Im slowly realizing that as much as I have held space for others to talk to me and open up to me, I dont step into safe zones and open up enough. I tend to follow the rule of if you dont have something nice to say, dont say it at all way too much. Sometimes I need to be heard and I cant keep bottling it all up. I can count on one hand the number of people Ive really been open and honest about where Im at right now in the past month... Its been exactly a month now since Sophia passed and you would think I would have reached out to whomever I could to talk about what I was really going through because its been almost unbearable some days and my guilt of putting John through my darkness, struggles, fears, etc. when hes going through his own has made it even harder to open up to him. My child died in my arms, for Gods sake, I have a right to be upset!!! Anyone who would judge me for that is simply giving me permission to remove someone heartless out of my experience. Why am I holding back? Gratitude for the ones that have allowed my boiling over points to come out... those moments when the worst of the worst come to the surface. When I am thinking the worst and feeling the worst and I pop out, emotionally puke and then run back into hiding. Its awful that I do that, but Im glad you were there to at least hold my hair (so to speak) for a moment. Please dont take it personal that I ran afterwards. Im sorry if it hurt your feelings, you have a right to feel used, although it wasnt my intention. The term that has come into my existence most recently in frequency is unintended consequence(s). I dont know why I fell in love with it, but it just keeps coming up and I get it. That said, one of the unintended consequences of my silence about my emotions and my inability to really, honestly, open up, if at all, led to me not saying goodbye to people when we left and not saying thank you enough and really meaning it. I was feeling sorry for myself and not being grateful enough. Today was one of the hardest days for me because it had been a month and I didnt even know why until the day was almost over. You want honesty? At one point, I literally just sat on the floor and cried, telling John over and over again that I was so sorry he was going through this with me and that I WANT to be better. Its been a month of really feeling depressed, anxious, having nightmares and everything else. I can love myself and still tell myself to knock it off. Im sorry to all of you that I didnt say goodbye to, that I havent called and talked to, that may have felt ignored when they reached out and anyone that didnt get a proper thank you from me. I owe so many of them at this point, I dont know where to start to catch up, so if youre reading this, please forgive me as I would forgive you and know that I am grateful for all the energy and generosity that came this last month. I was stuck in a different place in my head and the unintended consequence of trying to keep my negativity to myself may have made you feel that I was not grateful. I am. Theres no reason for me to hide, except for my own egos fear of judgement that Im not spiritual and positive enough. What a load of crap! My child died 3 hours after birth in my arms... theres no reason for me to deny myself my grief and by trying to hold it in, the unintended consequence has been John missing out on better parts of me that could have come through and been there more for him and given him the gift of loving me back like he wanted to while I pushed him away. Yeah, its been a rough month with lots of ups and downs and lots to be sad about and lots to be grateful about and lots to make me think about what the hell Im doing to myself and others. I think Im done with it. Im making a conscious effort to change all that. Thank you for your patience.
Posted on: Wed, 26 Nov 2014 11:27:13 +0000
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