In December last year, after 11 years of marriage, 3 boys, assorted feral animals and 2 mortgages. I found myself single and living on my own with my flatulant French Bulldog and a cat that only cared if I lived or died, at dinner time. I was sharing custody of our 3 boys, 50 percent of the time. I was working in reception at a day spa and was thankful to be blessed by the most amazingly supportive boss. I had great friends (and still do) but I walked around for the best part of four months feeling as if Id been sucked out of an air lock, I was suffocating and couldnt come up for air. So a few months in to my single life, I decided it might be a good idea to pretend to be a grown up and start dating again...I mean, I was a grown ass women, I paid my own bills, I was taking care of business, and to be perfectly honest, I was bored. I had no idea how to be okay by myself and the prospect of sitting alone in the dark with my thoughts made me nervous. Besides, there is life outside of takeaway noodles, red wine and the Good Wife. Right? So when the opportunity arose and a perfectly normal and reasonably handsome man asked me out for coffee, I F.R.E.A.K.E.D out. I mean it was coffee and I treated this poor guy like he was asking me to freeze dry my ovaries and place them on lay away for him. You could say I was a little intense. I was also in pain from my recent split with my husband and I was feeling vulnerable. I was not feeling confidant or beautiful and of I am to be honest (again with the honesty) I was seeking validation outside of myself and I knew it. It should come as no surprise to you that the second date, (lunch at my place) was a Disaster. It started with awkward conversation mostly about himself and floundered midway through when my toddler woke from his nap and decided to turn the living room into his very own mosh pit. The cherry on top, was his admission to being attracted to parts of me. Needless to say, I did not see this gentleman again. The confidant self-assured women in me had left the building. She would have taken my hand, and said. Baby you are beautiful, you are wounded and a little crazy, but that is one of the many things that make you so special. Just because a man desires you, it does not mean he values you. You need to value yourself. You are not this girl with your shoulders hanging low, feasting on scraps of affection thrown in haste. You are a Women, A Proud, Talented, Beautiful, Women. Dont you ever forget that. But I didnt have that womens advice, no. I had angry girl. She was all like Watcha want to listen to that D bag for any way. And I had the other girl, you know the one who thinks he might actually have a valid point, and started trying to figure out what parts of me needed improving. I know, I was. Messed. Up. So I did something new. I did nothing. Part of me agrees with angry girl, but I dont take another persons inability to see my worth personally (thats my job) and I moved on, making myself the priority. Slowly the confidant women came back. These days she surrounds herself with people who value all of her, not just the peices that others consider valuable. They say every cloud has a silver lining and I like to believe that. I like to think that I am finding mine, one day at a time.
Posted on: Wed, 08 Oct 2014 06:18:18 +0000
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