Im sitting at home alone tonight after attending the funeral of a family member I really had virtually no appreciation for. Still though today attending the service I have an abundance of thoughts flowing through my head. That being said; I want to write, but I have no idea whats about to come out; Ill hit post at the end of this regardless, but please keep this in mind and take my self reflection with a grain of salt. My uncle was a man that would require you to search deeply through to find his redeeming qualities. Ill highlight a few of them off the top of my head... Jerry was an excellent person to shoot with. He taught me range etiquette and safety at a very early age and I still practice what he showed me. We once got into a fist fight and I nearly crapped myself when he pulled his firearm out of his concealed holster, but then watched him put it aside into an unrecoverable area before our fisticuffs proceeded and despite throttling him quite drastically, he never once attempted to retrieve it. I feel thats a world class exhibition of self control to have not resigned himself to going back for his sidearm in order to gain the upper hand. Despite all the shitty things I might say of him; that was a stellar show of honor in my mind. Jerry would stand his ground in a verbal confrontation with blind ferocity and unyielding confidence. I tend to side with at least letting someone state their best points and consider them before rebuttal, but he had an affinity for giving not giving any ground and remaining steadfast and ultimately stubborn. There is something to be said for people refusing to recognize the logic of others and being able to ignore all logic. Im not sure what that something is, but I know I could make use of it at some point like one would need a bulldog to never release his jaw. I wronged this man; I stole from him for really no reason other than spite. I saw very little personal gain from my fence from his arsenal stash, and instead caused irreparable harm to my legacy with my moms side of the family. So in a much less active way; my Uncle taught me quite a bit about integrity. Ive handled my affairs in a vastly different way since committing the arguably terrible offense against a family member. I will say that since then I have heard of similar scenarios playing out in many other families and have turned a particular ear and advice that you shouldnt just write the offender off so much as discuss what his motives were. I was weak and easily manipulated by my peers and really wanted nothing more than too be recognized as a person who would seek revenge for being wronged and not only would my revenge be equal but I would also strike back and overdrive to assure that my foe saw me as someone not to be trifled with. Was I wronged; absolutely. Virtually my entire family felt a ridiculous negative impact from this man at one time or another. As he is no longer able to be an impacting factor in any form theres really no need to delve as I dont feel I have a need to defend myself any longer. The mighty have fallen. Something echoing in my skull from today is yet another sermon pushing religion on the ears of those in attendance. Between this and listening to a pitch from a local bank representative... I feel these very similar. One shouldnt be looking to extend their clientele base or be tossing out business cards at a burial site or a reception. Classless and pathetic are the words that came to mind then and still seem applicable now. I normally write to elicit a laugh or a giggle; tonight I just need an outlet in text. My head is in a million places, none of which I oft explore. I prefer to huddle in my world, a controllable and mastered domain. My thoughts tonight leave me with many things to say, but not much of an organization system on how to say them. So from today; death is inevitable. So is the sunrise for all of us and is likely not changing in our time. When that sun comes up its a new dawn and a new day and those days are what you make of them. My uncle from my perception squandered many of his days and had the resources to do limitless exploring and truly be a master of his environment. Instead he lived a minimalistic life of fast food and hording of mostly useless things. I took a good bit of psychology and never encountered a directly associated diagnosis, but instead multiple disorders. The frustrating thing is seeing a man with no drive to provide or improve the lives of those around him, and instead just stayed self centered and absorbed until his last breath. With so much, he did so little. I feel like on my end its the other side of the coin. Because of my past transgressions, my crime against this man, I have so little. Yet with it I have done so much. What if there were middle ground? What if myself like the multiple generations of family before me didnt have to worry about a house payment each month? I feel like the world becomes much smaller with that advantage, but I made the bed that removed that luxury. You still dont see me packing it in and going full hermit; quite the opposite actually, Ive never been so driven. What if there were middle ground? Our family doesnt get to see what that looks like I suspect. The true inspirations are those who have plenty and yet remain driven to improve the world around them in whatever fashion they choose and share the wealth in whatever form with the needy soul next to them. Im no inspiration either, but I feel I will be someday. So now a final lesson and something I suspected as already true; live the life worth living for. We have a finite number of heartbeats and breaths and the beauty of it is not knowing how many. Live it with the knowledge of intelligent estimation though and you can balance all of this and truly be an inspiration to the rest of us who are still trying to figure out our way. The pastor said we all fear death... I dont fear it. I accept that there is an end and it gets closer everyday. What mark will you leave? What mark will I leave? What legacy will you have told of you? Will there be one at all? Its all up to you and if you havent realized it, its not too late. The sun comes up in a few hours. Face it and be ready to live.
Posted on: Sat, 24 Jan 2015 07:46:49 +0000