I left the house on my bicycle at 9:28am. Stop #1: filling tires. Done. Stop #2: McBreakfast. Done. Stop #3: Polaris Mall, approximately 147,000 miles north. Decided against the bike trail, as it goes too far west, so I figured Saturday? Holiday weekend? Smooth sailing. Wrong. About 3 miles into the trip, I notice a rubbing sound/feel on the bicycle. Great. Just enough resistance to slow me down. Then, Clintonville is doing some sort of Memorial Weekend Street Horror. Cant swing a dead cat without hitting a CROSSWALK. But no. Mr. and Mrs. Albert Grape have to cross---NOT perpendicularly, as any chimpanzee can be taught to do. (Refer to the Johnny Depp Gilbert Grape film for this pissy reference, please.) No. THEY must walk UP HIGH STREET! All 987 frigging POUNDS of them. So I asked Mr. Po-po if I can ride on the sidewalk (hinting that theyve renamed the asphalt High Sidewalk). He shook his head at me. What power. Hope he uses it for good, the little Tick. Finally, Im passed that nightmare. I get to Worthington, and its richer, whiter, thinner people doing the same thing. Im at least a half hour behind, and there is lots of uphillness awaiting me. I turn onto Worthington-Galena road and decide to call. Im going to be late, and the Apple Geniuses will probably throw acid on my face. I cant get through to an iHuman. Wait.. finally! No, its the national number. I told her I called Polaris and want to talk to THEM. She tells me how, and I have to restart the process. Danfi (seriously?) tells me its ok, and shell see me when I get there. I get to what I think is Polaris. But its not. Its Something Square. WHERE THE HELL IS THE MALL????? I realize: Ive never been before. Finally, I see Polaris Parkway and Macys. I get to the light. It. Just. Wont. Turn. Green. Seriously. Three times, the Parkway traffic got the green. FINALLY, the light turns green (and goes red as Im mid-intersection, but I live). Now Im at the mall. I lock my bike by California Pizza (I hope my bike is considered gluten-free) and enter. I swear to Jesus H. Christ that the grapes are standing in front of the YOU ARE HERE directory. I cant find Apple through the trees (ba-ZINGA!). OK, its past Saks Uppity Avenue, and I start hustling. Assume every single shopper woke up prepared to be in my way today, and youre right with me. I finally find the Apple store; I take a deep breath and walk in. There are 365,778,102 people inside, and half of them are employees. THAT is why a Mac Book Pro is $2,600. Finally, one of the Geniuses (I guarantee my IQ is much, much, MUCH higher) approaches me and asks, How are you? You dont want to know, I hint, but I blahblahblah appointment... So, she hands me off to Josh and his skinny corduroy pantaloons. Parts of our system are down, he warns. Join the club, I dont jest. I show him my home(less) button, and he says, Easy fix. Be right back. (Heres where I do my little clap) HE GAVE ME A BRAND NEW iPOD TOUCH!!!! AND I REMEMBERED TO BACK UP EVERYTHING ON MY PC AND iCLOUD! I ride home, stopping at my bike shop where he has to replace a brake cable (2 months old) and a spoke. But it rides nicely now. I arrive home at 1:55 pm. My legs are burning, and I need a nap. My new iBaby is currently installing my apps, my email, my games and James Michael Jaramillos dick pics.
Posted on: Sat, 24 May 2014 18:51:54 +0000
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