In recent years, I have avoided posting negative things on Facebook. Its not what people want to see and I have really grown out of it anyway. But today I feel I want to share a little bit of what’s going on with me. Maybe some can help me a little bit. I have to be honest, I am not having the best time of life right now. In fact, I haven’t been this down/upset in over 3 years. I do my best to hide it, posting random stuff, not talking about it, doing Kings stuff etc. But I would be lying if I said I was happy right now. I lost two huge pillars of my life this year, and forever. Both in very different ways, and I recognize that, but the end result is basically the same. I have a new life now. It is vastly different than the one I have had the previous 4-5 years. Other than the fact I make more money now, I hate it. I hate this new life. Its only been about 4 months, so in terms of the last 5 years, it is all still very fresh. Usually(and in fact, always) when I’m down about something, it gradually fades and gets better over time. I move on and start doing different things. But for the first time, that is not happening here. It has gotten progressively worse. I become more and more sad. More and more upset. More and more hollow. As sad as this is, the only thing that brings me ANY JOY at all right now are the Sacramento Kings. Yes I have buddies and co-workers I hang out with and it’s a good time. But I certainly wouldn’t say that it brings me joy, and that it makes me feel good about the future. I am not living right now, I am existing. The more time passes, the more I uncover layers as to why I am upset, and that’s why it is getting worse. I didn’t just lose someone to talk to, to hang out with. I lost one of the few human beings I have ever had an honest connection with. Who was an outlet for me to feel like I was doing good, and I was. Helping them with THEIR struggles. But that was all thrown out the window and I was basically told I was nothing but a negative influence in their life. That isn’t true or correct, but that isn’t the point here. 5 years of good amounted to NOTHING. And I’m talking about an inconceivable amount of great memories in that timeframe. I still can’t grasp that and it makes me physically sick. Outside of my parents/family, this is also really 1 of 3 other human beings that honestly gave a shit about me back. I haven’t been very fortunate in that regard, and really none of them are active parts of my life anymore either. I might be off the rollercoaster, but now I never really get to experience any high points. I’m not recovering. And I don’t know if I will, properly anyway. Without my Kings/Crown Downtown stuff, my life would have no purpose. I don’t want anyone to read this and think I might harm myself, because I won’t. I’m not that selfish. I’m just making a point that I feel useless and of not much value. I think I am a good person, so this is not a self-esteem issue. My self-esteem has never been higher actually, and that was something I struggled with for 10 years. I just have no outlet to DO what I feel is valuable. As some of you know, I tried out that Match thing and that has only made things worse. Not only a waste of money, but another source of negative energy. Unlike other times, I have actively done things to try and better myself and better my situation, but it hasn’t helped. Which is disappointing. I guess what I realistically want is the opportunity to be at peace with my situation, and I practically begged for it, but was robbed of that chance. And like I believed back then, the fallout has lead to an unhealthy disposition about life. It makes me sad. The perpetuity of all of this is what is so bad too. Before, there was always a hope that things would/could get better. That will not happen this time, ever. That’s the issue. I apologize if this comes out like complaining, because that is not my intention. Hopefully the Kings can continue to distract me from this, as they always do.
Posted on: Tue, 04 Nov 2014 21:33:40 +0000
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