I wish I had a happy post to encourage people. I was reluctant to even post today but I guess I will. From the time that we hit the beach I was overcome with sadness. I feel like Im trapped in sadness and depression I feel anxious and I have had to take my nerve pills often. I had got to the point that I never took them much at all but now I feel as if I have fallen backward in my grief process. On August 6th it will be 10 months that this nightmare started. On August 18 Coleman would have started his first year of high school. On September 11 I will have my first birthday with out my baby since he was born. On October 22 it will be a year since we had to say goodbye for now. All of this is just about to get to me. I cry everyday I hurt from deep inside my soul and it seems that time is not my friend. I dont know if I can make it one more day every night when I go to bed I wonder if I can make it one more day. I try to hide it from everyone especially my kids and Craig. I try to pretend Im doing fine but Im not. I cry so hard I cant breathe. I can barely function. I have made myself workout a little then I go home and get in my bed and cry and stay alone. Its a lonely place here. Im tired emotionally and spiritually. I feel like Im being pulled back into the feelings I had when Coleman was sick, when I had to watch him fade away from us and when we had to let him go. I hate this cause I want with all my heat to be happy and enjoy my sweet boys Caleb and Clay and my husband. I wish that fall could bring excitement and joy to me like it did before all of this happen. I dont think it will bring anything but depression because the beach use to meek me so happy deep in my soul but now it just makes me hurt and sad deep inside. Everything hurts so much. Sorry to be such a joy killer but this is where I am right now. Craigs leg needs prayer he will go back to the Dr Friday and we need a good report. Not sure we will get one. He needs to get to go back to work soon, but probably wont get to for another month. I really an trying to trust God but Im so broken!! Colemans mom
Posted on: Thu, 31 Jul 2014 01:44:51 +0000
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