I was watching a television show last night with footage of the funeral of a teenager. I guess Ill never be able to watch anything like that without getting all misty again. Josh has been in Heaven 15 years now. I try not to post anything about it on the actual anniversary date because its also my surviving sons birthday. I dont want him to always associate his birthday with his brothers death, although Im sure itd be hard not to do it. We drove down to T-town & spent the day as a family. We checked out his awesome new house. We ate at Matts favorite Chinese restaurant there. We went bowling until all of our fingers were falling off. It was a wonderful day. When Matt was out to sea or living way off, Id always take the day to do something fun...usually with Crystal. Sometimes wed go to see a movie. Sometimes wed get our nails done. Sometimes wed go shopping. Its what I figure Josh wouldve wanted us to do to celebrate the number of years hes been in Heaven. I know Josh wouldnt want us to be sad, so I always try to stay happy on that day. I found that it came more easily the more I did it. To begin with, I had to put a conscious effort into it. The year Matt turned 16, I was so nervous about him getting his license & actually growing up & driving without me that I didnt have time to force myself to be happy. We just celebrated him getting his license. I didnt even realize that I wasnt miserable that day until later on. It was proof that my hypothesis held true...try to make yourself happy, & eventually you will be. The sadness of losing Josh is still there...I still cant go to his grave. I just cant. The pain of losing him is still too raw when I go there. I choose not to steep in the pain anymore. I still talk about him often, but I try to talk about his life, not his death. I dont feel uncomfortable when people ask me about it. I will talk about it if asked. I may cry. I may be able to make it through the conversation without crying. Either way is fine with me. If telling people my story will help them, I do it. People need to know that they can survive the pain. It comes & goes at odd times. People can believe whatever they will about an afterlife, but I KNOW that Josh is in Heaven. I KNOW that Ill see him again. I KNOW that I get little Post-It notes from him from Heaven. For years, I had worried that it hurt him when he died, even though his death was instantaneous. It made me sick to think that he was lying there in agony but wasnt able to communicate it to us. Several years ago, I dreamed that I was picking him up from school & he was worried that he was going to have to get a bunch of new vaccinations because he had been dead. Why I would dream this, I dont know, but it IS a dream, after all. He hated shots, & he was worried about how bad theyd hurt. I said, Josh, you remember when you died? For as long as either one of us lives, nothing will ever hurt us as bad as it did when you died! He said, But Mom, it didnt hurt when I died! That was exactly the moment that I woke up. I was taking in a deep breath for a good cry & realized...HEY, IT DIDNT HURT WHEN HE DIED! I never worried about it again. I still get sad about losing my boys at times, especially around their birthdays, holidays & the dates they met Jesus face to face. It tends to hit me in the face a few days after the anniversaries...probably because I make a conscious effort to do positive things on those days. I let my guard down & let the pain wash over me & put it back on the shelf until the next go-round. As a psych nurse, this may not be the textbook way to deal with it, but its what works for me. Im pretty functional, given everything that has happened. Im still terrified of anything happening to people that I love. Im forever thinking about the worst case scenario. However, I do know that it couldve been worse. My kids deaths were about as painless as possible. I didnt have to watch them suffer. Nobody purposefully hurt them. I have the comfort of knowing that both of them are in Heaven. I know that they both died knowing that I love them. I dont have the guilt of not being there for them growing up...they probably got tired of me hovering...lol. A lot of people dont have that. Their child might have died a tragic death. Their child might have suffered. Im happy to know that these 15 years Ive spent without Josh & David here in body (& however many more before I go to see them) will seem like a split second compared to the time I get to spend with them in Heaven. So Im wishing a belated happy heavenly birthday to my oldest son. I miss your red hair, your silly jokes, your funny faces, your smile, your laughter, your adorable dimples & freckles that you hated, your happy-go-lucky attitude. I wouldve loved to have had more time here with you, but then again, I never wouldve wanted to give you up. I wish you couldve gone fishing with Rob. I wish you couldve met his girls. I wish you couldve been here to spoil Riley & Ryker. I wish I wouldve had the chance to spoil your babies. I wish you could be here to see what an amazing man your brother has grown up to be. Im sure youd be ragging him about something...lol. I wish you wouldve been here with Crystal....I dont know if Matts big brother threats about boys were effective enough...lol. I miss everything about you, but I bet its a lot more fun where you are. PS: Please quit dropping cats off on your family members. Also, quit using your influence to affect the score on Auburn games...lol. I know youre probably wreaking havoc up there & making Jesus laugh all the time. I love you, Joshie Poo!
Posted on: Mon, 14 Jul 2014 15:48:31 +0000
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