I wake with a start. The start of what? My heart? My mind tears itself apart. “What is it” I whisper, nervous, confused. Something on the horizon of my thoughts. An itch? A glitch? No it’s more than that. An ache? I shake. Why am I awake? Please give me a break. Is it a ponder I wonder? Yes, that’s it. Phew. Calm. Now sleep. But. Always but. Why do I ponder so much so late? Why must my mind when in a restful state, suddenly decide to deliberate? contemplate? hesitate? What could it be? Why am I giving myself this third degree? I wander around the darkness of my thoughts, I think of everything Ive ever done from the moment my memories began to form as a small child to the things I did today as a man. My mind skips right past the present day and deep into the future and I worry about what mistakes I will make again. But why? What is that worry? What is this fret? Is it a threat? A debt? Or a regret? I forget. I close my eyes with a creak of force, my traitor brain like a trojan horse, my thoughts are lost inside other thought and I lay, once more enveloped by the darkness and noiselessness of this winter night. But that itch in my brain I cannot forsake. “What is it? I scream inside my head, why must you keep me awake?”. My mind heaves and lurches, winds and weaves. What is it, what does it perceive? what does it believe? “I need sleep”. I snap. Relieved. Was that out loud? The ominous rumble from a distant cloud. It’s all I hear, it breaks the silence, as I lay awake again, and contemplate violence. “Please, tell me what I’ve done wrong I beg so I can sleep, sleep in my bed?” A memory springs forward, I hear laughter and play; my children swarm round me, they dance and they sway. My smile threatens to rip my face, these tiny creatures I must embrace; as I remember a moment when we wandered from school, they held my hands, my hands felt full of jewels. Their tiny faces, 50% me; their beautiful voices, carless and free, the green of their uniform.... Oh bollocks. That’s it, I’ve forgot to wash their fecking uniforms!!! FML!
Posted on: Tue, 21 Jan 2014 02:31:27 +0000
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