If a pig drinks a quart of buttermilk before he starts, and runs a mile before he farts… how far may he run before he shits ?... a farmer was standing about a mile from where the pig started and the pig passed the farmer just as it farted…now the farmer allowed that he saw the pig pass, with butter milk squirting six feet from his ass…the farmer figured if that pig can keep his wits, he’ll be likely to run five miles before he shits ! The greatest disease is not Leprosy or T B …it is being unwanted, unloved and uncared for. We can cure physical diseases with medecine, but the only cure for loneliness, hopelessness and despair is love. There are many in this world who are dying for a piece of bread, but there are many more who are dying for just a little love…..MOTHER THERESA. Just another one of our fine federal government hogs at the trough….The Canadian Broadcorping Castration….they answer to no one…not even so much as to disclose how many vehicles they own…all funded by our tax dollars of course. The furniture salesman in an effort to convince the prospective bride and groom about the high quality of his merchandise says…we stand behind every bed we sell… she says WHAT ?? even on our wedding night ? On one of Groucho Marx’s shows, an attractive lady in her late 40’s was introduced to him…very pleased to meet you my dear he said, do you have any children ?...yes she replied, we have eight…well well he said, that’s quite a habit your husband has there wouldn’t you say ?...well, she replied, you do have your cigar don’t you ?...yes my dear, but I do take it out once in a while ! What is a mistress ? it’s something between a mister and a mattress . A friend of Alfred Hitchcock had come to call…well my good friend he said, I don’t see your canary in his cage…no, he replied, I had to shoot him …why ? the visitor asked…because he was yellow !...Oh dear, well then, I don’t see your dog either… oh yes, I had to shoot him too…too bad said the visitor, was he mad ? well, he wasn’t very happy about it. Alfred, I don’t see your housekeeper’s car around...Oh yes poor soul, she committed suicide in the garage…if you look closely, you can still see the lipstick marks on the exhaust pipe. Paddy O’Flynn had two wooden legs…his house took fire but he wouldn’t leave until the fire reels arrived…they saved the house but he was burned to the ground ! A woman had rented a house in the country from a landlord at a very reasonable price…she soon found out the reason for the low figure. Every time the train went by, the house shook severely and was sometimes bad enough to roll her out of her bed. ! She called up the land lord and invited him to come over to see what was happening. When he got there she was in bed, so as the train was due in about five minutes he decided to join her so he could see the problem for himself. Just then the door burst open and in came her husband…well well well, what have we got here he said ? The landlord said… you’ll never believe it … we’re waiting for a train ! A honeymoon couple check into their motel…it had been a very hot day so the groom decides to shower and freshen up a bit…he steps back into the room au naturel…the bride stares at him in shocked disbelief and says…why you impostor ! I used to be a patient of Dr. William Danby, a skin specialist in Kingston. His receptionist always brought in two lovely cups of hot tea and fresh baked cookies for us to enjoy while he smoked his imported Havana cigar. He had a remarkable sense of humour and was never to be found lacking for descriptive phraseology. You know, he remarked, these young Queens students really make me laugh, why just last week one of them came in to my office in a very worrisome state and said he thought he might be the unwilling host of some uninvited guests. Alright boy, the doctor said, drop your trousers and let’s take a look at you…yes, you have them alright, at least 2 to 300 of them by now. You know, if this was just a landlord- tenant problem , we’d simply give notice and bring in the bailiff to proceed with the eviction process. But this is a much more serious situation and requires immediate professional treatment. Well son, any thoughts as to where you may have invited these little beasties to come along for a ride ? Gosh, gee whillickers doctor. I was visiting in California recently and was swimming in the ocean, maybe that’s where I got them ? NO NO NO said the good doctor, those ones out there are as big as dinner plates…yuk yuk yuk. A back handed compliment…young man dancing with an overweight girl…gee hon, for a fat girl you sure don’t sweat much ! A young man graduated from university and came back to his home town in Newfoundland. The people threw a big party for him because he was the only one in town who ever got out of grade eight. After the party he was asked to step up to the mike and have something to say…he became quite flustered and all he could think of to say was pye r squared…two young guys in the front row said he’s not too smart, we all know pie are round, cake are square. A parishioner invited the bishop to go with him to a nudist colony for the weekend…finally the bishop agreed to go. On arrival he was asked to remove all his clothing but he kept his long black boots on…his friend told him they had to come off too…Gosh, the bishop said, if I take them off, how will anyone know that I’m the Bishop ? his friend studied him carefully for a minute or so and then remarked…well sir, with a pair of balls like yours, they will be likely to think you’re the Canon ! Jack Spratt could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean, and so you see between them both they licked the platter clean. Little miss muffet sat on a tuffet, eating her curds of whey…along came a spider and sat down beside her and frightened miss muffet away. Off to market to buy a fat pig…home again home again jiggedy jig. Where are you going for the rest of your life- dah. dah. dah. dah. dah. dah. dah. dah.dah. My grandmother and another old lady were taking a list of names for admission to a rural church dinner…along in a row came the names….. babcock…sandercock…leacock…peacock…alcock…..let’s just call them all prick and be done with it the old lady said ! Bill Murray was playing the Dahli Lahma in a round of golf and had agreed to a bet of ten dollars on the game. Bill won the match and the Dahli Lahma started to walk away towards his car. Bill said…hey dere mister Dahli Lahma...you gonna stiff me or what ? The Dahli Lahma turned and replied…my son, my gift to you today is that on your death bed you shall receive total conciousness…Bill thinking out loud to himself…I still think he stiffed me ! A retired man was hired by the Astor Hotel to meet travellers at the train station, calling out…free bus to the Hotel Astor. On his first day he became quite flustered and mumbled the followed messages…”Free ass at the Hotel Buster”…”Bust your ass at the Hotel Freezer”…”Freeze your bust at the Hotel Astor”…ah shit…take a street car ! WE recently adopted a homeless dog from the Kingston humane society…he has been pissing all over our fine imported indian carpets, like clockwork…I think he is carrying the major genes of a species known as “ hardware “ dog “ ‘cause anytime I give him a kick in the ass he makes a bolt for the door. Have you heard about the saving tomcat ? he puts a little in the kitty overnight ! As the funeral director was wheeling the coffin out to the waiting hearse, it broke loose, started down the hill and crashed through a drug store window…the lid popped open, the corpse sat up and said to the pharmacist…give me something to stop this coffin ! Do unto others before they do unto you. Highway patrol to driver…lemme see your licence boy, why, that ain’’t no licence, that’s the menu from alice’s restaurant…this here piece of interstate’s all mine, I done clock you at 80 miles an hour son…that’s impossible officer, I haven’t even been on the road for an hour…don’t get smart with me boy, you’s in a heap of trouble here…what’s your name boy ?..it’s claude… well, claude who ? ? ?...claude nine ! Did you enjoy you frog’s legs dinner last night ?...sure did but it was hard to watch all those poor frogs leaving in wheel chairs ! We took in an Engelbert Humperdinck show in Ottawa many years ago… as usual he had a front man do an opener for him… a man had divorced his wife but she had asked that she be buried next to his grave site…NO he said, I’ve been lying next to her dead body for more than 30 years already ! Then Engelbert came on and mentioned that a recent storm had damaged his sign on highway 16…not to worry though…my humper is ok but my dinck fell off ! Police officer stops a motorist for speeding and asks to see his driver’s licence… the driver says I lost my licence in a bus accident…it rolled over and took fire…there were a bunch of mexicans trapped in the back, I couldn’t understand a word but I knew they were praying…they sure wanted to live though ! A wealthy man had passed away and his widow was seated in the front row amongst the others and next to her closest friend. She stood up, walked to the coffin and placed something inside. When she returned, her friend asked what she had done…oh yes dear, he made me promise that when he died I would place all our money in the coffin with him… is that what you were doing her friend asked ? oh no my dear, I just wrote him a cheque ! George Carlin doing a book review…well folks, here’s an interesting one, how to organize a tupper ware gang bang ! Mae West…hi there sweety, is that a gun you have in your pocket or are you just happy to see me ? Groucho Marx stopping in for a snack at his friend’s hotel…is there any fresh fruit in the kitchen ? besides the chef, that is! Liz Taylor on stepping out of her shower…wow, I feel like a new man ! Just had the hood of my car repainted and noticed a lot of swirl marks from a rotary polisher…I go back to the dealer and tell him about the swirls on my hood ( to understand this you need to know that Harry’s a little hard of hearing ) WHAT he says ? you say you have squirrels on the hood of your newly painted car ?...they must have crapped all over the place by now. I’ll be back in a few minutes Bob, I have to make a long overdue trip to the little boy’s room, just relax there in my big easy chair and as soon as I get back I’ll be phoning the Kingston animal control…they’ll come here and trap them and take them all away. Well Bob, I just remembered, one day last week I entered the ladies washroom by mistake…there wasn’t one of them over 40 and they all had smashing good looks and were attired in high style clothes. Just as I was beginning to appreciate the implications of the scene before me, they started shouting “pervert, dirty old man , get T F out of here...my first clue that I was not in the right place was the absence of urinals. If I had had a hat I would have pulled it down over my face and beaten a hasty retreat to the safety of the little boy’s room. Those shittin’ squirrels Harry mumbled, they should be scampering about, busying themselves up in the trees, and winterizing their nuts! Is there something missing here ? is there some little known factor for converting squirrel power to horsepower ? When I come back, I’ll just call the Kingston animal control, they’ll come out, trap them and take them all away. See how good we are at solving customer problems at this dealership ? We’ll have our clean up boys give your car a good wash job too! Well Harry, I said, I have done some investigating locally and found that other shops are using a readily available compound to eliminate swirl marks in one easy 15 minute application. Lets take both cars, drop mine off at your body shop and go for a coffee at tim hortons…by the time we get back the problem will have been resolved. Sounds like a smart approach to me Uncle Bob….Good, I knew I could count on you to figure something out Harry. I can always recognize the mark of a true professional the minute I see one ! My son Scott was helping me with putting down patio slabs for a walkway. You know dad, he said, we could be getting a lot of good help here from Margaret Trudeau if she was around…oh, and why is that I asked ? well, he answered, I hear she was really good at laying the stones! What’s the speed limit on highway 69 ?...lickety split. A horde of lesbian bikers passing through new york city…newspaper photographer captions his photo “ dykes on bikes “ Flooding in new york state… a lot of bridge under the water ! The crazy hat salesman’s licence plate…6-7-8/s. Too much of a good thing is wonderful. You can check out any time you want…but you can never leave. There’s nothing wrong with being mediocre as long as you’re good at it. A drunk phones a friend and tells him he’s lost… the friend asks him if he can see any landmarks he might recognize… he says I’m at the corner of walk and don’t walk. Well folks, informed sources are telling us that the pepsis are continuing to buy up huge quantities of Canadian Tire shares. They appear to be hell bent on continuing down the path of abandoning the rest of their Canadian citizens and are rushing rashly forward with their madman separatist policies, policies which might be likened to a crazed motorist driving the wrong way down a one way street at 100 miles an hour. Are they thinking the best and quickest means of acquiring their own currency would be to gain monetary control over Canadian Tire and by implementing the use of some variation of that firm’s Cash Rewards Program. Maybe even going as far as opening les banques de la province du quebec ? “ We are “tire ing” they say of english dominance in the financial sector. Remember the battle of the Plains of Abraham at Quebec City ? The french took a terrible shellacking there by the English from which they have never recovered. If the vote for separation appears to be on the horizon, how on GOD’S green earth are they planning to pay down THEIR SHARE of the NATIONAL DEBT ? And as ex premier Mike Harris has said before… if they don’t think there’ll be a BORDER, then they better think again !
Posted on: Sun, 01 Sep 2013 02:30:31 +0000
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