"I started to really honestly look in to the feelings and beliefs - TopicsExpress

"I started to really honestly look in to the feelings and beliefs inside myself when I made requests of my son (who was 3y.o. at the time) and I became increasingly aware that I felt at least a bit stressed when I expressed a request, but particularly in front of other people. I always thought that it didn’t bother me that I parented differently, I told myself that I wasn’t defensive about being a kind, compassionate parent who chose to work with my son rather than give him blind orders and I pretty much never lectured him, much less threaten him or use punishments. As much as I was proud of how I parented and could see the benefits in my relationship with my son, it was challenging to know that others would view my relationship with my son to be “permissive” because I didn’t make a strong statement about being the boss and making him do what he’s told immediately! I had to admit that I wasn’t quite as at peace with the difference between my parenting style and that of what seemed like everyone else I knew. In fact, when I dug a little deeper, I discovered that I did have a lot of feelings on the subject that needed my attention. I realized that I had no real life modelling at all of this way of parenting. I was largely just following my instincts around what was right. I realized that from the time my son was a baby, I secretly didn’t really trust that a child who isn’t treated harshly could or would just do what they’re asked to do by their parent. Because I only really had negative associations around “obedience”, I didn’t really understand why a child would willingly comply. Even though there were very few times when my son refused to cooperate with me, I discovered that I sort of felt like it was just a fluke every time and I myself was surprised that I was “pulling it off”. I did undersand intellectually from all I’d read that children who are securely attached are more liley to be cooperative and less likely to be defiant, but I was yet to really “get” that understanding on an emotional level. (click the link to read full post)