I remember the day I was told, it is the day I cannot forget. His memory pierces through my heart and sees me purely and truly for the person I no longer had to disguise. He couldnt speak, yet said so much in my dreams now than before but I hear him. I’m proud to be a person to hear such a silent voice that speaks so big yet it kills me inside to only remember him. A human being can only dream of having a voice this loud in complete and dead silence. Eyes; such a small feature on a human being who could stand so tall. Yet, they overpowered everything else. They spoke for what was true and could tell no wrong. A reflection of the heart and soul, it is. Walls of memory are more stubborn than I thought. I see it. His heart was bigger than any human beings and it showed so clearly. If only man could have such a heart like his, then the world would become completely pure. He knew me, oh yes he knows me, he was me in the making, the future beckoning. He knew me like no other person will ever know me. Not a single word was spoken and everything would be understood as whole. The secret was silence because in our silence, thats when most was ever revealed. Unfortunately I’m weak, slow, not man enough to live his dream. Its true, a person never sees the world differently until they step into anothers shoes. But we were in each others worlds. Two worlds collided into one. There was so much meaning, so much understanding. He knew what I could never say and I knew what was never heard. Its what made us so unique. A hearts cry could never be hidden because when eyes were met, everything was known. As either broken or whole, he saw every crack and bruise and every opened wound. He knew my tears for my heart was clear to him as if it were cut out of my chest and held up to his face, the very face that became Gun Face. I knew his tears. Never once seen by any other except for one. No tears ever fell from his eyes but his eyes reflected a crying heart. I saw his hurt. How can one disguise pain to be so beautiful, so majestic? I saw more than people knew. More than people will ever know. He saw in me what was never revealed to any opened mind. I saw more in him than what met any ordinary eye. The stars used to dance over us. The moon, a crescent, would smile down at us. I remember the sparkle in his eyes and how it reflected a world beyond. I watched the million stars dance in his closed eyes that night. He had that spark that could out shine even the brightest star in the sky. His heart was radiant. They reflected that twinkle(the twin) his eyes owned so well. I was not there but I now know because he was me in another body. His eyes would go deeper than any surface and we would be left looking for more. He spoke to me through eyes that spoke for a heart so true. He consumed me with acceptance and love that Ive never felt so powerful and obvious with any human being in my life. I guess he wanted to tell me all will be well. But now my dreams are those of heartfelt brother for I was never alone. I was not the only one broken, that I know to be true. He was broken too, he leaved me without saying good bye. He would fill the holes of what could be missing in a heart and I did the same for him. We lifted each other up and bonded the blood of unseen and seen wounds, until there was no trace of scars. So we live, not sure if it is the correct word or choice of words but we live as two broken hearts healing but one is so hard to care for because it still beats to the rat race that he fought against, hence he was the gambler, the street wise one, the academic and always pushing boundaries to become rich. We were each others support. He was winning the race and so was I. Our hearts connected to make each other stronger and unbroken. It may be impossible to read minds, but it is possible to read a heart, if taken the time to read in between the lines; between the cracks and scars and we did that without even trying. How rare is that? In a moment so perfect, one will always think of forever but they never hear the sound of reality knocking on their door. How deafening can death sound to the ear sometimes. It was there. Not even beside us, but in front of us. A person can be so blinded to what is beautiful and the closest thing to perfect because perfect is barely anywhere in this world. But when beauty is found, we cling onto it because in darkness, it could be the only thing that shines. But when light dims and fades, then whats there to do? The sun set early that night. The stars fell from the sky one by one and crashed all around me. I could hear them break like fragile glass cracking and breaking beneath my feet. The one sound that was unbearably deafening. I didnt dare to look at the disaster coming forth. Yet I could feel the edges of the stars hit me all around. Clouds would forever hide what was wished to be seen that night. After the thousandth one shattered into millions, there was no more left. It rained in Pretoria. When it was over the rain disappeared, vanished; along with the spark I once saw in his eye. My brightest star began to dim right in front of me. He started to disappear. In amazement, I could only watch him fade into the air right in front of me. My hands wanted to reach out and grab everything that was leaving so quickly, but i stood there as if paralyzed in place. The time and space was against me, holding everything we ever had in its hands. All in one, with a great deal of force it moved on. I fainted as I watched his new set of wings while he took a first and last flight away from me for forever. He carried all the moments, all the memories and a broken and healed heart. I could only pray hed get the first heart fixed for me while he was away. Heres to nine years, three months and nineteen days without seeing his face. Nothing has been the same ever since. Its true, no one will ever know me like I was once known before. Two different people can be created throughout a tragedy or love for that matter. In ones eyes, it can be a beautiful thing. In anothers it can be a nightmare slowly transforming into a reality. Throughout it all, some can grow and be created for the worse and some for the better. I still don’t know which one to choose, to become or to live. I can still see his wings. They are still just as beautiful as he once was. Theyre combined with all the stars from heaven itself. That shine, his eyes held once, still shine but differently. He shines even brighter now that hes closer to the stars than Ill ever be. They still portray a heart and a life of pure and touching beauty and I experience that every time the stars dance over me, pulling me back in time to when there was just him and I. His wings are jewelled with every star above while looking down at me. As they shine, itll set a reminder that hes never far away. For whenever Im missing him, Ill look up to the heavens for the stars to connect us again. Ill close my eyes and be carried through time and know itll be okay. Because every night when the stars of his wings glow, Ill watch and think of him. But from now until we become alike, keep shining for me. Above and over me. I remember you Gun Face, just like yesterday when we played with all the old car tyres we used to own, and the House was still black with rough cast. I remember the day we used to sleep over Le Ndade, our neighbour outside in the open. I remember you with our same look identical clothes back at Leolo High. I remember you just like the day we saw abuti Tshidiso the first time in our lives, I remember you just the way we slept over ko Chiawelo when our Sis Maki was married there, and yes I remember you just like the time we discovered Nini was our sister from Mofolo, she spoke Zulu. I won’t forget how we helped mom pack mogodu and sold sorghum to make ends meet. I remember you through your daughter but most especially through my son. How i I wish you could be here to see the family expand. You left me with Mehloti, Hepe, Thato, Borena,Karabo, Palesa, Ofentse and Musa I’m an uncle and a soft grandfather and I know if only you were here it would be different. They are the Motini’s now. I live with them but I have my own life to live therefore failure is at times my companion I remember you Gun Face, just like I remember Mesotlho our grandmother back ko 919, with our small mealie field, I remember you just like I remember malome Tumi and malome Malan, I remember you the very same way I remember rangwane Sera . I remember you just like I remember Steyn Muzi ka Mbambo or the way I remember Malome John Lincoln with our photo frames. I remember you the way I remember the Jetta and Honda our father used to own how he would drive us through the streets of Soweto for the fun of it. I remember you the very same way Rakgadi Maki used to sing lullaby’s to us the very same ones I sing to my kids. I remember you like the way Malome Tlhomi used to ask us for new hit songs, I still remember you the way we used to be called upon by uncle Prof Mohale to take care of his house from Kelvin to Houghton. I know you would remember Meisie, Russia, Comrade, Khunkwane and Tornado, our dogs. Oh! I remember you just like the day you accidentally hit me with a garden spade and today still that’s the only scar I have. To you Tumelo ‘Gunface’ Motini live on my brother, torment me with your dreams for now we live in different worlds, separated by life and death. I know my dreams are your world, live on them, my being, your stage to dance on it, my soul your 325IS gusheshe to ride on it, my struggle your challenge, my knowledge your wisdom, my success your failure corrected, my vision your dream becomes reality, my hope your wish restored, my want your need fulfilled and most importantly your death in tragedy my life to live in happiness for your memories to live on. I remember you. Every day I think of you and all I want to do is to make you proud This are my memories please do not forget for it is the pain that is…. The pain that is my memories to live with and bear Outside still clouds gather Here inside I dont understand What hole I am and what it means On the leaves and grass the mist clings I hurt and try to find what reason I have For this anger I hold Shaken by the breeze, drops of water fall I want it to leave and not say goodbye I have no love for it here it hurts and eats away At all I have made of my heart and soul But now this anger deep and awful Rumbles along with approaching thunder Haunts and I try to rid myself of the pain Look away from the quick flashes but without a source A reason why I cannot solve this mess inside and Lightning slashes, branches bow and I hurt Cause it wont go away and I feel as if all I have to say is To hell with everything and everyone As precipitation swirls and clouds darken further Because all that matters Is the tornado that holds all. My organs and emotions crashing and churning In one same whirling vortex But I know that its wrong To me so self-righteous as wind breaks and takes I am cruel, I am mean, I hurt, I am human, I am caring I am soft, I hold, I break, I am ashamed to be who I am Because I know what is right but my mind wont agree The trees whos leaves the storm has taken yearn for them once more My head chases me in circles so to confuse me And I begin to cry out but the storm recedes In frustration and fury at my own heads distaste and demure I am not who I want to be this storm has changed And I am not the perfection that is trained into the lines That wind and rain have worn. How long shall a soldier survive? When emotions kills you inside. This pain that is my memories to live with and bear. Heres to nine years, three months and nineteen days of missing you. Written by Emotional Soldier
Posted on: Tue, 19 Nov 2013 06:16:45 +0000
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