I was reading through some of my old journals today. And to see how far I have come in a short time is crazy. Its been four years since I was with that man. ....... Heres my journal...... As I sit here I began to wonder about my life... Why I have gone through the things I have... How people are quick to judge, however have no true understanding. They ask, why did you stay? There is no real way to answer that question. I loved a man who put hands on me. I loved him more then I loved myself. The tears that fall down my face are those of true pain. I tell myself that I kept myself there for our children, but there were many other reasons, memories of the good times, the moments of happiness, even though small they meant the world to me. Although now looking back I let a man steal my whole self. I lost myself a long time ago. I often ask myself will I ever be able to love as strongly as I once did. (Yes) I need to learn to love myself again. To feel trust within my own heart. Ive made it hard for others to love me because of the fear of being hurt. Left. Broken. Torn. I remember the feeling of being broken like it was yesterday. And wondering where do I begin ? I remember how hard it was to wake up everyday, to wish death upon myself. How badly I wanted to die!!! Just to make the pain go away. It felt as though the world had stopped moving. My children torn from me. Left alone. My world was dark, and I was alone. I was scared to move forward, I was scared to live. I can still remember every single hit and how it felt. I cant remember how blood tasted in my mouth, how his fist felt when it made contact with my face, or any part of my body. How his foot stomped on me right after we lost our baby. (My baby) I remember the Vicks ... He held me down , put Vicks in my eyes nose and mouth! I couldnt see, it burned. I couldnt breathe! And he wouldnt let me up! I still remember how it taste. It was maybe a month later when he said a pillow wont leave marks he beat me! Till I blocked the pillow and the ring on my finger hit my eye lid and it busted open! When he seen blood he freaked! I had a black eye. Theres so many things I can write about... Stories that I feel I should share, but I am not yet strong enough to. I have eight years of abuse I could tell you about! And two years of good! I raised his two children as though they were my own. Till this day their pictures hang on my wall, and I miss them everyday. How do you over come such pain? How do you explain your pain to other people? When they have no real way of understanding? I put a smile on, but my eyes speak the truth. Such sadness I carry within, I feel as though I am dying on the inside! I am screaming for help and no one hears me. I tell myself to go back to church! Talk with God. I lost my faith a long time ago. I was mad at God. Although I do still pray, I still find myself mad. I walk through life everyday for just that, its another day. I dont know how else to live. Yet I still blame myself everyday. Panic attacks.... Anxiety...... Hatred.... Depression....!?!?! All for what?!?! Because I loved someone ... Who never loved me.
Posted on: Thu, 23 Oct 2014 02:56:58 +0000
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