I saw her from the checkout lane, standing by herself near the returns desk and decked out in her full uniform, as she was in my apartment the day of her fruitless record theft investigation. Youd think, with this being a relatively small town, Id be running into the people like Officer Almostmylastname over and over again, and wed all know each others families and lawn care habits. While this kind of thing happened way more in California, strange as that is, it took until today to run into someone I wanted to see again, and in a Wal-Mart no less. Wal-Mart, for those who are wondering, is a store that sells Little Debbie’s Frosted Fudge Cakes. She looked so lonely, Officer Almostmylastname did, even surrounded by a group of mouth breathers who all seemed to have busted pool rafts. Surely Wal-Mart wouldnt give an adorable officer of the law grief for not having a receipt with her return. I thought I’d wait until I was through the line before saying hi to her, but as the guy in front of me was paying for his watermelon with a check, I seized the moment and left the line. Officer Almostmylastname saw me approaching, as she was probably trained to do. I hoped there would be a glimmer of recognition, but sadly there wasnt. It had been quite a few months, and shes probably had more than (Tom) petty larceny on her plate since that time. She was already looking at me, so there wouldnt even be one of those opportunities where she could flick the bill of her hat up to get a better look at me, which was also pretty disappointing. I was well within inside voice range now, but I realized two things: 1. I had forgotten her actual last name, only remembering that she said her first name was Officer when I asked, though the card that was still in my wallet listed her real name. 2. I had an armful of those aforementioned Frosted Fudge Cake longboxes. They were 2 for $2.50, so I couldnt not buy 8 of them while I was there. Feeling myself blush, knowing that it had been long since I walked right up to an armed woman like this, her first name finally came to me. Chloe? As she did that fateful night, she pointed to her breast. Officer? Thats right, thats right. Hi. I dont know if you remember me. I should have continued. I should have told her why she should remember my case - Bug Man & The Missing Top Records Of All Time - but instead I just stood there making anticipatory faces I hoped would stir memories of our lengthy time together. So much time had passed already that I feared she would instead become emotionally invested in the stories going on around us, the sound of sweaty hands rubbing against still-dripping pool rafts and various transactional cries of No, I aint got no receipt.” Then finally--- Records guy,” she pointed at me. It was just the two of us again. Yeah. Shaun, with the records. How are you? Good. You know, we actually have a few leads on--- If she werent carrying a loaded gun, this would have been my moment to put a finger to her lips, something I write about all the time but have never done. She was still talking, but I didnt care about the records. They were gone. But she was right here. What brings you here? I asked, mouth full of cotton. She gave an over yonder with her head. Shoplifter. When she brought her head back around, she finally eyed my gluttonous armful of Fudge Cakes. Using what were probably well-honed powers of deduction, she was likely calculating that I would be eating at least a fourth of them tonight, so I knew I had to think fast. Oh no, I wasnt going to buy them,” I said, clearly guilty. “I just noticed...that they were all expired, so I....I was...bringing them to the front...to... To pay for them? Damn it, were the expiration dates showing, or could she just tell I was bluffing? She was probably really good at interrogations. God, do I love a woman who is good with interrogations. Just then, out of the back room, behind her and in front of me, came a contrite-looking teenager and what was probably the manager, holding a rumpled box of Hopeful Stud condoms that had clearly been stuffed down the kids shorts. Again, I knew I only had seconds to act. I asked, eyes behind her at the thwarted shoplifter, Say, Chloe, Officer...Chloe, do you mind if I ask you something? Yes, sir. Sir? Damn. I asked anyway. Do you ever date victims? She looked like she was about to answer, she really did. But I was too late. The manager called out to her when I should have had at least five more seconds for a yes or no. She had eyes on me for one of those seconds, before giving the next four and beyond to the wayward youth and the manager, both still shaking from the adrenaline. The manager put the stolen goods in Officer Almostmylastnames hands, and said something grumbly. She gave me one further sideways glance, and said, Ill be in touch, sir. Shell be in touch. She was probably talking about the record theft case, but until she calls, Im going to just take it the other way. Come on, I need this. More than these Frosted Fudge Cakes, at least, all but 6 of them I put back.
Posted on: Wed, 09 Jul 2014 13:39:32 +0000
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