I was only ever a fair weather friend, but it wasnt because that was what I wanted to be—it is what I was forced to be. I HATE the idea of fair weather friends. And the idea that I could ever be one, even when forced, sickens me and makes me feel ill. I couldnt repay kindness, because I could not serve, and I could not ever provide or even offer assistance, because it was annoying. I was worthless, in EVERY sense of the word. What does it matter if I mattered in some vague way, if I was USELESS? I dont like being in anyones debt. I REFUSE to owe people for their kindness. If I cannot assist, then I would also reject assistance. I dont keep any meaningful sort of debt record for the ones Id serve. When its done, its done, and the record is wiped clean unless there is some special consideration. But I ALWAYS keep a record for myself. It may not be an exact tally, but I generally know who I owe, as well as the general magnitude of the debt. I dont want to be a sympathy pet. I refuse to allow someone to be my friend if I cant be theirs. But, heres a neat trick: Im reclassifying upward. What would have been considered acquaintances are now considered friends, and friends close friends. Those Id have considered strangers I exchange greetings with are also now acquaintances. Its one thing to spend time with a person to just have fun together—the exchange happens immediately and is roughly fair if both parties are enjoying themselves equally. Its another to be someones only friend. The debt I incur by allowing anyone to serve that role is absolutely enormous. There is NO way for such a relationship to be even REMOTELY even if there is no way for me to serve. I could never serve. I was never allowed to serve in any capacity. I dont care if they didnt acknowledge that I was a burden. I KNOW I was one. I know my debt is astronomical in scale. I cant allow them to make my debt any larger. I cant owe anyone that much amd survive with that much guilt and shame. The only thing I can do is release them from their perceived moral obligation. They may have been my friend, my best friend. But I was NEVER theirs. By their definition I may have been a friend, but it is infinitely clear to me now that the word means something vastly different to us. To them, in my terms, all I ever was was a human commodity and playmate, and sometimes perhaps a convenient sounding board for miscellaneous miscellany. To me, in my terms, they were like a sister and friend and also occasional activity and conversation partner, and such. They were someone whose worries worried me, and successes brought me joy, and whose fears caused me fear. To an extent, but a much lesser extent, this is true for most people if I attempt to activate empathy. But not to that extent. For a stranger, it is a very limited sort of distress or happiness. The emotional contagion has limited effects. It doesnt matter, though. I have a mental and emotional block in place. I didnt put it there intentionally, but there is now an immense sort of pressure, like a wall but not a wall, blocking me from feeling that same kind of attachment that I felt. I know theres something there, but I cant seem to look directly at it, or walk toward it, or listen to it, or even know what it is. If I try to I get pushed away forcefully, as if knocked back by a sudden violent gust of intense wind. I didnt try to put it in place. But it seems as if my survival drive has decided for me that I can no longer afford to continue accruing such immense debt, and that, no matter how much I wish to stay, this time, I cannot be allowed to continue being a burden. It is no longer a moral imperative that I can ignore, but one that I must finally follow through on, as well as one that I will now be able to, because they too seem to have become willing to acknowledge, at least to themselves, that being my friend is an extreme burden. To them it hasnt even been a week. But to me it has been several lifetimes—with my having died and come back, died and come back again, and finally dying one more time, as I oscillate between wanting to stay just a little longer, and knowing that if I dont leave on my own, I will be expelled anyway, the level of my burden on them having finally reached critical mass. At least by leaving on my own I can allow them a clear conscience. I would posit that it doesnt matter how Im dealt with, since I know my own worth, but they would never and could never understand that, and have never understood that. And since they cant understand that, Im forced to walk away on my own, rather than have them be able to do whats right for them and thus be empowered. If that little bit of empowerment is not something I can grant them, then at least perhaps a clear conscience is something I can enable for this situation. I wish people cared enough about themselves to get rid of me. It pains me to see how people value themselves so very poorly. People need to have more self-esteem and value themselves more, so that they can have the will to do whats right for them when they really need to. But they dont. No one ever does, or at least not often.
Posted on: Mon, 12 Jan 2015 08:38:51 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015