I used to be really vain. I dont know why, I have never really been a Looker(and that aint fishing for compliments!) I have been through many stages of life, as well as on many stages in life. But through my 30 odd years of having a pulse, a mirror or window reflection was like a magnet. But while most people stare in satisfaction, and others with disgust, I was spending hours and hours conversing and rehearsing. I would get lost in false characters, perfecting every syllable, repeating pronunciation till it was now a seperate being completely from myself. And then in a flash of a millisecond, that character would be gone. I could not recall or even be able to just bring it back out on command like an impersonation. I have never accounted a repeate faux persona, but I have a idiosyncratic skill that enables me to go on grand tangents right off the cuff. And this is going to sound completely nuts, but trust me on this: I can lie like nobodys business, but the truth is, I have contempt from my venomous prose that I dont necessarily confess, but am quick to say; I was just joking, or try taking the edge off of the damage I could easily commit by over-exaggerating to the point were my soon to be victim is now in on my bullshit. I call it believable untruth! OK, maybe that was a bit too honest for my comfort, so lets scale back a little. The Characters I would create when I was younger would disapear, but I would sort of subconsciously store them, and through my life I would pick at them. Like a Vulture scavenging among the unfortunate. I have had uncountable nights weighing the scales of pros vs. cons concerning this blessing or curse I hold burning on my tongue. Either way, I know this, I have to cradle this burden because of everything in my existence, the times it has truely saved my life, and the utter shame it has ferociously and consistantly pierced into me, this thing of mine, will always and forever, be there for me. The past tense affliction that had consumed me, has now turned into nothing but a theory of who I am. I can not look at myself in the mirror anymore. I dont think I have ever been able to look at myself.
Posted on: Sat, 11 Oct 2014 00:31:44 +0000
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