I remember the days when I didnt feel the need to edit or censor myself on fb (or anywhere). I felt so comfortable being transparent about my life and experiences, my emotions and thoughts..... and felt not only the catharsis in this manner of expression, but also in the vast support, empathy, and encouragement from others in doing so. I dont feel that freedom anymore, because there have been consequences in so doing in the past. People get mad at you for writing about them (whether or not you even disclose who they are), or people assume youre writing about them, when youre not. Its not polite to mention your family problems, and you have to be careful in case students and parents are reading along. You speak specifically to one issue, and it gets twisted into a billion others. And God forbid you ever write anything less than being utterly blessed and grateful and celebrating the highest good in everything and everyone everywhere and all the time! I think all the criticism and critique finally got to me over the years. I just dont have the energy to go to bat, even for myself sometimes. The immediate consequence is that what remains unsaid is bottled and brimming inside.... and doesnt always get expressed in the healthiest context to the right people. Or gets expressed to the right people, but not in a good way. Or, never gets expressed at all, and I feel like Im carrying a ton of bricks in my heart. In other words: its one of those days when I have a lot in my mind, and a lot on my heart, and I feel like Im choking on it all... and I really wish I could just write it out and share it.... but I dont feel that the benefits of so doing would outweigh the potential backlash. Still journaling. Still meet with Tom every week. Still pray, and do all the tried and true methods with discipline and dedication. But, Im pretty isolated up in here, and havent felt this disconnected from community in many years. Sometimes, I dont know who to turn to in times of distress, and other times, I dont even want to burden people with my heart. Ever mindful of the many blessings, and the love surrounding me. Its just one of those days, after one of those weekends, and I had to get something off my chest, even if its only scratching the surface. Thank you.
Posted on: Mon, 20 Oct 2014 17:23:04 +0000
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