I was putting on a good face. I couldn’t hold on for much longer. It was going to catch up with me. I looked to my left and saw the downed tree. It was broken about midway up and the top was still attached at the break. I had been walking through a wind-damaged area that had a bad storm about mid June. I walked past the downed tree just a few steps and stopped. I looked back over my left shoulder. The exposed damaged part of the tree was multicolored. The tree was a different type than what I had been seeing for the last 3 months. This was a western tree. I wanted to get a closer look. There was a slight depression in the grass at the side of the road. A very shallow ditch that the landowner kept mowed. All I had to do was walk down the very gentle grade and up the other side to get to the tree. No long grass. No rocks or large branches. It was just short harmless grass. I hesitated. Noticing that I hesitated brought on more of what I had been fearful of for the past 4 days. I was getting better at dealing with fear. So many situations I had encountered on this walk and had made it through them, that the repetition of dealing with adversity was making me confident. This was different. The fear set in again. I had experienced something that could end my walk, something that could change my life. There were times on my walk that I felt so youthful that I had to check myself. The feeling of invincibility. I was walking across America and had made it halfway. I was accustomed to the road and was confident in my decisions. Again, I was being humbled. I walked towards the downed tree. I stepped onto the grass and continued down the slope and up the other side. There were torn and shredded pieces of trunk right in front of me at arms length. I reached out and tore off a piece the sized of a ruler. I brought it up to my nose and smelled it. It was cedar and it smelled incredible. I breathed it in again, longer and deeper. I turned around and took a step towards the road and my cart. There it was. It struck me again and the fear came back. I forgot about the cedar and just kept walking. I stepped behind my cart and started pushing towards the next town. Several days before I was pushing down the highway. It was sunny and pleasant. I needed to take care of some business so I was looking for a place on the side of the road that was well hidden and accessible. I looked on the right side of the road and there was an embankment with a big tree at the bottom. It was long grass and looked perfect. Taking care of business like this was routine and I didn’t think much of it. It was just part of my life now. I started down the embankment. It was steeper than I had anticipated. As I got closer to the bottom, it started to become uneven. I kept my pace and then decided to go faster, being so close to the bottom I could just run it out. I got to the bottom where the ground became slippery. I slipped and raised both of my arms out to the side, trying to keep my balance. It didn’t work. As I fell backwards, I tried to save the fall with my arms and hands doing the double windmill. I fell rather softly. It was not a hard fall at all. I felt the pain shoot up my back. It was the kind of pain that makes it hard to breath. I clenched my jaw and tightened my throat muscles trying to suppress the pain. I took care of business and climbed back up to the road. At the top I crossed the road and made it to the cart. I laid my head down on my arms after I put them on the handle of my cart. I was staring down at the pavement. I had walked across the road and made it this far. I would just walk it off. So I started pushing west. As I pushed the pain intensified. I took a few Tylenol and a lot of Ibuprofen. It turned into a dull companion that kept me company. Kept reminding me this walk could end at any moment. Kept tugging at my pant leg when my mind would wander from the pain. Kept reminding me this walk was a rather foolish thing to attempt. Kept reminding me I still had about 1500 miles to go. Kept reminding me that I was already at my limit most of the time. Kept reminding me that it might beat me. I’ve had a back injury before, but nothing major requiring surgery, but also not as severe as this. I couldn’t bend down to tie my shoe. I couldn’t lean over to reach into my cart. I couldn’t sit up and stretch forward to zip up my sleeping bag. I had to first get to my hands and knees before I could stand up. It was now my new normal. After smelling the cedar strip, I walked a short distance and decided to do a video. I was getting close to a small town and the cedar smelled amazing. I felt good about making it to the end of highway 136, which I had been on for hundreds of miles. I took out my phone and shot the video. The entire time doing the video, I was thinking about my back. The words coming out of my mouth seemed to come from another speaker. I was putting on a good face. I couldn’t hold on for much longer. It was going to catch up with me. I felt defeated. My back injury was winning. . In fact I didn’t intend to mention my back in the video. But yet I did, right at the end. I later reviewed the video and could see and hear the conflict I was trying to cover up. I had pushed through some tough times. Nights when there was nowhere to sleep, but I was able to manage. Days of bitter cold and oppressive heat. Times of incredible fatigue, loneliness, and being disconnected. This was different. I was taking so many Tylenol and Ibuprofen, I had lost count. They weren’t helping anymore. I was at the end of my will to push. A Road Angel had offered to get me a room in Arapahoe, NE. I was beaten down and could only think of lying down on a bed to relieve the pressure on my back. It made the 5-hour walk to town a self-imposed misery. I could see the water tower of the town. I usually saw the water tower 5 to 10 miles from town. It made the walk even longer. I tried to push the pain away. It only made it worse. I tried to fight it and purposely bent over and retied my shoe like my back wasn’t injured. The pain was intense and I tried to just let myself experience it. I was only kidding myself. Nothing worked. It was winning. I pushed into town. There was a store at the edge. I walked in to pick up any supplies I might need. As I walked through the store, I felt like I was sick. Like I had the flu. Like I had a fever. The lighting was weird. It seemed like there was a buzzing noise coming from somewhere. There was a metallic taste in my mouth. I grabbed some supplies. When I checked out, the clerks voice didn’t match the movement of her mouth. I needed some rest. I went to a motel. I got the room taken care of and went in and laid down. It’s an older room with cracked linoleum in the bathroom. The smell of oldness was heavy. The plug in for the lamp was round and brown. I felt entirely comfortable. I checked in on a Friday after walking 16 miles. I woke up Saturday without any improvement in my back. Why did I think I could actually walk across America? I have a bad knee. I knew that. I had been dealing with it. I knew how to live with it. Other than my knee, I had no other physical problems that would prohibit my walk. I now had a serious back injury. I pulled the curtains on the room. I turned on the T.V. It was a big box type with a round screen. I sunk into a dark place and was uncertain of what to do. I could barely get into and out of bed. The Road Angel got me a room for another night. I left the room once that day. I walked over to a gas station and went in for a cup of ice. When I was inside, there was a girl on the floor and two store clerks were on each side of her. She had just had a seizure. I asked if I could do anything and the manager said to get the door for the paramedics when they arrive. I was in a daze. It was really bright for me after being in the room all day. I still had the flu feeling and here was someone who had just had a seizure. It was like a dream. I stood at the door waiting for the ambulance to arrive. Customers came and went. They bought stuff like cigarettes, soda, beer, donuts, etc. I felt more disconnected than I ever had. I should have been walking west. I had a room for that night, Saturday night, and my back was still bothering me. I was waiting at the door for the paramedics. They pushed the gurney out the door and loaded her into the ambulance. They said they were taking her to Cambridge. They left and the parking lot was empty. I stepped out and walked across the street. My lower back nagging at me every time I took a step. I went into my room and into bed. I woke up and my back felt much better. I guess the bed was helping. As I proceeded to get my gear together and gather up, my back pain returned. I had a decision to make. Stay another night without any surety of my back becoming bearable or just push on. I didn’t want any more rooms gifted to me. I was feeling like I was beaten down. I had let this back problem get the better of me. I needed to take care of this on my own. I paid for another night. It was mid Sunday morning. I pulled the curtains and laid in the dark. I thought. I thought some more. I thought about what my back injury meant to my walk. I could walk. It was just very painful. I could tie my shoe, I just had to pull my foot up to my knee while standing to do it. I could zip up my sleeping bag, I just needed to do it slowly and methodically. I got out of bed and kept my back straight. A little pain but not too bad. I took a shower and went through my gear. Always keeping my back straight and not stressing it. I went for a walk to the store at the other end of town. I splurged and bought some canned ravioli along with the staples (peanut butter, jam, pop-tarts, Gatorade). I walked back to the room. The pain was still there but I could deal with it. I realized I could still do this; I just had to work around my back. I decided I was not going to try and push it away. I was not going to let it consume me either. I was going to just let it be and work around it. I was going to walk to the Pacific Ocean because I can. I was going to keep going. I’m pushing west this morning from Arapahoe, NE. Hoping to make 20 miles today. I’m on Colorado’s doorstep with 6 more days to the border. I have enough supplies for 3 days. I paid my phone bill and others bills from back home and it severely cut into my budget. I’m looking forward to seeing how I can make it without knowing how I’m going to get resupplied. It always seems to work out. Road Angels are everywhere. I sure like the smell of cedar. I’m keeping that strip of wood in my cart. Hope you’re all doing well. Life is good.
Posted on: Mon, 21 Jul 2014 13:09:00 +0000
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