I was able to go to Long John Silvers tonight. I like their fish. I always have to request cocktail sauce. I guess nowadays you have to request all condiments because there wasnt even any of that nasty tarter sauce in there. Cocktail sauce and i have a history. If I use it on anything I pay for it later in the form of horrible heartburn. I dont take reflux medicine due to the side effects that i get. However I usually have tums or rolaids on me to counter the heartburn so that i can indulge in those few bites of fried fish covered in cocktail sauce. Not tonight. Amandas pain pump begin beeping at 130 am and woke us both up. She was very confused as she thought it was time to get up and do something or go somewhere. The nurse and I assured her that it was ok and she could relax. With a kiss on the forehead she laid back and now she sleeps. Thats was easy right? It was. Whats not easy and whats weighing on my heart right now is not what the disease has done to her body, we all know what cancer does to a body, its what it has done to her mind. If she were not on the pain pump and the other meds they push through to her things would be infinitely worse. Worse than thanksgiving day and worse than our worse day here. However, through all of this her mind was the one thing that stayed on track. Heck, she would be in chemo working on her doctorate, planning for Braedens IEP, telling me what I needed for Elis 100th day of school project and still working on her doctorate studies because her mind was crisp, sharp and literally working more than it ever had. Thats no longer the case. Its so hard writing these things when shes right here beside me in this bed. I feel guilty. I feel ashamed. I feel like Im giving up and not giving her a chance to defend herself. I know thats not the case though. I then visualize my tall, blonde, beautiful babe standing beside me as she always has and saying it ok as she puts her hand through my hair. I hear her telling me to put my big girl panties on!! I hear her say what she has said to me for nearly 18 years and thats lets live through it. So this early AM Ill suffer with my heartburn because i asked for the cocktail sauce. But where are Amanda s rolaids and where are her tums? Where is the relief for her mind? N.
Posted on: Mon, 08 Dec 2014 08:47:05 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015