I remember my father being upset when I got excited to finally go see Aladdin in theaters. There was something on his mind when I couldnt contain my joy and anticipation. Not that he held anything against me for being an excitable little child, no. This was something I didnt fully understand until years later. Years after he tucked me into bed in my Aladdin bedsheets, years after he saw me brushing my teeth with my Genie toothbrush, years after he heard me running around the house singing Friend Like Me and Prince Ali. My father hated Robin Williams. I had to do a little research, not just from his blunt responses, but into the cause of aforementioned hatred. It stemmed back to 1975, when Leonard Peltier allegedly shot two federal agents on a Native American reservation. The agents were investigating a series of armed robberies on the reservation and the whole debacle of What-Are-Federal-Agents-Doing-on-Protected-Territories started, and nobody has gained any ground on the argument since, other than Peltier is in prison and two agents are dead and nobodys changing any stories about what happened. Most of the events details will go (or have already gone) to the participants graves. Fast forward to 1987- a benefit is being thrown to help with Peltiers trial. Hes gained popularity amongst celebrities and musicians and activists looking to assist with his tremendous legal fees. One of the well-known activists to show up to the benefit? None other than Robin Williams. This of course put him and many other activists on unfavorable lists belonging to long-term grudge-holding individuals. And I fully understand the sentiment. Now keep in mind all this happened when I was two years old, barely able to stop soiling myself or form anything resembling half a coherent sentence. Im unaware of the world around me, not unlike most Monday nights in my 20s. And now Aladdins coming out and my father and I couldnt have been on more opposite sides of the emotional spectrum. But what do you do? Do you deny your child an experience to be surrounded by something he clearly loves because of a conflict he doesnt understand? Do you sit him down and explain the vicious nature of the Guardians of the Oglala Nation and expect him to get any reason behind politically-charged paramilitary groups and their impact on society? Or do you suck it up and let his mother take him to the movie? I went with my mom and I had a blast. I made her buy me the soundtrack on cassette tape and I played it ad nauseam until I memorized the lyrics to every song, even though I didnt know what romantic love was and thought A Whole New World was gross because people liked each other. I wanted to be the Genie. I wanted to know how to pull references from the void and throw them into any conversation or recording. I wanted to get every joke he was making because we all know those Ed Sullivan references went over the heads of anyone under 20 in those theaters. Robin Williams was more than an inspiration for voice acting to me. He was the physical manifestation of versatile, ever-changing intelligent comedy. Comedy where you could forget about work, the bills, the divorce, the nagging acquaintances with nervous tics that drive you up a wall. Everything. I forgot where I was when I watched Aladdin because I was truly there. In the film. It was one of the first movies I remember living. Certainty coursed through my veins as I prepared myself to step aboard the ship Mr. Williams so expertly navigated. The ship that I hoped to one day command, or at least learn to steer myself as I learned every corner of her and every way she was destined to sail. I always wrote a great deal, even in my early years. But I never really performed anything. Starting in the 2nd grade, after my first viewing of Aladdin, I used every opportunity I had to make my friends and family laugh. Or at least smile. It meant the world to me, hearing them giggle or chuckle or even have a hard time breathing at something I thought of or did. It wasnt even an ego thing. I never thought of myself as the funny one growing up, and I still dont. Fortunately I was been surrounded by people who made me laugh hysterically on a rather frequent basis. They were even more inspiration to entertain- well, Ryan made me laugh this hard, so I have to make him laugh this hard... Never, ever as competition, either. Only as a communal education to see all the possible ways to make one another laugh and discover humor in all things. Mr. Williams felt like one of those friends to me. He was so focused while simultaneously all over the map and went to every corner of imagination with such frightening precision, it felt like we could send him as envoy to an intergalactic federation of planets and hed know everything about alien cultures and theyd have to send him back because laughing is an insult on some planets and they couldnt contain their accidental offense. I started with impressions for all my friends, then moved on to original characters and eventually independently designed formulations from my own head delivered by me as myself. Thats what was difficult for me, doing things as me. Ive always suffered from crippling stage fright and trying to make people laugh has always been the most effective form of calming my nerves. No, T.W. Samuels, you havent helped me relax on stage once and Im not falling for that one again. When people laugh, theyre not nervous. Then it gets infectious and eventually diffuses across the room to me. I even got interested in the physiological and anthropological history behind laughter. Yeah. Turns out, its meant to calm a situation down when were freaking out too much. Its a quick reaction to let everybody know were okay. Our ancestors would sit around a campfire at night, waiting to defend against an attack of myriad origins. A rustle in the bushes nearby. A tiger? A mammoth? Oh, jeez, it was just a nest of baby mice crackling the leaves. How do we instantly tell everybody its okay? We dont have developed language or writing yet. We laugh. Ha. Ha. Ha. It was just mice. Everything is fine, guys. Comedy has always been and will always be more to me than pulling a few chuckles out of a bag and throwing them at people you had to drag out to a show on a school night and theyre really being nice they didnt have to do this, really you should come back I swear there are usually more people. Comedy has been my life, in whatever form it can possess and I lack the intellect, the judgment, and the passion of attachment to be able to take a side on something I do not fully understand and was not party to that happened a lifetime ago. Dad, I understand why you loathed this man, I truly do, but I cannot look you in the eye and tell you he has not been a monolithic source of inspiration for me throughout the years. All those times I made you laugh, dad, have been partly due to a proximal education from Mr. Williams. I will not engage in any political discussion of any sort regarding the events of the Pine Ridge Reservation, nor will I pick a side to defend as I am incapable of fully understanding. Its Israel and Palestine to me. Its been going on far too long and I dont get it and I never will and Im not on anybodys side. Life was lost and that is horrific. And now, as another life vanishes into the great oblivion, I stop and wonder about others lost over the years. We all have loved ones weve lost for every reason under the sun. But when it comes to this particular way to lose someone, the impact is perpetual. Ive had friends and loved ones in the past not just attempt but finish the unfortunate effort of taking their own lives and I can tell you that those thoughts never go away. People casually joke about taking their own lives to get out of a situation and I lugubriously linger on those I know who have. I know, I dont mean to ruin the party, and Im not asking anybody to stop joking about killing themselves because it makes a few people in the room sad. But please always keep in mind that your friends and loved ones may not always be who they say they are or feel how they say they feel just because you asked via text message if they were OK. It takes enormous courage to step forth and tell somebody you have suicidal thoughts or tendencies but once you cross that line, I promise you there are people willing to stand by your side and walk with you through the hellish landscape that may pull at your very being just to make sure you come back to being the person they have always known and loved. We are here for you, we love you and we always will. Dont let that darkness stay over your head for too long. Sure, it puts things in perspective, and yeah the world can be a nasty place. Itll burn and itll hurt like you wont believe, but you can return reborn. But stay under long enough and the world always looks like that cruel. I promise you, its not. I wont berate you and say suicide is selfish and youre not thinking about the impact it has on those who love you. Ill just tell you something I told somebody who was in a bad situation a very long time ago- its not about who you are or what youve done. Its about who you havent met yet. If you or anyone you know is battling with depression or abuse, please collect yourself some details at afsp.org/ A truly wonderful organization with nothing but your well-being in mind. If going to a meeting or talking to a stranger is too far-fetched for you, look no further than yours truly. I am always willing to listen to anybody for any amount of time and you have my guarantee on that. Loved ones come first. Worrying about my bills and leveling up my guy in Battlefield are pretty far down the list compared to you. Im here. Were all here. And I can totally love both my dad and Robin Williams at the same time. tl;dr I love you
Posted on: Tue, 12 Aug 2014 06:29:15 +0000
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