I talked to/with Brown about the piano dude today along with the lovely start of the day and the artistic shift in my life. He noticed my new more artistic Tervis cup, and I said Yes. This, of course, is some tangible data on the emotional and Spiritual shifts going on in the bigger picture of my life. All my other Tervis cups are data oriented like the solar system, periodic table and such. Specifically noticed this Tervis cup because I do feel much more freedom to feel and express my artist in a lot of areas in my life, but still going to be a year or two before things really calm down, ESPECIALLY if we talking engine overhaul Monday. Prayers that this is just something super simple and cheap to fix are most welcome. I have been really evaluating what the piano dude represents or has represented for me when I worked at DCMA. I knew I didnt know him, and it would have been nice to just have been able to e-mail him in the past, but it was not needed for what I needed him for. Sorry I used you dude, but I didnt really realize what was going on until recently. Basically, one might say that due to my childhood training in not only dealing with unpleasant things, but to work to get out of my situation in this small prejudiced hick town and get TO COLLEGE, much less pay for college with a full scholarship, I would hazard a guess that almost have a PhD in compartmentalizing emotional parts of me or certain feelings as needed to survive emotionally until I was in an emotionally safe enough play to check them back into my library, you might say. So, I had compartmentalized the artist/musician fairly well within myself for the first 10 years at DCMA, but the move to Dallas/Grand Prairie was a turning point. I actually needed to leave that part of myself back in Clear Lake if I had to work for more than 10 years at DCMA, which was likely back then. So, the piano dude was my generic placement for my artistic self until I could get back to Clear Lake. Then, hopefully, after I retire in another five years and get back to Clear Lake and am still able to check in that particularly library book of feeling/me. So, in a way, it kind of worked that I really didnt know the dude. His website and the little I had experienced with regard to him showed me he was someone like me when it came to music. I sad that I thought I would never find someone who got music like I did because I just thought I was an oddball. I never looked or expected to find anyone that came close to how I perceive music. So, it was kind of a whoa to realize this guy was teaching at ACC when I was working on my CAC at ACC. Again, God works in these really round about ways a human could never even think of, that basically make the larger physical world shrink to a very small world emotionally. I went to the academic counseling department to ask about getting the 2 year CAC versus a 4 year psych degree. And, this counselor thought it was the end of the world that I was not what he called core complete. So, I thought the piano dude was working COM. But, in order to be core complete and I guess, from what I could figure out, to get the 4 year, I have do the core complete also, which is like a language, works for me, need to learn Spanish for the work I do anyway, some course in music, some other courses I think my previous chemistry and math classes took care of a how to use a computer course. Okay, I think I got that covered for sure, and so on. So, I like cool. I have REALLY needed to learn Spanish for the volunteer work I did and potential work in retirement I was going to do. And, one the music requirement, I was like SERIOUSLY! YES! First time I connected back into that part of myself, and then started looking piano classes and teachers there at ACC and I come across the piano guy, and I am like that could not be the same person because the other guy works at COM. Come to find out at a New Years thing (Carla invited me because she had an extra ticket because John was going to be Philmont) at SOTC where Joes daughter did a ballet thing to piano. She was very beautiful and I would not be surprised if she does dance for a living, which comes across as very shocking for any engineer. We just dont readily perceive ourselves as creative. HOWEVER, if one thinks about it, we ARE seriously creative . . . . In problem solving. I think engineers tend to perceive creative with a painting or something. But, back to the point, because I knew of this guy and that New Years thing confirmed it was that guy, I really started to connect back into my artist. And, I am like Kim, Sorry, but you just cant go there woman, not which you are working for DCMA to the emotional armor I needed to have on survive DCMA emotionally and get a thicker skin DoD people say. So, I do a google at some point, his OWN website came up and am floored that there is an oddball (no offense) like me in the world. It really got me thinking also. What if I had been able to pursue music emotionally? I had never even thought of something like this before I made the website connection with him. But, he is like the ultimate definition of introvert, at least around me, and really doesnt get what I say to him via e-mail on a bunch of different levels. Make a lot of assumptions. Comes off as arrogant assuming he knows where everyone is coming from and the personal agendas and such. It would be interesting to know what he was going through emotionally in his life back when he e-mail me that I was temptation and was being driven by temptation. I felt kind of sad, looking back, that he really could not comprehend, or at least had never meant anyone, who said what they meant, meant what they said and was not necessarily looking to use him for his musical talent. Rather, someone who just wanted to be a friend with music as a common interest. Oh well, I, of course, am floored by the e-mail, but am glad to get any response and feel respected to get an honest e-mail as because of my personal emotional history, I would rather have the actual Truth, even if it hurts. I NEED GENUINE in my LIFE! If you are uncomfortable with me, for whatever reason, I would rather know, than for you to be someone you are not to please me for some reason-bad reason. There is never a good reason not to just be who you are. I had to survive enough of that in my childhood and with my current biological family. I was maxed out in this area and didnt need any more of that to deal with in my life. It is interesting making the transition from someone I know of to someone I know I little about from direct personal experience, even it is just being at morning mass and rosary in totally pews. I definitely do not, and wonder if I will ever, know him at all, but I do hope. The conflict lately though is in trying to complete the transition from him being an emotionally and now, in an odd way, physically, compartmentalized part of me, to a real person in daily life. So, for whatever reason, he seems to have extreme social anxiety, at least around me. In real life, he seems like a really nice guy. So, I do not he is consciously rejecting me, but the bottom line is who wont talk to me. Social anxiety example: I wanted to tell him what an incredible job he did at the Christmas concert, not only playing the music beautifully, but managing all the music and rehearsals he needed to do with all these different groups was amazing. I dont know what other people think, but he was CLEARLY the BACKBONE of the whole concert. The only time he got a break was for a few pieces where the groups had their own pianist. It was a little mind boggling for me, but I guess as a music prof and being the backbone of the pianist volunteers at SOTC, he just did it. I wonder if he even noticed how much sheet music and rehearsal time and just plain inter-musical??? communication that was needed from him, and others, but him uniquely. It came across as this is just standard fair for him. It was amazing. I was not really able to communicate all this because I felt like I was making him so uncomfortable by just talking with him at all. So, I just kept it simple. You did a great job at concert, dude. Okay. So back to the social anxiety example, I literally have to hang out leaning on a column several pews away from him and make sure he sees me before I even start to talk. If walk up any closer on him after church or where ever, he literally backs up on me which, of course, is a sign that I am invading a persons personal space circle. Whether it is some social anxiety with non-musical people, or just with me, or whatever, it does not matter. What matters for me is I take it personal in my heart, like he really, REALLY does not like me as a person in general. I am not saying this is accurate emotionally. In fact I think it is not the case at all. BUT, because he has been the compartmentalized musical part of me, for me without him knowing it, I take it really personal that he cant talk to me. It FEELS. Remember emotions are not necessarily rational, actually generally NOT rational as a whole. They just are. Yes. We were actually animals with gut instincts for no reasons, in order to survive a few billion years ago. So, it FEELS like that my book of music does not want to be checked back into my personal library. So, I get frustrated and get into the whole unanswerable Why? loops. Ugh. But, I think processing the distinctions in this post helps me see the emotional conflict there, helps me understand Why it feels like it does, when I just sense complete fear when I am around him in any fashion. I can check in that library book on music without connecting his human frailties as rejection of my personal artist. I have already checked in this book from a practical standpoint anyway. And, I need to break that impersonal connection with him being my compartmentalized music library with the actual person who has a NAME, not just the generic piano dude. Okay. I am letting it go. I am no longer making this connection. My book on music is already checked in. So, rejection isnt even a question to be asked. I am separating my music self from the human being of the one who carried it for me while I was away from it emotionally. This human, who I didnt even realize I had compartmentalized my musical self and artist, is a human being. He is an individual and is a broken human like the rest of us. We all just have different brokenness and some are better at functioning in day to day with their brokenness than others. I would REALLY REALLY REALLY like to just if he has ever read my Facebook page or any of the e-mails I sent to his personal e-mail, but I am letting that go now God. I gave it to You Lord at 7 pm adoration yesterday and today. Kim would like to know the above, but does not need to know it. One other thing, because I, personally, would rather more data or more options than I might need, I am going to e-mail Doc Browns number to the piano dude. Then, I am just going to freely release this data out to the universe, and hope no one ends reading this far, except him IF he even reads this at all. Whatever. Dr. Brown is in somewhat retirement mode so I dont want to put it on Facebook as I honestly dont know if he is taking on new patients. BUT, IF YOU CAN GET HIM, JUMP AT THE CHANCE! He is a prof of psychology at UH. Bottom line, he is outstanding on levels that I could not explain to anyone who has not had him for talk therapy. I am not saying anyone is crazy. This is the way I look at it. If I have a cold, I go to my GP doctor to antibiotics or whatever they tell me to do to get rid of the cold. Dr. Brown DOES NOT tell anyone what to do, but if I have a cold, especially if I feel I am in an emotional snowstorm or might be going into an emotional blizzard, like moving to Dallas for work, I go in to make very sure I am in tip top shape to ensure I have thought through the possibilities, tried to look at all the angles and make the best decision now, versus regretting my decisions, like getting married right out of college, later. The bigger the decision, the longer impact it could have on ones life.
Posted on: Sat, 24 Jan 2015 03:40:19 +0000
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