Im NEVER interested in being That person but I feel compelled to help people understand that their words can be so destructive. Recently, I was talking to a person about Nathan and they began to give me the whole spiel about the diagnosis being “God’s blessing to us” and “God’s will for him”. Which is VERY offensive to me because #1 I feel like that maligns God’s character and #2 It robs me of the hope that if not before then at least in Heaven Nathan will be whole (because isn’t God’s will supposed to be perfectly accomplished in Heaven?) Anyway, I tried to shut this lady’s rhetoric down by lovingly expressing my disagreement with her take on Nate’s situation. I told her that I was actively praying for Nathan to be healed (which, sadly, normally shuts my fellow Christians up very quickly). However, as if I hadn’t said anything, this person (who had two healthy grown sons) went on to regale me with stories of how the local Kroger in her area was “kind enough” to give “Downs People” “something to do”. She told me how there was a bag boy who “was a Downs” who “most people ignored or shied away from out of fear”. She proudly told us of how she heroically decided to speak to him. Upon her next visit the “Downs boy” saw her and loudly told the Checker “Hey, that’s my wife!” It wasn’t enough for her to just tell us about his statement. She had to mimic his speech delay and nasal voice in what I would consider a mocking tone. As I sat there and politely listened I thought to myself, “I hope this lady NEVER has to deal with a situation as painful as the one with which I am dealing. I hope she never has to face a day of looking at one of her sons and thinking that his destiny would be the one of the “downs boy” she so joyfully described to me.” We didn’t want to make her feel badly so my girls and I just sat there. We didn’t say anything although this person was being insensitive at best and abusive at worst, albeit unwittingly. I do wish however that I had had the ability to tell her how what she was saying would for WEEKS if not MONTHS be brought back to my mind, how the picture of THAT scenario being MY BEAUTIFUL SON’S destiny would TORMENT and PLAGUE me for a long long time, and how the language she used and way in which she interacted with this young man at Kroger’s was SO BELITTLING that it bordered on sinfulness!! Here are a few things to remember when you are talking to people who have been touched by having a child with a diagnosis. People with a diagnosis should NEVER be described or classified by their disease or diagnosis. There is no such thing as a “Downs Boy/Girl” or “Downs People”. People are people. Should we start calling people with cancer “Cancer people” or “Cancer Boy/Girl”? People with a diagnosis should NEVER be patronized by the general population thinking that they are doing them a big favor by talking to them or giving them something to do, etc. Talking to or employing a person who happens to have Down Syndrome or any other diagnosis doesn’t make you a hero, holy, or a better citizen. I respectfully ask you to get over yourself if you think it does. Every person with a diagnosis has different manifestations of that diagnosis so please try to NOT lump everyone into the same little stereotype you’ve created by your limited experience with a person with a diagnosis. Don’t be so quick to share stories of your winsome, anecdotal brushes with the disabled without consideration of the picture you are painting in the mind of a mother or father who doesn’t have the first idea of what their beloved child’s future will look like. Feel free to just keep your mouth shut (I’ve found that’s always a good option). Finally, watch the person’s face for clues as to whether or not you are being offensive. Every parent processes this sort of situation differently. So what offends one may not offend another. For instance some people are comforted by the idea that this situation is God’s blessing but I AM NOT!!! So please be smart and caring enough to look for verbal and body language clues to tell you when you’ve crossed the line. If you do cross the line do the right thing and STOP TALKING! If you are so inclined apologize for saying something that hurt their feelings. My desire here isn’t to just rant but to try to inform. If the Bible means what it says when it tells us that the power of life and death is in the tongue then I think we should all be more thoughtful before we unleash that thing.
Posted on: Tue, 02 Sep 2014 19:50:59 +0000
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