If I can say that there is one thing that Ive observed about evolution it is that pressure is required to grow, to adapt. A person may experience this pressure as a heartbreak, a disease, the end of a job, the burning of a home, a war, an instance of violation, or any other extreme. That which seems like pressure is only an extreme of contrast to which the system is not adapted. For example, to go from loving relationship, to ended relationship. This is a big contrast in experience. To go from healthy, to ill is another large contrast, for you never understood what health was, until you got over an illness. Contrast imposes vulnerability. We are affected. Just as when weather rapidly fluctuates from hot to cold, and back again, and the body cannot adapt. If it were just hot, or cold, we could adapt. But the strange provokes too much stress. If there is one thing I have learned the most from, it is the pressure of life. The greatest discoveries and treasures I have had were the result of pressure. By not getting what I wanted I could emerge from my safety net in terror, but discover a new world of awakening and potential that was untapped before. That terror could only be, while the dream exists that there is something to protect, or threaten. In my most brutal times, I simply couldnt help hurting people I loved. Every positively motivated thought would break their heart. One poke at my insecurity would cause me to go into a homicidal rampage. (I attempted 5 murders and an assult in my youth. The most recent failed attempt was 9 years ago. I never succeeded in homicide) Fortunately something stopped me right before that fatal step each time. Sometimes unconscious self-injury. After each of these instances I would go hide and beat myself in shame and rage, condemning myself as a monster, forsaking what I felt. Each time I didnt live up to my expectations, or each time I did a bad thing I tried to block out the emotional pressure with physical self-inflicted violence. An unskillful coping mechanism that I employed involved shutting down and bending the knee. I was so scared to express what I felt, even in words, because I always ended up hurting others. Instead of express and collaborate, the reflex was the shut down and obey. The less involved I was, the less likely someone was going to get hurt. Because of my background, I became symbolic for myself, with what I most observed about the process of personal growth, and evolution. That aspect would be that existential pressure. The weight of heartbreak, murder, torture, beatings, abuse, death. As long as there is something I can point to that seems to live, death is in it. If there is one thing I have learned the most from, it is pressure. If there is one thing that has brought the most healing, it is pressure. If there is one thing that I fear the most, its pressure. If there is one thing I have a hard time forgiving, it is pressure. Individual instances, events, I have resolved to a great extent. But the fundamental concept of pressure remains ever present in my vision. There seems to be something to protect, why would I share my vulnerabilities? What dream of full accomplishment would I arrogantly project? Humility, is to acknolwedge what we have not resolved, we have still not resolved. To pretend we have rises from a a fear, and a threatened sense of identity. Some image with great emotional and genetic investment. It would seem that isolation, and emotional distance is the solution to defeat violence. But this comes from an individual point of view that does not trust in evolution or collaboration. Observation, experience, understanding, living, presence, collaboration is the solution. Involvement is the solution. Trying to remain in emotional control of the pressure inside is to build a bomb with an unknown timer, that merely awaits sufficient trigger. Being involved wears away the hard edges of emotional control. Collaboration reveals limitations that were once obscure, via the rich promise of contrast. A new perspective illuminates the darkness like a black dot becoming apparent on a white wall. To discover the experience as a whole, instead of to hide from the experience as an individual, this is the solution. For only in interaction can there be sufficient contrast to allow growth and adaptation to arise.
Posted on: Sun, 14 Dec 2014 07:42:01 +0000
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