I sat in our living room (funny, I might need to call it our surviving room, because this aint living folks!) last night while dad was on his farm that is truly his salvation right now. Brian was at home taking care of his family and life and I realized, if this would have been BCD times, you would have stayed home with me because you didnt want me to be alone. I look back at those times now and smile because many times, you would lay on one couch snoring and I would be on the other many times watching you and marveling at your beauty, all that you achieved, and how blessed I was to have two amazing kids. Thank you Brian Talken and Corrie for allowing me to be your aggravating mama who loves you more than her own life. How is it only been one month since you died, since hearing and seeing the horror of that night, when my mind, body soul and heart feel likes its aged 30 years, not 30 days. Baby, when I laid down beside your grave 3 weeks ago, I made you a promise I would stay as strong as I could with you being gone, but right now I am struggling. I have so many offers from family and friends who want to help me and I know when I have lonely evenings like last night, I could call any of them and them and they would be here for me, but the thing is I cant share this time with anyone because it was always OUR time. Last night it was so cloudy and I couldnt see one star and was about to turn around and turn on my glass block that will always have a pink star in it that Melanie Eckhoff Houser made us (BTW Ms. Melanie I saw the beautiful glass pane you laid on your cousins grave. I left it there for now, but plan to bring it back here and put it up on the wall. Thank you my beautiful little niece) when Daddy said: Hold on Peg, shell come to us. Look how fast the clouds are moving. Sure enough not even 5 minutes later, you showed up! Thank you baby girl, it has become to important to us to see your star, tuck you in, and tell you we love you followed with 3 kisses sent your way. Baby, do you see us every night looking for you? Do you? I sure hope so. I went to your grave again yesterday. Your balloons were deflated and your flowers were wilted. As I began picking up the balloons/flowers I remember thinking these represent how my soul and heart feels without you. Two of our friends were at grave yard and come over to visit. I told one of them how the very last words you and I spoke to each other was “ I LOVE YOU”. He looked at me and said when he was growing up no one ever said those words to him or each other. I asked him if he told his kids he loved them since he knew what It was like to not hear those words. He said he doesn’t say them to his sons, that they knew he loved them. I told him to start saying the words. Even if you know it, you still need to hear those words sometimes.. You are a wonderful man T.F., and should’ve been told that when you were little and growing up. IT’S ONLY 3 LITTLE WORDS AND YOU CAN DO THIS T.F. I am so tired. I have tried Tylenol PM, Melatonin and prayer. I seem to be averaging 3-4 hours of uninterrupted sleep only to wake to tossing and turning. Two nights ago I actually slept 5 hours and thought I was on my way to sleeping again. Seems like it’s reversing again…..WELCOME TO GRIEF LAND WHERE THE ROLLER COASTER RIDES ARE AVAILABLE 12/7. I would like to give another little heads up. If you know a mommy in this club who suffers everyday from losing her baby, and all you want to do is comfort her, be very careful how you react to things in public. You have to understand, that for many of us it is an extremely hard thing to accomplish by going out in public anymore. You know you can’t hold back your emotions, you know you will end up crying and you know people around you don’t understand why and will stare at you. If you are with that mommy and she finally opens up about her grief or is telling a story about her baby and someone you know walks by, don’t acknowledge that person by saying hello and asking how they are and therefore interrupting the mama. You have effectively reduced our grief to the “unimportant” level in our way of thinking right now and we may not trust you again with our broken heart. I know it is an innocent act on people’s part when this happens, it is natural to say hi to someone you know, but to a grieving mommy everything is raw and exposed, therefore everything has the potential to be a big deal. If truly want to help, then believe what I just told you and don’t give up on us. We see it in your eyes that you want to help BUT we also see we make you uncomfortable now, we also notice you not calling as much. We may be engulfed with grief but we notice! My challenge today is to tell God and the people you love just that- I LOVE YOU. If you are someone that finds it hard to say these three little words, begin saying it with a thought, turn that thought into a whisper, the whisper into your voice, your voice into a declaration of love. Why is it so much easier for us to criticize the ones we love than to tell them these 3 little but so powerful and life changing words? Don’t wait until tomorrow, today may be the only day left to say the words, yours may be the last words they hear or the last words you hear from them. I know, because they were the last words shared by this broken mommy and her beautiful baby girl. Psalm 18:2 “The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” God bless, LET GO LET GOD, Dimes, pink skies & stars, mismatched socks, magic rocks. lost crockpots, wet puppy dog smells, quiet time, holding hands, I LOVE YOU’s and Unicorns.
Posted on: Tue, 05 Aug 2014 13:25:32 +0000
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