Impressing the Ladies “Never date anyone you wouldn’t marry, because you never know when the love bug might strike. And remember, you can fall in love with a rich girl just as easy as you can poor one.” Loretta Walton-Wilson-Faulk-Walton-Faulk-Cloud-Walton How cool do you think you are? Most days I have a pretty healthy dose of reality called a mirror. On days when the mirror doesn’t tell me the correct story my kids help it out. One of the first conversations I ever had with my wife involved her telling me she would never lie to me. She swore she wouldn’t. So I begged her to please do if I ever ask how I look. I would love to say that in my younger days I was a bad cat. I definitely wasn’t a model type. Now let me say that I don’t believe I’m grotesque or in any way, shape, or fashion un-loveably ugly. That’s what teens believe that ruins many a life. They think that not being the top of the line is un-loveable. I’m fairly comfortable and satisfied with being middle-of-the-road. Middle-of-the-road means someone’s probably going to hit you. Someone will fall for you and be happy with what you look like. Me? I was sorta the funny guy, if you can believe that. Most women thought of me as the clown that was never serious or the guy that made fun of everyone or the brother who never can home. Never was I selfish with the comments and ribbing. I even would aim them at myself. I was never the leader, but I was a change-of-pace 2nd in command type. That type never gets the girl. I would date ‘em, show ‘em a great time, make ‘em laugh ‘til they hurt. But I never got ‘em to be mine. My steadiest girlfriend throughout school was a girl I “went with” in elementary for 3 weeks and always smiled at and got smiles from throughout the rest of high school. That’s it. It usually wasn’t my fault for failing with girls. My timing sucks. My humor will cross a line. My friends are involved or try to help. I’m OK with everything now. I have the woman I love and she can’t leave me. (No she’s not in my basement locked up. We’re married without a belief in divorce. It’s called commitment.) I’ve just come to the realization that I’m one of Gods comedic prop. The good news is that I know He laughs when I try so hard and life just happens to me. Let’s revisit some old classic scenes from my past that will show you my short-comings with the ladies. Either in Jr. High or 5th grade I made my first mark on my legend. I was a husky, four-eyed geek. But by then I had already developed quite the sense of humor to combat the social insults. I was still looking to make more of a name for myself though. It wasn’t long into the first day of summer camp when destiny and stupidity stepped in. They had a high dive. I was massively tall. We were told only high school kids could use it. I wasn’t especially fond of the pool area, being chunky and all, so that was ok by me. My best friend there at camp had a pool at his house though and he wanted to both be there & to see this girl he was interested in. So we hung out at the pool from the first minute it opened on Monday. He loved her, or so he thought. She was perfect and he had no idea how to approach her. So I helped him. Sorta because he was so love stricken and sad without her. Mainly because if I didn’t help him get her as a girlfriend by that night I was going to go insane from his love-sick ramblings. Against his pleas I went over to her and began crying. She asked me what was wrong. I pointed to my friend across the pool and told her he was ruining my life. She looked over at him who was looking back at her and waved at him. She then turned to me and asked how. I sobbed really loud and whispered in her ear that he was never going to stop talking about her until she talked to him. She giggled and looked back at him. He was worried about whatever I could possible be saying about him that would make her laugh and came over. They struck up a conversation and my job was done. Or so I thought. They talked and talked and talked. But when he came and found me he told me she didn’t really want a boyfriend right now. Now I was going to have to put up with his silly sob story all night, or worse all week. Nope. I went over to her and asked her what can I do make you fall in love with my friend. She said nothing. She really liked him but didn’t want to be his boyfriend. I said I’d do anything to get them together. She just laughed and said, “I’d like to see what you think you could try to make me change my mind.” That was a challenge. I said ok and went right to the high dive. I went up and out to the edge. Aaron, a friend of ours, was outside the pool fence and yelled, “Jump, you mad man!” A lifeguard yelled for me to get down. In my mind children were screaming both in fear and in admiration. So I got down...by jumping. The landing was more than anyone bargained for because it was the biggest fat boy belly flop in the history of jr. high camps! Thus my nickname in local church lore: Mad Man Maddox. I got in trouble with the campground people and with a councilor who was in charge but it was worth it because when I got my red-bellied self out of the water, he was holding her and telling her I would be ok. They were going together by that afternoon. Later that same camp I was given the opportunity to further cement my legacy. Dan the preachers kid had signed our cabin up for an air band group doing a Petra song at the Friday night talent show. I had never done an air band before but these guys had taught me how to play poker and gambler earlier that week so it couldn’t be bad, right? Besides, my friend wasn’t doing anything but holding his new girlfriends hand during the show so what else was I going to do. So I said yes. Then I found out I was going to be the dancing girl in the band. It was a performance based on a video Dan had seen. We were going to dress in hawiian shirts and sun glasses (except me) and jam out. Dan would sing and play lead guitar, Aaron would play bass, Sean was on drums, and James was on keyboards. I was the only one crazy enough to pull off being the hot chick, with the irony being on the word hot. I was going to have a grass skirt, a coconut bra, and my big belly was going to be painted up. They introduced our band that evening and everyone went running onto stage and the song was just about to begin when everyone stopped, looked right, and said in unison, “Aahhhhh, yeah!” The ugliest hot chick you ever saw was hulu dancing onto stage as the song started. Now we hadn’t found a grass skirt or coconut bra so we improvised with that fake grass carpet. I had a bigger piece over my waist and a smaller one with two pairs of socks stuffed in them around my chest. And in the middle of the reddest belly you’ve ever seen was a bullseye/target painted around my belly button. I was disgusting. But I was also the funniest thing you ever saw! The councilor who had hated me all week was crying she was laughing so hard! I really began to ham it up when I realized I was a hit. Then I took it to the next level by shear accident. My bra had began to slip earlier but I had kept it on by holding my arms down. Now I wasn’t going to hold them up for much longer and I was scooting over to big A (Aaron) to ask what I should do. He said just let it go. I said, “What!?” He looked at me, pulled his shades down his nose real cool-like, and said, “Just let it go, Mad Man!” So I did. My fake grass carpet bra fell down to rest on my belly, two pairs of 80’s color band socks came rolling out and onto the floor, and that councilor fell off her chair, all at once. Everything went wild from there, including my hips and arms. I went out into the crowd and started dancing among the crowd to chants of “Mad Man, Mad Man!” That was the first time I knocked a woman off her feet and changed her heart with my personality. That councilor lady liked me from that day forward. It didn’t change much in high school. I had a basketball jock friend named Rad. We took Rad’s mom’s big 80’s Suburban out for a cruise. We finally got a car load of girls to follow us out into the country. We ran several Chinese fire drills until we were all mixed up in each others cars. I had my eye on one girl in particular and had last seen her in the back seat of the girls car. I rode along in there with her until the last drill had got me caught in the truck. Then we headed out to Kidney Bridge. Now, rumor had it that if you turn your lights on and off three times, and then turn off your motor, your car wouldn’t start. (Irionic that this is the only time in my life I’ve tried to get any car I’ve owned not to start!) We had lost the girls car again and had gotten on the bridge. We couldn’t see the car anywhere so we decided to try the curse. Rad flashed the headlights on and off three times and turned off the motor. He had just started it up again (because of course the curse didn’t work since we probably had done something wrong) when we heard a tremendous thud/crash/whack and even felt a slight rocking. Getting out of the 4 or 5 ton Suburban we checked around discovering a small fiberglass Cavalier, or what was left of it, imbedded under the back. One girl was freaking out yelling at Rad, one guy passed out (which had nothing to do with the wreck), the girl driver crying about her mom killing her, and one that just as soon as I recognized as my next girlfriend began hyper-ventilating. A few minutes later she went into shock. She was the only one hospitalized that night. I never saw her again. The Cavalier was totaled. The Suburban had one dent about the size of a quarter in the bumper, no lie. And that one I blame on the curse. It didn’t change in college. I had three girls I had gone out with a couple of times. In college, being a local, I had date spots and a route that worked the same for each girl. They all three were impressive and I thought I had to decide on one. So I talked to all three about narrowing it down to just one. In the conversation I was asked by each what I thought about the other two. The next day I found out some “interesting “ news the hard way. Seems that two were cousins having followed each other to college to re-bond, and they talked about everything that night. The third was both the other twos best friend and both their roommate. It seems I had dated an entire dorm room. It seems I had also been way too candid about their roommates and was told so when all three confronted me together. It was a mass rejection, a “mass dumping”, if you will. I blame that one on girls from Michigan, since their all know each other or are related some how! Finally I thought it would change in marriage. It didn’t. Imagine your honeymoon. We were at a quaint little historical bed ’n’ breakfast with a hot tub on the roof. All alone in the tub water, popping the cork on a bottle of wine you both had tasted and agreed on that day. It had just been a day of strolling along, shopping the little shops while holding hands, and dreaming about the coming nights for me and the coming years for her. Looking your best, smelling your best, showing your best (before life and reality set in!) to get each other in the perfect mood, pouring glasses full to give each other. This was that moment on Magnum PI where you know he’s going to get the girl. I finger-curled motioned her to come over to me. She played shy (was scared). I came halfway up to show my rippled (wavey, almost lumpy) torso off. She smiled coyly (mercifully with sad pity). I moved over to the edge of the seat and set her glass down, holding my hand to infer that I could help her into the tub. She began walking over to me and I knew I had her. What woman could resist all this? That’s when a goose flew over and crapped on my head and shoulder. Yes, you heard me, goose poop on my honeymoon moment! I could blame that one on the bird. I wanted to blame my wife, just for laughing so hard she couldn’t even hand me a towel immediately afterward while I was freaking out trying to get goose crap off my head. Instead I blame it on myself for not seeing life coming by that point in my existence. 1. No matter how in control we try to be, we have no idea what God knows. 2. It’s out there, waiting for us. Do you know what it is? Of course not! We’re all idiots about the universal scheme of things and couldn’t even handle it if we did know. 3. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. God’s in control of my plans. And it’s going to be over with before we know it, literally!
Posted on: Mon, 01 Dec 2014 06:28:51 +0000
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