Im a mess. I mean really. Literally for hours Ive been doing everything I know to do to sift my emotions thru His Truth. Reading through various chunks of Scripture. Writing as many things as I can in my thankful journal. Trying to meditate on memorized verses. Singing out worship lyrics. Trying to just be still. Confessing sin. Praying for people, including my enemies and myself. These are all the right things to do. Right? Everyone has wanted time with our kids. This has made our house a little quieter. Its also left me with time and space to face my thoughts, feelings and failures. For years God has been asking more and more radical obedience from me. Things Im not qualified or equipped for. I fumble my way thru making a TON of mistakes. At times I operate out of fear. At times I grumble in my heart. Why do I FINALLY submit my will to His and obey? Because I really do love Jesus more than life itself. And because I have a holy fear. Who am I to withhold anything from the One who rescued me from such a pit? I tremble at the thought. So I say yes. Then God calls people to make incredible sacrifices to help us follow hard journeys. Journeys like preaching Christ in night clubs, foster care, adoption and foreign missions. I struggle with feeling guilty instead of thankful. It seems a debt that can never be repaid. But shouldnt my only response be thanksgiving and praise? We are ordinary, uneducated, broken people. The catch phrase for our first ministry (OASIS) was that we were (literally) DISORGANIZED religion! We are far from capable of pulling off a single thing God has asked of us. When I start over-analyzing my motives and questioning the call I eventually look back and say, no way. I never would have chosen that path. I am too selfish to choose to go thru the pain. I am too fearful to choose to walk thru the fire. Because really, if everyone knew the depth of my sin and selfishness they would KNOW I would never choose the path that brings rejection, persecution, betrayal or suffering. Not UNLESS the love of Christ were compelling me. I would never be able to trust Him in the middle of a sea of vast need. NOT UNLESS a mustard seed of faith was given to me. I would never be able to handle the heart break of being rejected by the very ones I was reaching out to. NOT UNLESS an endless supply of grace was freely offered. God has put impossible desires in our hearts and then weve waited years and YEARS until we saw them come to pass. I cant tell you how many times I thought I had heard wrong or had gone crazy and just wanted to give up. The desires He is STILL putting in us just keep getting more impossible and the temptation to give up just keeps getting stronger. After breaking my heart for the fatherless. God asked us to take in foster children, in America. And start a sponsorship program for 100 orphans, in West Africa, at the same time. After giving birth to 3 children. God gave me a desire for a large family, then He closed my womb. And asked us to adopt 3 children, all at once. After living in the same house for 12 years. God asked us to move our 6 children 5,000 miles away, to a foreign country. Away from our close knit community of friends. Away from our family that invested weekly into the lives of our kids so we could invest weekly into the lives of orphans. After attending the same church for 16 years in an American suburb. God asked us to plant another one, in one of the poorest, most undeveloped nations of the world. With only enough monthly support to barely cover our familys food budget. All in hopes of bringing revival to a Muslim nation. The church is not planted yet. And you know what? It seems utterly impossible. On my own I cant even fathom how this story can unfold. After going thru emotional turmoil, physical suffering, intense oppression, overwhelming opposition and strong temptation to doubt the call and just give up. God gave us the resolve to stay the course. After our house was in order and our hearts were settled. We counted the cost and dreamed years ahead. Then we were suddenly uprooted, after just 4 months. God called us to come back and leave everything behind. Including people we love. In the wake of a massive outbreak of a deadly disease. I cant even describe by inability to process all of this. Sometimes I feel so much anxiety I forget to breathe. And eat. And sleep. Hows that for a faith-filled-follower? Proverbs says that a hope deferred makes the heart sick. But it also says a longing fulfilled is like a sweet to the soul. So I wait for this longing fulfilled to see a nation of people turn to Christ and a group of orphans kept safe. And get this. I feel a deep conviction to share my real-life-journey with the living God in written form. Fears, joys, struggles, victories and ALL. Out in the open. With the world. This is the hardest call to obey. While it brings a huge army of people who pray and encourage, it also brings a small group of critics. That seem like a huge army. It leaves me incredibly vulnerable. Some think writing out my walk with Christ to the world is ego-centric. Some think its heroic. And you want to know the ugly part. Sometimes I swing from both ends of that pendulum in my own thinking. Ugh. I waste far too much time trying to judge my own motives, instead of laying every thought before Him. Trusting in His mercy that never fails. Even though I desperately want to glorify Christ, it seems I walk around in weakness. Even though I know His approval is all I need, I find myself wanting this from other people. Even though Im called to rely on His power, I try to help others in my own strength. Even though I know He is the Source of all wisdom. I just keep trying to figure out solutions on my own. Awww, see I told you. Im a mess. BUT I will not stop fighting to follow. AND I will not stop sharing the struggle of that fight with you. Why? Because I SO BADLY want you all to know Him MORE! I want this more than I want orphans fed and deadly diseases wiped out. I want you to know Him in so many different ways. Knowing Him by being alone in His Presence. Knowing Him by reading His Word. Knowing Him by sharing in His sufferings. Knowing Him by rejoicing in His greatness. Knowing Him by enduring trials. Knowing Him by confessing sin. Knowing Him by loving others. Knowing Him by pushing past failures. Knowing Him is our defense against attacks on the outside and fears on the inside. Its the simple solution to the complex problems of our world, our relationships and our lives. Knowing Him is the simple solution to the over powering problem of sin. I want you to fight this fight with me. Pray for me. Let me pray for you. Lets not stop encouraging one another to persevere until the very end. I really believe that together we can change the world in His Name!
Posted on: Fri, 15 Aug 2014 04:42:57 +0000
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