I remember when I was little - even a teenager - I could not understand why my mom left certain groups of people. She always said it was because the people tried to tell her how to do things. I kept thinking, That doesnt mean you have to do them, not realizing how that felt. It wasnt just a disagreement - I do it this way, you do it that way. Its exclusion. Its looking down at the one who does not fit the norm. For a couple of years before I was homeschooled, I was in a Christian school. I do remember a lot of what went on there. It wasnt abuse or anything like that. But there were families in the school that were bigger in the school, mainly because they were all related. I remember trying to be friends with one of the girls, but I never made it. And it probably was because my mom did things differently than this family did. My grades in that school went so far down. I could not understand the methods they were using. I remember the day - still remember it - that I got a D on my report. It was for English, which was always one of my best subjects. I could not get the hang of diagramming. It was then that I began being homeschooled. Funny thing is, we used the exact same curriculum. We used the exact same videos to teach the subject. But when I was home, I got it. Within a couple of months, my grade in English (and my parents did not keep my grades or do any grading, the curriculum company did) went to an A. I was under less stress, the feeling of being the one on the outside was not there. At the time we left the school, we also left the church it was established with. We did not go back. In fact, we did not go back to any church until I was in my twenties. I always wanted to, and I was angry in some ways that I couldnt. Being totally honest, what got us to go back to a church was when my guitar teacher suggested that I start playing in front of people. We went back to a different church where I began playing in a worship team. Playing the guitar got us back into church, which was a good thing for me. I enjoyed going. I enjoyed the people. There was also the issue of discipline. The church and school associated with it were big on the idea, Spare the rod, spoil the child. My mom was not. My mom was the first person I ever heard say that this doesnt mean a literal rod. She said it came to her one night when she asked God. It meant the Bible. If we spare the Bible from our kids, we will spoil them. Years and years and years later, when I took an Inductive Bible Study class for college, I got a Strongs Concordance. The purpose of the class was to learn how to study the Bible - really study. Not just read it. It was to learn the original words. It was to take the theological concept in that cultural setting and apply it to our lives today. I loved that class. It fit me. One of the things that I looked up in my concordance was the Hebrew meaning for rod in the Passages in question. I found that the word rod was the exact same word used in Psalm 23 - the word that we believe means Gods Word that comforts us. I also found that it refers to a shepherds crook, not a stick for beating. A shepherd that beats its sheep is not a shepherd. Its a rod of guidance. God had given my mom that meaning years and years before. I could not have been older than ten or twelve years old. But that idea conflicted greatly with the ideas of the school and the church. And while that may not seem like a big deal, -everyone has different parenting philosophies, - in this environment it was a big deal. And now that I am older, I understand how my mom felt. First of all, when I was growing up, my dad was not a church-goer. My mom was the one who took the kids to church, who believed. My dad was never a big believer. I remember my dad going to church a couple of times - after my mom died. I never remember him going to church when I was little, not even for programs or special occasions. Even if we try to get away from it, there is an outlook from the Christian community that women whose husbands do not go to church need extra discipleship. Its a stigma. The same is true of single mothers. They need extra help. And this oh, so often translates to Their kids need extra discipline through a father figure. They need a spiritual dad. What they often do not realize is just because one parent does not go to church, that does not mean the kids do not have a dad. But what happens, inadvertently, is those kids are watched more closely for any misbehavior. They do typical kid things. They misbehave. Its what kids do. But they are watched closer. I remember one complaint from the school I went to about me was that I gave strange looks. I still do. I cant help it. My emotions show on my face. If I am disappointed or angry with someone or even scared or intimidated by someone, that look shows through, no matter how hard I try to hide it. I have worked on it for years - giving that fake smile, but the other looks always come through. Its not that I disobeyed when I was younger. I didnt. But I often did not do it with a smile on my face. And that was a problem. That was what was picked out about me by the teachers. Now Im pretty sure there were a lot of other kids from families where both parents made an appearance that had that same issue. But they did not need the discipleship that I did in the eyes of a Christian community. I can say that this aspect did not really affect me that much when I was growing up, but I know now that this is what affected my mom in many ways. Its so hard when you see that happening to your child. You feel its not right. The ideas that were prevalent in communities when I was growing up have not changed. But I do not want Taliesin and Nathanael to be taken away from opportunities because of what I feel. That is what my mom did, and, as I said, it made me angry in a lot of ways, especially when I became a teenager. I believe my mom did what she felt was best in this area. And I do not blame her, now that I understand. I guess when we become parents, we try to improve upon our own childhoods, so we change some things. I think the answer for me, as I posted last night, is to step out myself while still giving Taliesin and Nathanael the opportunities they need to stay in. I know this is especially important for Nathanael. As I said last night, hes the type of kids who thrives on other people. I used to as well. But life has taught me hard lessons. Conform or never truly fit in. I chose not fitting in. And I teach Taliesin and Nathanael to be who they are. Taliesin does not have problems with that at all. He is who he is. Nathanael, not so much. But perhaps God has a plan for both of them to instigate changes for the better than I could not. Changes that say, Its okay to be different. Its okay if we disagree.
Posted on: Fri, 11 Jul 2014 12:06:36 +0000
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