I was recently asked if neckbeards only address women as Mlady. This was a question derived from a meme that went around recently. Clearly there are questions about neckbeards, and here art thou answers: 1. Are neckbeards funny? Hell yes!!! Neckbeards are funnier than Louis CK, Melissa McCarthy and Daniel Day Lewis combined! I know what you’re thinking… “Wait a minute, Shane. Daniel Day Lewis isn’t funny.” I know. That’s what makes it hilarious. 2. Is being called “Neckbeard” funny? Hmmm. Less so. Being called anything in a pointed way usually means that you are being mocked for your differences. This usually leads to the question “Why not just shave it off?” We’ll get there, don’t worry. The truth is that having your identity be completely dismissed and then replaced by a word that is intended to belittle is not anything new to me. You see, in addition to being a “neckbeard” I am also “fat”. I get called that a lot too. It’s strange because these are both obvious statements… they are true statements. By themselves they are not hurtful in any way… they are facts. Hurt comes from the intent behind the words… hurt comes from the person who is trying to hurt. Am I hurt in this case? Not really. All of us are judged every day of our lives… if it’s not an obvious thing like our looks then it’s something invisible… our jobs, our cars, our drinking habits, our attitudes or intellects. Everyone is self conscious about something… it’s just harder to get away with publicly calling someone “Shitty car” or “Poor attitude and impatient with others”. If people took a moment to remember how it feels when they are being judged or made fun of they might be less inclined to so readily point their fingers at others. Sadly, those afflicted with a sense of entitlement or a superiority complex will have to contend with those conditions until they realize how alone they’ve made themselves. 3. Do neckbeards grant any special powers? Of course not… don’t be daft. ;) (Actually a neckbeard is much like an angler fish in that we lure in our prey with our awesome neckbeards, and just as people reach out to touch it we gobble them up.) 4. Why don’t you just shave it off? A couple of answers for this - Number one… because I shouldn’t have to. Cut to me dropping the mic and walking off stage, while giving double devil signs as the auditorium explodes into a thunderous standing ovation, and unneckbearded men sheepishly put their hands to their necks trying to cover up their lack of awesome. Number two(and obviously the more honest answer), is that beneath this neckbeard is a layer of subcutaneous fat that takes the word unflattering to it’s maximum potential. If you wanted to experience true nastiness and savage cruelty we need go no further than the nearest barber. I’ll happily take neckbeard over the host of other things I’ve been called in my life without it. 5. How does one get to know a neckbeard? There are a few schools of thought on this, but the most common and effective approach is a friendly “hello”. There has been a massive decline in the belief that tranquilizer guns and zoo imprisonment are the better method… this approach is generally considered rude. 6. Can hate reach you behind your wall of neckbeard? Yes. I am not a fine physical specimen. A fact now so well established that you may return to your top model marathon unimpeded. I have awful days. Those who’ve intended to hurt me… you will never have to doubt how perfectly you’ve wounded me. Luckily… love can reach me too. To the beautiful friends and fans who have sewn me back together so many times like an old teddy bear that they refuse to let go… I offer you my deepest and truest thanks. You’ve taught me the difference between pretty and beautiful. Pretty is a lie designed to sell you something ugly. Beautiful is a feeling that people give you to see you happy. 7. Are neckbeards dirty? Like some politicians some neckbeards are dirty. This comes down to the individual. I wash and condition mine every two days. Sadly, shampoo will not save you from dirty politicians. 8. What do neckbeards feel like? Like nothing else on Earth… go ahead… touch it. 9. Do neckbeards actually say “M’lady”? Yes, but never to women. Only to men… and it’s only to slight those men when they are about to execute us. We’re cheeky that way. Are you ready to die? Sure am... Mlady. 10. Are neckbeards hereditary? No. Neckbeards are a choice. The lesson that’s been beaten into me since day one is that people will always find the thing that sets you apart and attack that thing. Don’t despair… there is an upside to this behavior. This is when the façade falls away and people finally reveal themselves... and not just to me… to everyone. We can then make the choice if this is the kind of person we want to let into our lives…. we make our own judgments… in the end we all make judgments about others. In the end we all have our own definitions of beauty.
Posted on: Wed, 12 Mar 2014 17:54:29 +0000
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