I worked hard this weekend on the book... I have sketched out some of the designs that I have been incubating and trying to figure out how I was going to put the concepts out in a tangible concrete way as I attempt to weave myself through the process of both artistic design and language. I also worked on and completed work on two photo album storybooks for my granddaughter to help her place all of us into the center of her life with love that is two way. They turned out beautiful and I cant wait for her to have them. I feel like I have so much time to catch up on with her since she joined our family at age 5. As I was marking the memories out for her, I was so overwhelmed with love for her. Those of you who know me know my love for children is intense... but I have only experienced love this intense x4 before this... 3x as I held my own babies... 1x when I was working at the orphanage in Guyana South America with a little girl named Renecia who I knew inside of me she was suppose to be mine, but the laws in Guyana would not let that happen. My heart still breaks because I couldnt bring her home with me. This feeling has overtaken me with my granddaughter. There is nothing that I wouldnt do for this wee one. And I laugh because I would walk through fire in most cases for any child... But oh man, stealer of hearts that is what this one is for me! There has been lots of looking into the rearview mirror in life as I prepare to move forward in the weeks ahead. I have let go of so much with more things to release in the next several weeks. My friend Pam said that she wants my living room furniture but said that she wont take it if she cant pay for them... Odd to me since I am just donating everything to charity and a domestic violence shelter. Time to pay the whole lot forward and walk away with a heartful of gratitude for the gifts of it all. I have been given treasures of a lifetime! I am so grateful! I continue to heal. The journey has been and up and down one as I look for my resiliency at times. I wonder in what ways my life will fill as I let go of everything that I have held so tightly. Stuff is just stuff, but I have had to release some relationships as well not because I have wanted to but because they insisted to go and who am I to argue that? :) It they are meant they will come back and if not I send them with a heart of love and blessings, and continued prayers. I see my therapist again tomorrow. Funny how that makes me breathe in and breathe out deeply. I am not sure what that means exactly. I have been grieving so much... In the history of my story grief, sadness, and many other feelings would cause me to batten down my hatches and isolate. I havent done that this time, progress... Instead of running and thinking that I will do it myself, I havent abandon me in my process this time. This is a good thing. Instead of falling apart alone, I have relied on the support of all of you in my family and friend groups, and even on this blog which has been so helpful to state the rawness of it all so that it can heal. My torn disc is still causing fits in many ways. I cant get up and down off the floor very easily. I have trouble with sitting or holding a position for any length of time. I get frustrated because I have things to do so that I can move... the foreclosure is breathing warmly on my neck now, though nothing has happened to say move yet. It is funny because sometimes things happen to make you look in instead of going and doing to push through... first it was the cancer, and now it is a tear in my disc. That is real funny Mr. Universe... haha... My kids keep telling me that it is not my worry that they will get it all done when the time is right. So... I am back to breathing lessons. :) When there is no reason to control anything then it is time to just let go... I am learning a lot about letting go of people, things, and dreams right now. Life is funny... It takes you where it is best for you to go, not always the places youd think youd go too... So breathe in peace... breathe out love.... and wait patiently sitting in joy for the unfolding to happen of the tapestry of a story that has yet to be written... And bless it with love and light... because every minute we are here is a blessed event. Marshmallow Hugs
Posted on: Mon, 08 Sep 2014 05:08:09 +0000
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