Id begun reading through a book called Healing The Shame That Binds You a couple days ago and despite only having reached the second chapter, its released a great deal of stress as well as forced me to pick apart the lives of my family members. I knew they were dysfunctional both as a whole and separately, but I had swept my role under the rug in thinking what I did caused neither harm or help to those around me. Turns out we affect each other in a much more balanced and destructive way. There are reasons everyone is angry at everyone constantly, be they valid or not. From my child perspective, my actions were directly correlated to my elders because I did whatever benefited most to them. I kept hidden in their anger, strictly listened in their worry. My smiling mask was all but sown into my skin. And so I carried such learned behaviour to the rest of the world, whomever I may encounter or have the misfortune of developing a relationship with in any form of love. Based off my family, I learned that bonds are formed from the inability to live on your own, youre doing yourself a great injustice if you do end up bonding, its perfectly acceptable to break a marriage if you run out of money, being passive gains you no enemies... These arent limited to just my family; I have seen this in much more abundance in the rest of the world. When I became saved, I noticed how these things I thought were acceptable are most certainly not. These things are emotionally destructive and tears a person apart from the inside outside to, then sear into the people they come into contact with. This destruction is not unlike poison. In not being true to yourself, you infect your peers with malcontent whether it be done by observation or direct confrontation. The poison festers in the base of your skull, feeding your thoughts lies and distractions to which you respond in shame. Shame is when you convince yourself to be the embodiment of impurity, of having the inability to iron out your flaws. You ARE a flaw. As such, you will never do enough to make up for your own existence. Even in knowing my previous beliefs meant the opposite of what Id learned, it was easy to backslide into believing them. It was the comfort zone where I knew things. I continued to act in accordance to peoples emotions and not doing what I ought to help them, much to our misfortunes. I continued to be the enemy of myself, my inner feelings smothered into near nothingness. And the Phill showed up. I have never felt more blessed in my earthly life as I realize now. He showed me, through Christ and love, how to be me. He patiently trained me how to cut my binds and live as my own person, not to be tethered by anothers petty mood-swing, or unlock my heart with a strangers happiness. He showed me there are good people to learn properly from, how they are healthy to follow because Christ dwells within them. He showed me how to clasp my hands in praise and thats its perfectly alright for me to ask for something; I dont have to strictly give and refuse to receive. I cannot imagine where Id be without his interrupting my journey downhill into a ravine. I am thankful for his presence in my life. I am thankful for his sticking around and dealing with me in the first place, for placing hope in me. I love you, Phill.
Posted on: Sun, 24 Nov 2013 01:10:37 +0000
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