhage they transported me to a hospital that had a neurology department. The neurologist explained the effects of each of my 3 strokes. I was told that my symptoms might or might not change over time but they will never go away. Pain: People perceive pain in different way. With this kind of stroke everything is distorted. I could rest my arm on a hot grill and cook my skin and not feel anything or just lightly touch my fingers and feel like I have frost bite. When a doctor touched the bottom of my foot with a cold metal object it felt like I was being electrocuted with 110 volts. I could wear socks half a day and suddenly need to rip them off to put out the fire. I could fall and brake a rib and I know I should feel more pain but it just feels weird and 6 months later for brief moments it feels like someone is stabbing me with a burning knife. My whole foot swells with gout and the only thing I know is that I cannot get my shoe off. My elbow swells to the size of an orange and I have no idea why or if I should be in pain. Then suddenly my forearm gets an intense pain that doubles me over. Balance: Most people don’t think about the sense of balance but once you have lost it and you can’t walk across the room in the dark. Falling is a real possibility all of the time. I could not pass a sobriety check point if my life depended on it. At least now I have no sense of balance, in the beginning I would get false signals. Up would suddenly be down and to the right. Driving to and from work I would scream in terror going around a curve. The first to go was the “Man Head Nod” when two men pass in the hall because it would make me want to vomit. My daughter-in-low got me my first cane because of falling or being knocked down going to and from the parking lot downtown. I cannot use my back yard because of the uneven ground. Hearing: When I served my country back in the early 1970s my hearing was tested to be very sensitive to high pitched sounds above normal human hearing. Back in collage the Ion smoke detectors in the library would give me discomfort so I would sit in the hall outside to do my homework. I could hear the flyback transformers on the old color TVs. Now I have a constant high pitched squeal that never goes away. Distracting at least and painful at most. The volume changes throughout the day but it never goes away. Sometimes the volume is so high that any additional sound in the room makes me wince. How can I tell a loved one that their playful banter is causing me pain? Summer in the yard is impossible due to the locus. Taste/Smell: The enjoyment of food. This is a difficult one to put a finger on just how much I have lost. I do know that I cannot make chili anymore because the only ones that would be able to eat it would be me and my twin nephews. Was the meal at the restaurant truly way to salty or was it just me? I was told by a friend that I was causing too many anxieties with my family by expressing my discomfort so I must internalize these feelings. I know he was right but sometimes I just want to scream. Sorry Facebook friends, I just needed to vent.
Posted on: Tue, 20 Aug 2013 02:56:36 +0000
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