I lived with false hope for a long time believing that as long as I kept trying that things would get better. But things did not get better - they got worse. Then over time I gave up hope and I did not even try at all, I merely tried to get through another day. Even though I did not realize it at the time, I had the proof right before my eyes that no matter what I did or did not do I could not change him. The scary part of having no hope is that I not only gave up on trying to change him I gave up on myself as well. I did not care if I combed my hair or not. My house was a wreck. I was so sure that there was not anything that I could do to help myself. About the only feeling I can remember having was fear. Fear that things could get worse. They told me at my first meeting that this program was for an about me. They kept me focused on the solution and not the problem, and the solution was in me. I had to want it to own it. I have learned that recovery is not by accident. It required a deliberate and premeditated action on my part to face the truth in my life about how I had been living, how I thought, and how I felt about things. I had to come out of denial and face the truth before I could change it. In reality it was truth or consequences. Without change my life would continue the way that it was and it WOULD get worse. They say in our program that we don’t change anything until it hurts more to stay the way we are than it does for us to change. The get worse part was my biggest fear. I did not think that I could take any more. That was my light bulb moment. I had an awesome sponsor who helped me Not make wholesale changes all at once and to not may plans without thought and planning. She helped me take things a day at a time. Do what I should do and could do today and then tomorrow do it all over again. I made flexible plans for my future knowing that at any given moment those plans could change. But always.....always....always I prayed for God’s guidance and wisdom for my life and then I made plans and left the results up to God.
Posted on: Sun, 22 Sep 2013 16:39:33 +0000
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