I wrote a letter to myself that I would place in my red box. ~~~~Fragments of an Untold Story~~~~~~ I was born alone. Who Isn’t A single child from the womb Only child I was… Only child I still am Had to stand up for myself, defend myself, and protect myself But so I thought I was doing.. but God fights all my battles So who am I fooling? Sometimes I still find myself in the busyness of fighting for myself.. Always Thinking I could protect myself.. I used to beat my deceased grandmothers dasheen leaves And pretend I was a primary school teacher. This fire raging inside me, a powerful servant, but proves to be a feeble master. I beg not to be enslaved by the power of rage. Only though if that my life would be different. Somehow changed… But then I would not be me.. laughs who would I be then? Silly me….Always thinking that I could defeat destiny.. Never living to impress this society. I did everything alone.. Studied for exams, wrote exams, passed exams. Alone.. Wrote scripts, did acts, dramatized, make jokes, made people laugh Alone.. Mom was never there, she had to depart to another land The day I wrote common entrance, Scoffs, Children’s parents sat outside the exam Me… I did my thing… went through.. pass my thing… Again.. Alone. Before that.. my now decreased grandfather passed I watched him die before my eyes I did not cry I was 9 years old at the time. I passed common entrance at 10. While dying he could not speak but he squeezed my hand I watched him die, and I closed down his eyes And straightened his body just like I saw in the movies I believed that when he held my hand tightly we shared the most potent moment that speech could not conquer. His voice was gone, his jaw was locked, he was dying. He did not want to surrender.. typical Leo.. Born Fighter I sooo adored my grandfather Valentine Taylor. But his grip told me.. My blessing is upon you, go out in life and be a good girl. Make me proud. His funeral, my first funeral ever attended. I dared not cry. Because an inner peace was sweeping me, my grandpa was the only one in my family that showed true love to me. He led a good life and now he was gone. So why the hell would I waste tears for. Always different, and defiant From a child. People would think I am mad But Jamal defined it as “thinking with a difference” My best friend Jamal Blackette gave me that quote We met each other in Southern Academy.. yeah that Adventist School. Laughs.. memories ent and more faded moments. Before him I had a better friend, her name was Karissa Martin We used to sing the spice girls song.. Best Friends Forever And spin around in circles and hold hands While in Primary School. And she had a broken arm that never healed well Just like the character Jem from my favourite book. To kill a mocking Bird. But time changes and the struggles of life are always real People grow up, and get mature And forget all the childish things they used to feel But my inner child forever lives It NEVER DIED I never killed it. It is because of My Inner Child the Caged Bird Remembers To Sing. It is because of her I still have that thing called feelings.. Feelings sometimes I find it to be a stupid thing. But people I have granted the call my best friends always forget and move on. And up to now I laugh so heartily from the depths of my soul. Laughter is my comfort… Laughter.. Not control I came on this earth to share it But the bitter people cannot stand it, They say D you laugh too, much, laugh too loud and you smile too often. Their annihilated inner child, and always serious and then they wonder why they end up in the asylums For me to take care of them! Ha! but they call me the mad one. I Smile because I know better. I was nothing but a loner, but I thought somehow life would change for me. Me again thinking I am super woman always fighting against destiny From foster parents, to adoption, being exposed to different cultures and religions. In all the bad people I met, I met good people too, but the good I met was quite scarce. Few people did a Good deed without an ulterior motive. Few people did a Good deed without a True Motive. Nonsense ...now... I look back at and laugh. I question what really is Good?.. Every one wants to define their life by that term. I shaked my head at their fallacies, Because children do the most scary thing They Grow Up. From Psychiatric nursing In St Ann’s, and meeting Sheldon Lewis the bestest friend a best friend could ever have. *smile* From promotional modelling, to working for a lawyer who owned a clothes store.. and that clothes store expanded with time. Leaving them a worker and entering as a shopper, flashing my bank card stepping with style. hmmmm the Transitions of Time. To working at the Ministry of Finance.. Meeting Leona and Milly.. Taking photos all over hmmm.. and dancing all over the government floors and acting all silly. Always inveigling them to do some silly spontaneous thing. Yeah me thats me.. always.. Being Me. Then I left and long after and Milly went to live in another country. Where Milly could Just be Milly.. duhhhh.. BE YOU Milly.. one of the realest persons I ever met. With the purest heart taking no time to judge anyone. From getting that job in Intercommercial bank, the job I always thought I wanted, in the bank I always dreamed of working it. Laughs but I was already was a fully enrolled freshman in USC. The Seventh Day Adventist University. From interviewing the British High Commission of Trinidad and Tobago, one of the most humble and highly esteemed men I ever met. Then within and after that time, meeting so much people with PhDs, professors, layers, doctors, senators, lectures, radio presenters, news anchors and these people with all this so called education, looking and behaving SO SIMPLE, SOO NORMAL... I declare this world TRULY UPSIDE DOWN.. With causal people who walking around with NOTHING and a LITTLE SMALL POSITION acting like THEY BETTER SOMEBODY OR SOMETHING. Some of them not even working NO WHERE.. they studying.. and I think they mother minding them.. But they better than people.. This thing.. they call Human Living. And then I met Julien who was also judged and misunderstood Just like me. Some of our compatibility was based on our non-conformist attitudes. And he proves to be a friend. That I think truly cares. There was always church always in between Because being baptized as a Seven Day Adventist The far best decision I made I chose to listen to what God spoke loudly to me. But in church too I was also lonely. Again I would hear ALL who LOVE to TALK Because their face is granted a hole They Could say. All they what they want of me But some if they had a chance to live my life They would have been so weak And Doused by Insanity. Always acting like they know so much about people life.. But I smile because I know better. And there exists greater stories than mine So I just try to relax myself and take my time. Then I met my spiritual father The greatest man I would ever meet That could actually LIVE the things that he would boldly PREACH And many souls he would reach Because he reached mine, not by his words but how he ACTUALLY lives He does ONE thing Live the Message. Always loving me and caring for me and praying for me. Just wanting to see me happy I always asking him to pray and place his blessing on me But Even he, could not truly understand me Nobody does really.. I STOPPED TRYING TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO PEOPLE A LONG TIME AGO AND STARTED BEING COMFORTABLE IN THE SKIN I AM BLESSED TO BE IN And realized that my beauty did not lie in my gold chains and earrings For all these years that I was wearing. Like if JEWELLERY WAS PART OF MY SKIN OR SOMETHING Steups.. and then I threw them all away. Being a slave to the world’s definition of what Beauty is In the little I have achieved so far I see it as nothing. And the little I am doing right now I see it as nothing. Because with the SO CALLED EVERYTHING we have.. WE HAVE NOTHING without BREATHING.. AND WHERE OXYGEN COMING FROM?? I know you whispering in the back of your throat GOD… SAY IT LOUD. Thanks.. realization much… But everyone there caught up in all things they have and all achievements they done. Just Talking.. Talking.. Talking their throat out Trying to impress the world. But instead they impress feeble minds With their so called Achievements All part of the fading moments.. I just want to take time to thank God for my gifts and talents The Abstracts Noble things that money could never buy For my expression to my uncaged independent mind Proving to be a living contradiction Always being myself that is why I am never forgotten Never trying to be a Copy Because why was I born an Individual? Not for the purpose of being Original..... *rolls eyes* duhhhhhhh Liberated from the mould of Human Judgement and Expectation Because everything. You told me I could not do… I have already Done. She said I would not make a Good nurse even though she fighting up now doing the SAME Course.. At 19 years old I was running up and down the hospital wards, and when me and the patients formed bonds they loved me and begged me not to change and to stay true to myself. Singing the old song.. “ You know all yuh does change when they become a registered nurse” But my God knows better. Humans again… shakes my head.. Always TALKING OUT OF TIMING I wonder if animals could speak what would they say? Humans.. always Talking out of the seat of their Drafted opinions and their Perceptions They Quick to ALWAYS KNOW and they ALWAYS UNDERSTAND But they cannot CONQUER of FIX THEMSELVES Giving Strangers like me.. who they DONT KNOW Definitions But the FAIL to Define Themselves. God help not to be a slave of my anger. PEOPLE will always have their perception of what you can and cannot do FEEL SORRY FOR THEM because their own potential has been limited By ALL What They Too Was Told They Could Not Do. I remain BOLD Standing, Standing TALL Ohh And don’t forget Brave. Though I always stand alone. And now I write.. Fragments of my story untold. I stopped writing at the age of 12 year old. Then 7 years later.. I am writing again And 7 is my favourite number And 7 is the birthday of the intriguing Ghanaian King Our minds explore the depths of each other. And when he hugs me he sings. And when I asked him why he was singing? He was not even conscious of what he was doing Sigh.. smile.. And 7 is my batch number And 7 is completion OF EVERYTHING. So even though I bask in solitude As I usually do I always thought that things would be different too That I would actually get a best friend That would be at every chapter of my book with me Naïve me There would always be people that cross my path in my life That I truly care about God searches and knows my contrite heart and Those times we would share would be some of the Happiest moments in my life. But as realization and reality would prove That is but For A Moment And Only For A TIME But I.. me... D Always Wanting to Hold On Urggghh.. sigh.. because I love soo Strong.. The love inside me I try to hard to hide.. That God place in me And I Argue and ask WHY!!? Too much is my demise.. People Leave, Things Change, People Change. Feelings Change. What Remains Constant? GOD. So let me stop this nonsense about fighting against reality And getting Mad or Sad about Who, When and Why Leaves ME I was given this life because God knows the strength in me He knew I was strong enough to live it that is why he gave it to me Let me stop wondering about why people COME IN MY LIFE AND THEN GO CHILD THAT IS HOW THE STORY SUPPOSED TO GO Child you are NOT always the one Writing.. You Know.. And who is holding my pen? The paved path that was meant to walk alone Most of these people that come in your Life Are just the Pink Traffic Cones Aligning the road Just.. Just.. *fades.* GUARDIANS. So the long talks me and God continued to have I said God I would not Rest until you Bless me As life continues to challenge and test me Make me. Make Me.. A Greater Version of Me.. A Royal Thank you, for you GOD for Always for being you Unchanged and Unfeigned Though I am drenched around the fakers draped in their fakeness While I have NO choice in the matter of being me. That Everybody Else Always have a PROBLEM With But me... hmmm.. I never have ANY problem with PEOPLE BEING THEM Because I TOO BUSY minding my OWN BUSINESS GOD you are the only Being that proved, of Never leaving me. I know you are right there. Always watching me. While I document the stories of my History. IT is not that I be ungrateful, I just want that you could come down and just hug me sometimes. 08/02/2014 # Life sometimes proves our best friend is only really ourselves and our solitude, and after that there is Only Our God.
Posted on: Sat, 08 Feb 2014 22:21:33 +0000
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