Im not saying that Im in need of support or that Im feeling negative, Im just flexing my thoughts. I sometimes feel, and perhaps we all do and are all mistaken, that I am often a volunteer crow bar or crutch for people. My purpose being to serve as someone to lean on or a tool to use when necessary. Ive often felt like i put myself last in most cases. Some might say I am a pushover or a people pleaser. Now, I will say I have been both but I dont feel so anymore. Now I feel its more chosen. I might choose to knowingly let someone take advantage of me. I may really not want to do something, but I want to make you happy and Id rather be uncomfortable for a bit and allow you to get what you want. I feel confident enough in my ability to forgive and to let things slide right off of me to let myself be the loser or the subservient one, and I can keep mouth shut without holding resentment. That being said Ive also learned how to say no and that I dont have to do things for anyone and I can now comfortably say so. And Im beginning to learn my limits and boundaries, which of course I can set at any level. However, and not to belittle any of my friendships, but I often feel like an emotional sponge and a crutch and or a big set of nonjudgmental ears and love spewing vocal cords, but when it comes time for the roles to switch, they dont. I think possibly because I allow that and because I just dont have a lot to be upset about. And when I am upset I feel silly for it so I dont want to bring it to your attention. So here I am complaining on a public I forum about the lack of people to wine to. And its not even that is it? No. Not a lack of people to lean on I dont think. Ive got great friends. Selected friends. Many acquaintances. Im big on alone time so if you see me on any kind of semi-regular basis then you know youre in. Ha! Perhaps its a more of a fear of seeming weak, though I feel thats assumed anyway. Noo...I think I just get depleted and defeated at times. Like...OHHH. Wow. Thats what it is. I just realized. Its that sometimes I feel like, well when do I get mine? Whens it my turn? Feeling like Im owed something. Like Ive earned some kind of consolation prize for my service to others. But no. Because you see these people do not necessarily ask for my company or assistance, if thats what youd call it. I give it freely. And its not even so much, what can you do for me? as much as it is, Ive done all of this for everyone else, and at the end of the day Im holding my own hand I guess in a way that shames me. Feeling like I deserve something for doing what I do. But its not even like that. It doesnt come from that kind of place. I dont feel like the world owes me anything, and I dont do things for others expecting to get something in return, its just sometimes I feel like Ive been waiting so long and helping so much and Im still asking the universe and humans in general, when Im done helping you do you think we can focus on me? But then I normally deflect when attention shifts to me and my needs. Yet I want them filled and I often feel like Im somewhat self centered. Doesnt make a lick of sense really. Hmm maybe what I really am wanting here is someone just like myself to spend time with. Hahahaha!! Hello vanity. Another Jesse would know just what to say. So its not a lack of people to lean on or that Im under appreciated, its just that I am often playing the role of caretaker or guide, most often I impose this on you, and then I expect to have someone do it for me. But youre not me and I cannot expect you to be. So theres my answer. Look at that, thank you jesse, youve served as a great guide to lead me to that conclusion. Ladies and gentlemen thats what it sounds like in my head. So Im not feeling down or saying my friends and acquaintances suck. Im just realizing that I expect other people to be like me when none of you are me. And I feel like this entire reading portrays me as some kind of awesome do gooder so I must say, I often know I can do better and I just choose not to. Sometimes I see people I know and I choose to avoid them. Sometimes I confuse youre best interest with my invested interest. Not so much of a great person all the time. Sometimes Im just downright insane
Posted on: Thu, 28 Aug 2014 03:52:52 +0000
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