If Eldoret was a man, he would be a Bcom graduate from MKU, CPA (K) holder and pursuing an MBA at the prestigious University of Nairobi. When you combine ambition, glorious past, hype and then add tolerance at room temperature, you get Eldoret. The place is a melting pot of dreams. (Whatever is meant by melting pot) Eldoret is not just a town in North rift, it’s a story. a looong story full of anecdotes and clinches, the story is told in a mellow voice to insulate its sensitiveness while insisting on its promise. The town exists contrary to UN Habitat approach to land use; there is focus on minimal constructions on agricultural land. Who is interested with such policies anyway, things like Nairobi expanding to Athi river and planting coffee in Muthaiga and Pangani, just picture some nappier grass around Equity Ngara branch, Bananas at the Guru Nanak hospital, Surely, Eldoret is just a farm pretending to be a town. Furthermore do farmers require an urban centre, si they can buy fertilizers at OLX?, well, schools teach us that markets should grow up to towns, naturists should accept and move on-chaps still using this phrase should feature in the Omo dirt is good campaign. OK, the name for such transition from soko to Tao is supposedly development. Enough. I guess this can win the dumb paragraph awards. When we sat and watched the glamour of Nairobi barbecued on the grill of vanity by the 90s kids, we underestimated the chain effect. Towns like Nakuru and Thika were allowed to import all the antics of a city struggling to escape the tyranny of egos. Sociologists consider the transfer of cultures an involuntary social process, but surely we cannot be this helpless, something can be done to ensure upcountry towns don’t have Sonko senators, Mbusis as the lead radio personality or Teacher Wanjikus as the best comedians. Can’t we do better good people? c’mon, we can Consider a town like Nakuru, the county government has brown tooth on its county logo, schools have Tuk Tuks as school vans, Mpesa shops are ran by men-Safaricom insist on lady attendants, Tuskys branch has Mutura shed next to the bakery and A.I vetinary officers roam town with their KVX Suzuki vans. Such an innocent town should be spared the curse of plasticness, but look, the ladies there just like in Nairobi still think being a rugby fan will earn you unit exemptions in a university. The men still Consider showing off an iphone as part of foreplay just like the situation in Nairobi. Thika is not spared, club Leos and Zinc still hosts men with skinny jeans, if am not wrong, all municipal councils had a by-law against these pants. Never mind..Am ever wrong. Eldoret. The town has its fair share of vanity. They still insist on lower back tattoos and you know the generous melanin among its major inhabitants. We are not waxing tribal here but opening a tattoo parlour in Eldoret is like organizing a beauty contest in Kisii town, the standards have to be pathetically low. I have had the displeasure of several weekends up there, see, it’s all laughter until spinach and peas show up on a breakfast table. A friend chuckled that there are lots of Moi features in Eldoret, which was quite an exaggeration…apart from Moi carwash, Moi Kinyozi/get KRA pin here, and Moi University the others are fairly creative names like Bergertuny plaza and Njuguna Gicheha flats. Eldoret is in Uasin Gishu County. Shakespeare hadn’t heard of Uasin Gishu when he wondered what is in a name. But anyway what is in a name? Nothing! Noooo! Everything. Can’t we just settle for a single name, double naming defeats the objective of naming which is basically to indentify. Scenetific evidence shows that girls with two baptismal names are 13 times more likely to throw tantrums in club scenes unlike your ordinary Liz, Beth or Betty. Double naming was an early 80s practice that portrayed human greed, it was an act of possessiveness and blatant refusal to incur the opportunity cost. I mean, if you love the names Rose and Mary, just make a choice…rather than picking Rosemary, maybe that’s why names were exhausted and some people had to pick apologetic nouns like Elizaphan or Nemesius. Athletics are revered in Eldoret. When Man U was playing Chelsea in October last year, I remember cursing after the waitress changed the channel to Oslo marathon just when Torres was taking that missed penalty, the patrons gave me that ‘you have sisal made boxers’ look. I quickly withdrew my cursing and wrote a formal apology for projection after the Marathon. Ok, we all know Athletics is not a sport,.Like my showy Prof. wondered, why are you running after a fellow human being in absence of danger, yet you aren’t a predator or a prey. Although I have family ties with Catherine Ndereba, me thinks running was a jungle survival adaptation that lost essence when we invented the wheel. It’s just not right to give medals based on this physical ability, maybe they should introduce more mental involving activities like naming 5 ladies who don’t don weaves or pre event recitation of a sentences with ‘T’ sounds. To cut the chatter, Eldoret is among the few remaining Kenyan towns free from plasticness. The inhabitants are real safe for Chepkoilel students. It’s among the few towns where you find an almost biblical dance floor without the socket rubbing. In Eldoret drinks are served in stable glasses irrespective of their fruit wine qualities. The DJs are sober enough to hate Beenie man. The meat is so genuine that you can hear a mow when slicing choma. I fancy its defiance to Nairobi sub-culture. Eldoret is God’s gift to Kenya. Maybe to replace Koitalel or Compensate for Linturi. Make me the president and I will make LD the capital city. Humanity needs a town where brown bread is not welcome. Ok, if Eldoret was a Lady, She would still be a Virgin at 30 with a few once a year cuddling here and there. The lady would have #TeamJesus on her twitter bio. douglasmwati.wordpress/2013/07/12/the-eldoret-idea/
Posted on: Fri, 12 Jul 2013 09:21:45 +0000