I saw a wonderfully touching and poignant film Saturday night. There was a quote in it that I feel sort of sums up a struggle I have been fighting within myself regarding moving forward and embracing the destiny that awaits me, and truly accepting the death of my mother... The film is called About Time—and while the quote refers to the characters father, it clearly put into words something I have been afraid to verbalize and something that I fear... Saying yes to the future means saying goodbye to my Dad forever. (About Time) It was a subtly beautiful film filled with heart and humor, and I was not expecting to feel such emotion, or shed so many tears. The film took a much different turn than I was anticipating—and affected me more deeply than I was prepared for. It made me face a reality that frankly, at least for the evening, I was hoping to escape. I miss my Mom soooo much every day, and sometimes fear that if I truly embrace the future and move forward with life instead of staying in this weird limbo—that I have created for myself and confined myself to—it will mean that I have accepted she is gone and am okay with it. However, what I have come to realize is that I havent truly accepted it (and probably never will)—and I am NOT okay with it, and never will be. Sometimes I fluctuate back to denial believing that all of this isnt real, and one thing is for sure... Even though I try to let it go and try not to let the darkness devour me, I carry a quiet anger within me EVERY DAY that she was taken from my Dad and I (and all her family and friends) so soon. It is so unfair and will never make sense to me. I feel like she still had so much more to do here on Earth, and honestly, I wasnt ready to be a motherless daughter quite yet. I knew it would be a reality eventually—but I just thought we would be able to make many more memories together. At times, I also fear that maybe I wasnt the best daughter I could have been—that I could have been better, done better, said more, been more—and that haunts me every second of every day. Ive always been one to believe that everything happens for a reason—but in this case, I am truly having difficulty grasping what that reason may be...
Posted on: Sun, 24 Nov 2013 13:48:57 +0000
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